What do you all think of this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
What do you all think of this??
21
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:48am

Hey all-
I have a situation that I guess I just need to vent about. I'm upset with my BF because he has made plans to go on a road trip accross country with some girl he used to know in college who lives on the other side of the country. He never considered my feelings on the situation and when he brought it up casually and I got upset he in return became upset with me for over reacting. The thing is we have been having problems and assessed our needs with each other the night before. We discussed him wanting to go on camping trips and what not this summer. I told him as long as he didn't go away with one single girl (if I could not go) then I would be okay with it. He said he understands that I would be uncomfortable with that and would not do it. I had asked at the same time if he had any specific plans during our talk and he never mentioned this trip until yesturday. It upset me that he didn't bring it up when I asked him about any plans and that he told me he understood I would be unconfortable and then when he tells me of driving cross country for TWO weeks with this girl, he suddenly doesn't understand why I would be upset. Even when I referrenced our previous conversation he seems to have amnesia. He said he has no feelings for her they are just friends, but from like 5 years ago!! Shes moving to this part of the country for law school and he sees it as doing her a favor. She will be going to some of his relatives house that I have never met with him in mid-america and they will be stopping at her families houses as well for visits...doesn' that seem a little intimate when they have only seen each other once since college and just began talking again after she found out she was moving out here??? She is not a bad person...from what I gather, but his reaction and inconsideration is very upsetting. I am almost wanting to tell him that we should stop dating if he cannot respect my feelings on this situation, especially after that conversation and us trying to better 'us'. FYI we have been dating for two years.

Thanks for all your imput and sorry this is SO long!
Take care

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:10am

In light of the conversation you had and the agreement you feel the two of you reached, he is out of line. It looks as though his desire for a roadtrip is overriding everything else.

I would tell him that the two of you made this agreement (not going on trips with one specific girl unless you could go too) and that he is now breaking it and this is the consequence of it. But honestly, unless you are going to break up with him, there is nothing you CAN do.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:39am

cgsbeau,

I agree with imasillynut. Unfortunately it seems that your BF is going to completely ignore your feelings and your conversation and do as he pleases. Unless you actually give him a serious reprocusion (sp?) for those actions nothing is going to change, he'll probably end up doing it again. Why not, didn't get into trouble the first time??

However, with that in mind, breaking up would probably be the only thing. You didn't say whether or not you were thinking that, so I don't know how you are feeling about it. Personally though, if it were me, I wouldn't want to be with someone who would just toss my feelings to the curb like that. I mean, it's horrible for a BF to do it, but could you imagine him doing this to you when you are his wife?? He's not being a man, he's being a selfish little brat that's going to do anything to get his way. To me, having that type of a child for a BF isn't worth it.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:02pm
Thanks girls-
I agree, there are other obsticles to overcome in our relationship and this additional issue does not help. I do not feel respected by him through such behavor and I know he will never get why. I have tried to explain things like this to him before, but it seems as though we cannot hear me..literally!! I thikn he needs a female translator..or maybe just and english one, lol. I wrote to him and told him of this making me feel disrespected. He will probably get defensive and turn it around on me. It will end in a slit, but apparently thats what needs to happen. Its all giving me a headache!!
Thanks again!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:20am

Cgsbeau, a couple questions, if it's not too late....


  • Is this girl someone he's stayed in communication with since college, or is this a suddenly renewed friendship/correspondence?
  • How long have you been together?
  • Since this girl left five years ago for law school, I'm assuming you're all in your mid-20's, yes?


    Thanks!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-24-2006
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:18am
    No, its not too late- I will be seeing him tonight.
    Their contact began last summer because her brother goes to law school in our town and she came to visit. But their contact has begun to be much more constant since she has decided to go to school out here. They grew up in the same town, but he didn't know her until they went to college and hung out with the same people- but they were never really close buddies- more aquantances. My BF and I have been together for 2 years. I am 26, she is 27 and he is 29. Don't you think I should be somewhat uncomfortable. He is known for dating or becoming romantically involved with friends and I can just picture them under the stars camping in god knows where and maybe falling for each other. Shes smart- independant, adventurous etc. I just don't like the situation. But more to the point I do not like him agreeing with me one second about not going on trips with girls alone and then changing his mind once he tells me thats exactly what he wants to do. Or the fact that when I asked about any summer plans he never brought it up. He only told me cus he said he was going back west to his home town (which he does every summer with family) for much longer than usual. When I began asking why, he would only give me short simple answers- I basically had to guide him into telling me through multiple questions. It was like he didn't want to tell me about it.... I don't know.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-13-2006
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:17pm

    cgsbeau,

    Well of course he didn't want to tell you because he knew what your agreement was, that he was going against it and you would be pissed. He's not going to voluntarilly (sp?) get in trouble.

    One thing you have to remember (and it does sound like you do for the most part) is that this is none of the girls fault, nor is this about her. Granted she should be "woman" enough to respect you and your feelings, but for all we know she could either not know about you, think you aren't together anymore or think you don't care that they are going. Not to open a can of worms but you don't know what he has told her about you or your feelings. (Course, maybe you do, I'm just guessing here) Anyways, it's about HIM and it's HIS fault you are in this situation. He's the problem and you are going to have to deal with him for the solution.

    I still stand by my last post though in that no "man" would treat their woman this way, he's acting like a selfish child and personally I wouldn't waste time with someone who would do that to me. I realize that you have time and feelings vested into this relationship though and it is hard. Just make sure that you don't become a doormat.

