What do you all think of this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
What do you all think of this??
21
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 10:48am

Hey all-
I have a situation that I guess I just need to vent about. I'm upset with my BF because he has made plans to go on a road trip accross country with some girl he used to know in college who lives on the other side of the country. He never considered my feelings on the situation and when he brought it up casually and I got upset he in return became upset with me for over reacting. The thing is we have been having problems and assessed our needs with each other the night before. We discussed him wanting to go on camping trips and what not this summer. I told him as long as he didn't go away with one single girl (if I could not go) then I would be okay with it. He said he understands that I would be uncomfortable with that and would not do it. I had asked at the same time if he had any specific plans during our talk and he never mentioned this trip until yesturday. It upset me that he didn't bring it up when I asked him about any plans and that he told me he understood I would be unconfortable and then when he tells me of driving cross country for TWO weeks with this girl, he suddenly doesn't understand why I would be upset. Even when I referrenced our previous conversation he seems to have amnesia. He said he has no feelings for her they are just friends, but from like 5 years ago!! Shes moving to this part of the country for law school and he sees it as doing her a favor. She will be going to some of his relatives house that I have never met with him in mid-america and they will be stopping at her families houses as well for visits...doesn' that seem a little intimate when they have only seen each other once since college and just began talking again after she found out she was moving out here??? She is not a bad person...from what I gather, but his reaction and inconsideration is very upsetting. I am almost wanting to tell him that we should stop dating if he cannot respect my feelings on this situation, especially after that conversation and us trying to better 'us'. FYI we have been dating for two years.

Thanks for all your imput and sorry this is SO long!
Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 4:49pm
So, I had called the BF last night after he worked to see how it went and he didn't answer. If that happens he usually will call back, but he never did so I texted him to call me when he could because I was getting a little anxious that he was not responding. So he calls me this morning at almost 11 am. By then all my anxiety- which was A LOT- had dicipated. I called him back several hours later and he said he had left his phone at home and went out rafting on the river at 5 pm and didnt get home till 10 or 11 pm. They had a bonfire and all that, him and two people I have never heard of. Why does it drive me CRAZY that he takes off like that. I am hurt I was not invited, even though we had no plans...how retarded am I? For some reason, the idea of him having fun without me makes me SO upset!! I think it is because last summer, when we lived together, he would take off all the time, turn his phone off and not even leave a note. When I aske dwhy I was not invited he said that I never can go or that I have to plan in advance and not take off at any time to do things which is the way he prefered to do things. He did this all the time with these two girls that I hated...thats a strong word I know, but trust me I really feel that way. After a while I moved out because he was acting this way. I needed space to get away form him making me feel bad that I could not participate and him making me think it was my fault that I couldn't go...when he would never invite me!!!
AHhh...I can't take it sometimes, I get SO anxious that I want to cry, or drink or something to make it go away.... I know...I should just walk away from him, but for some reason I am scared to have him run off and have life be great once I am away and for me to not have life so great on my end. It just doesn't seem fair. I have a doctors appointment this week where I am going to discuss my anxiety to see what I can do to make it better because it has been affecting me in many areas. For example socially, I have no interest socializing with his friends OR mine. Or meeting new people, I'd rather sit and read a book by myself and I used to be SO social. I can't focus at work and I think my boss is gearing up to have a talk about it with me because I know she notices how much work I do not do. Theres more ways it affects me, but I will stop there....
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 6:24pm
Your guy is very single-minded (single as in being single) rather than of a 'couples' mindset.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 9:17pm

Cgsbeau, you just gave a ton of information that I think has a huge bearing on your situation. First of all, you say your past experience with some of his female friends is the reason for a lot of your hesitation. Elaborate, will you? Tell us what went on, what's going on and how they act. You mentioned that two of these girls are girls he continues to see. This could all make a huge difference to what direction you ought to take. I hope you'll explain.


Secondly, it sounds like you've got some issues that affect your life that don't surround your boyfriend, yet affect you, him and your relationship very much. Great that you're seeing a doctor to see what you can do about it, but have you seen a therapist? A doctor can prescribe meds that mask the symptoms but that does nothing to resolve the issue that causes you to need the meds. Working in therapy will resolve the issues and the need for meds. With what you went through as a child, I would think your brother's accident would have brought all you feelings, fears, etc. from your childhood accident right back into your face, front and center.


I've got some other thoughts too, but I'll wait to hear back from you before adding more.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:31am
Sometimes I feel as though I over-react, do you know what I mean? When you're upset about something and later it seems irrational to get THAT upset, even though you know the reason you were upset is valid...
Anyway, I have tried seeing a therapist a couple of times, but I do not think I was ready for it at the times I tried it. Right now I feel like I just need a jump start, that my anxiety is over-shadowing the rest of my issues/feelings so that they are difficult to deal with. I know eventually I need to sit down and talk to someone. We will see what the doctor thinks.
As far as the girls I have mentioned before, he is no longer friends with the because they finally showed their true colors to him after all the warnings I gave him. Its true he is single minded. The specific situation with the two girls is something I do not feel like sharing. It was bad enough situations that I know what you are all going to say, so I have left it out.
The BF and I have been together for over 2 years and I think we have been together as long as we have because of my brothers accident. It happened at the beginning of our relationship and I think it prolonged everything. He was there to take my mind off from things during the several months everything was touch and go, it was nice.
I know he is not the one for me though and I have tried to tell him that and tried to walk away but he always claims his love for me at the very last second, which I think is selfish. I talked to him on the phone last night and told him how I was having a tough time emotionally lately- not necessarily with him but myself. He doesn't deal with issues like that very well, he doesn't say anything and claims he is just letting me vent my feelings. I hate that though cus it makes me feel like it is a one way conversation and that he has no bearing on the situation. I tried again on the phone to tell him that I do not think we will work because how I am feeling right now will be good for us...(just trying another tactic to express to him why we cannot be together).
He claims he loves me, but when I ask why he wants to be in this relationship he says because I make him feel safe, like when I am around there is nothing wrong with the world. I believe he is confusing comfort for love. I know you are all thinking why do you just walk away and never look back, and your right I should. I am just tired emotionally and physically and do not have the energy...sounds crazy huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:26pm

Anxiety, boy do I know about that, I battled with that before I went to therapy myself. Not fun stuff at all.


I'd generally say that not understanding the situation with the two female friends pretty much destroys any chance of having a clear enough picture of things to be able to offer you thoughts that really mean anything to your situation, but if you know he isn't right for you, then there's really not any reason to go any farther. There's no reason to try to understand his thinking, his behavior when the bottom line is you already know it's not a workable situation, you know? I guess you were posting more to gauge your feelings on his planned trip than to resolve issue, which is fine. You even said you were venting about it, but we're pretty focused in on resolving problems around here, you know? : )


I will say that I think you're looking at breaking up all wrong. His feelings don't matter, you breaking up with him isn't about what he feels, what he wants, that doesn't enter into it; it's about what you want and what you feel, period. "I'm not happy" "This isn't the right place for me to be" "I don't want to continue this relationship", that's all you need to say. He might try to argue, but if you stop him and tell him it's not about what he thinks, it's about what you want and what you feel, it should be done, how can he argue with what you want? Recently a member of another board had this to say about breaking up with her boyfriend: "So anyways, recent events made me rethink all of this again. Basicly for the past week, all I'd think about it how I regret taking him back. I...I realized, that there was a pattern. I realized that once we had the "break up talk" that that's when he tries to talk me out of it. So right when he said that he didn't understand , I told him that I understand and that's all that matters. I told him that I'm not happy and that I have zero trust for him. He acted upset and said "I guess I can see why you don't want to be with me, then", packs up his things, and he was gone." She focused on herself, what she wanted and her reasons. When you do that (and that's the right thing to do), you cut away any reason for debate, persuasion or argument. You've made it clear you're ending it because it's what you want. How can he argue with that?


I do hope you find your way into treatment soon. You can medicate, but that won't resolve a thing, as long as those unresolved issues are floating around, you'll need the meds. Therapy isn't always fun or easy, I know, though as much as I drug my feet about going once there I really enjoyed it, couldn't wait to go back for my next session, even when they were tough to get through; I think I could see and feel the difference and I really liked it. You mentioned at the beginning of your last post that you sometimes struggle with over reacting, "was it overreacting or was it reasonable?" When you get some of your issues resolved you'll feel more centered and sure of yourself and your feelings, which will leave little doubt about whether you're reaction to things is appropriate for the situation or not. You'll feel sure of yourself and you'll know.