    Best of luck,
    defleppardgal

    Defleppardgal

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-24-2006
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 12:55pm

    Thank you Defleppardgal-

    I agree, this has nothing to do with this girl, in fact I believe she would be woman enough to not be in this situation if she knew my feelings. I met her once and shes a very intellegent, nice young woman. Its my BF that is the problem. He is being shaddy to say the least. I am seeing him tonight and telling him off...no, just kidding lol. I am going to be adult about it and explain my position one more time. But I predict he will get defensive and put it all back on me. This is definately showing that he is not a man, but when I think about it there are many other things I didn't notice or maybe didn't want to notice that showed his boyish qualities. Boys are dumb, men are smart...Lol.
    It is a beautiful day today, I am leaving work early to get everything prepared for my soon-to-be sister in-law's bridal shower that I am hosting tomorrow!! Looking forward to it too!! Have a great weekend!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-27-2004
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 8:19pm
    All the time I have been reading these posts I have had a feeling that your boyfriend is trying to provoke you into breaking up with him so he can pursue this girl with a clear conscience. I'm sorry, but I think he is going to make you the bad guy in order to do what he wants to do.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 05-05-2006 - 9:35pm

    I hope I'm not too late again -- can't post until I get home from work and being on the west coast means I'm likely way behind you time wise.


    I think what would make me uncomfortable is the fact that he seems to be so interested in doing this with someone who's not really a friend. If he were my guy and this girl was someone who was a known friend (meaning he had regular contact including visits with her) I don't think I'd think it was a big deal. But, if she is like you say, someone that's an acquaintance and he's suddenly rearranged his trip to spend a ton of time doing things so that she "won't be disappointed", I'd say that would raise a red flag or two.


    Some of your feelings, your reactions and history might come into play too. If you've been uncomfortable with him having female friends (and I assume you have since you specifically told him you didn't want him going on camping friends with girls) he may have stalled telling you about his plans because of your likely reaction. That doesn't make his response right, but it would make it understandable. Perhaps he's closer to this girl than he's let on? You should be able to judge that as a possibility by whether he's open about other female friends or not. If any of these possibilities I've mentioned are true, the bottom line is that his feelings and choices about opposite sex friends are different than yours and your relationship probably isn't going to be successful. Hiding friends, dragging your feet about telling your girlfriend about friends and/or plans isn't okay; neither is having a boyfriend who feels doing things with opposite sex friends is okay if you don't agree. I don't know your history, but I have a feeling that his contact with women friends has been a longstanding problem between you. If that's the case, I think it may be time to recognize you aren't comfortable with his preferences and he isn't willing to live by yours. That kind of problem doesn't go away and doesn't allow your relationship to build trust or strength as there's always an element of mistrust, suspicion and hidden goings-on. It could also mean he's not wanting to settle with one girl, he prefers to be able to have a "steady" but play around a bit too.


    Another aspect to look at is how he would react if this situation were reversed. If you were suddenly planning the same kind of trip with a guy who was only an acquaintance, would he be okay with it? If not, then it's not okay for him to do it either. Either way, whether he's out to play the field or truly wants to have a long trip with a platonic friend, it's clear you're not in agreement with his choice of actions and behaviors, and I can't see that staying together is going to be a good thing for you.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-24-2006
    Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:35am

    I understand where you all are coming from with your perspectives on my situation. Yes there have been past issues with him and female friends that he has had. It would be much too long for me to go into it, but lets just say these girls were not very nice and he did not handle the situations very well either. The notion of him wanting to push me into breaking up with him may be the case, but I am not so sure. We have been trying to work on 'us' for a while and every so often I re-evaluate us with him and try to tell him that it may be in our best interest to go our separete ways. He ALWAYS maintains that he does not want that. He seems to be committed to the idea of staying together- even getting married and having children one day when we are both done graduate school.
    Also- I tried to bring up idea of how he would feel if the situation was reversed, if I was going cross country with someone of the opposite sex. He claims he would be fine with it and also be excited for me. I obviously see right through his response. I know he is saying that because he wants me to feel this way for him. But in my mind I believe he would be upset/uncomfortable with me doing something like this. But I do not think he would try talk to me about it bothering him if that were the case.

    The main problem with our relationship is obviously not just this trip he wants to go on. A big part of it is what has happened in the past with us that I have not been able to look past. Additionally, I myself have anxiety issues that I am trying to work on in my own time, but it can be difficult with his trips like these, or all the girls he hangs out with.
    The cause of my anxiety began when I was in a accident at 11 yrs old and was severely burned on 35 % of my body, also one of my younger brothers was in an accident almost 2 years ago which resulted in a severe brain injury- he was in a coma for 3 months- had to learn how to eat, talk, walk again at 19 yrs old...fun stuff huh! So needless to say I am still a little frazzled with life at times....PTSD and all. My BF and I actually met right before my brother's accident- about a month before.
    The BF just leaves me so confused at times...he claims he wants to be with me but then goes out with a bunch of girls to the bars and camping. Yes there may be other guys there...but since my experience with his female friends have not been so positive I just cannot get comfortable with it. And I am anxious anyway, so when hes out with these people I go insane inside!!
    Thats when I try and talk to him again and say that this may not work out...but everytime I talk to him he convinces me that we love each other and we will work through this. But I just don't know. Its also hard because we used to live together and now we do not.

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