Wishing you the best, Cgsbeau!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:23pm

I understand that it is hard to give further advice w/o the details of the terrible twosome. I guess I can spare some, but when you read it you are going to definately tell me to ride myself of this person...
Last summer when he was running off with these two girls having fun, I moved out for space. I did not leave him, I merely moved out to work on things from afare and determine what we wanted, needed etc. Well he went into a fit when I left and ended up sleeping with both of these girls. I did not know this till later as he would not speak to me even when I tried to say, "Hey, I'm not leaving you, I just need my space...". So anyway- one of the girls I knew had feelings for him (which I warned him and he did not believe me, supposably). The other girl was just literally a slut and he took advantage of both of them. Also these girls were best friends and the slutty one knew the other one had feelings for my BF and didn't tell her that she was sleeping with him as well. So not only was he being a dirty rotten pig to me, he was also hurting these two girls. Needless to say the girl with feelings found out about his other sex toy and the two girls are no longer friends, AND the slut ended up having feelings for him too!!
So it ended up being that BF and I got back together, but he played the victim, that I had hurt him because I left him (even though I was forced to do that because he would not accept that I just needed to not live with him at that point. So we tried again and something Worse happended. One night after drinking we got into a fight, the slutty girl was there with us (I did not know he has slept with her at this point or the other girl) and she took me home. The whole way she told me how much she respected me and how badly BF treated me, told me he cheated on me with the other girl and he would treat her the same way etc, etc. Thought she was being nice, she even hugged be good bye!! So the next morning I go over to his house to get somethings and talk about the fight and how it was not working out etc. And I find him and the SLUT naked in bed together!! (no blanket or nothing!!).
I know, you're thinking...Why did you even get back together with him after ALL THAT!! I don't know, he came crawling back, said nothing happended that night between them. And things ended up with us living togther again and him trying to get me to trust him, which hasn't worked! He dropped all his friends, didn't go out, let me check his phone when I wanted to for those girls calling. Eventually he became resentful that he was so tied down...
So on his birthday I go out with him, this is in Feb, and a bunch of his friends are out with him. The girl with the feelings is there and tries to come up to both of us to talk like nothing has ever happened. He always told me that she was a good person and that none of what happened was her fault, that if nothing had happened he thinks her and I would have been friends. Yeah...ok buddy.
So for some reason I decide to tell her that I do not hold anything against her, its just weird to talk to her and I am uncomfortable with her. She proceeds to tell me how much she loved him and how he never loved her because he loved me...and then says they 'dated' for a few months...well BF and I only had brothen up for a span of 1 month total in time. So I was piss@d and left him right then and there, on his birthday (and Valentines Day- which is his b-day) packet up my things and moved out the next day. Again- he claims that didn't happen. So I am then left many times feeling manipulated and take advantage of by my BF and these two girls. So trusting any of his friends or him has been impossible.
See why I didn't want to get into it, its like a Jerry Springer episode. And no I am not white trash. I have a college degree, come from a well to do family, etc.
I have just been a TOTAL IdIOT concerning this relationship, or whatever you want to call it!!
Ahh...man that was theraputic, even writing it and read it really tells me that I am waisting my time breathing near the BF...
Thanx

Whew!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:38pm

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Amen!

I hope seeing it in print, especially the part where he "claimed" nothing happened even though they were buck naked AND had slept together before, lets you know that besides cheating, he doesn't feel sorry for it and is a liar to boot.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 3:53pm
Yes it does!!
Its also scary though, cus I have known for a long time how crappy he is, but I put myself in half denial. I think I wanted to see if he would ever live up to his word that he loved me. Yeah..he doesn't, and it doesn't feel as bad to realize it than I thought!!
Kay- note to self, no more drama or white trash situations!! I think I deserve a drink tonight!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 4:18pm
Do you think it would be bad for me to end this with the BF through phone, email etc. I would like to do it in person, but I am afriad I will not end up doing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 5:05pm

End it however you want. And when you end it, block his emails and phone calls and don't listen to his crap of "loving you" and "working it out". Cuz he will tell you whatever it takes to get you to stay. But sure, send him an email if that works better for you.

And yes, you are better than this. You deserve better than this.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Jen