what else...money issues
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what else...money issues
| Sun, 08-13-2006 - 4:27pm |
Hi everyone. My husband andI have only been married for one year and already the big D word has been brought up..though not seriously (I think/hope). It is about money. He racked up 20,000 in credit card debts for his fish tank hobby. I never had any credit card debt and have spent money responsibly. I do have student loans that I am paying more. Combined, we make over 100k per year but we seem to just be scraping by each month because of all our bills. I think we really need to buy only what's needed- no more hobbies or anythign like that until this is under control. He disagrees saying everyone our age (I am 28, he 26) has loads of debts and "it will get better later." I am just very worried about having too much debt though and this is always causing friction. Every arguement is about money. He calls me petty and says that money is the most important thing to me. This isn't true at all though - it is not my #1 priority by a long shot but how do I convey this is true but at the same time trying to reel in the problem of debts getting out of control. He comes from am richer family and pretty much could get what he wanted. I didn't. I don't buy something just because I want it. He does and finds this acceptable, even if the money isn't there. I hate credit cards but he will not stop using them. He says they are a tool...agreed but only for those that can pay it off and not get to a 20k balance.
He says the 20k in debts is his problem and I shouldn't worry about it. But we're married so it is my problem too. I guess I am also upset that he aquired all this debt when we were married when we bought our house. He never discussed how much he was spending with me at all. He doesn't feel he needs to run it by me when he buys things either. I dont' care if it is small things but this is a lot of money we're talking about. It does put extra burden on my because all the other expenses fall on my shoulders even though we agreed to pay bills 1/2 and 1/2. Now he pays all his money to one bill and to his debts. Anything new that comes up is on my - like the new roof we need now. We have no savings account.
Any advice is appreciated. How do I handle this? :(
He says the 20k in debts is his problem and I shouldn't worry about it. But we're married so it is my problem too. I guess I am also upset that he aquired all this debt when we were married when we bought our house. He never discussed how much he was spending with me at all. He doesn't feel he needs to run it by me when he buys things either. I dont' care if it is small things but this is a lot of money we're talking about. It does put extra burden on my because all the other expenses fall on my shoulders even though we agreed to pay bills 1/2 and 1/2. Now he pays all his money to one bill and to his debts. Anything new that comes up is on my - like the new roof we need now. We have no savings account.
Any advice is appreciated. How do I handle this? :(

He sure doesn't sound like a partner. More like a child in many ways. Constantly invalidating your feelings is a big relationship red flag irrespective of the issue.
Take a class together on personal financial management....there will be homework in that class that will get you talking and planning and making good decisions. Alternatively see a financial advisor who can give you some rules of thumb for what the CC debt is really costing you in terms of you overall lifetime earnings....it is pretty scary when projected, and also savings targets for children, house stuff, retirement, etc.
If you can't agree on the day to day stuff then what you need is to make sure the big stuff is getting funded and then whatever is left over that you want to allocate to discretionary spending you can split and each make decisions without the other's input.
If he refuses tell him it is either that or marriage counseling cause the current program is not working. If he still refuses than you have to decide whether you want ot be married to someone that loves you and respects you or a dictator that may leave you old and destitute.
Good luck, P.
I think you need to put "his" bills in HIS name and NOT PAY THEM. If he doesn't pay them then that is HIS problem, not yours. You pay your bills. I would also keep my finances separate from his. I would have my own bank account and my own CCs. I would NOT share a CC account with him. If you are on any, get yourself removed. And do NOT put him on yours. If you want the mortage pay't, that's great, then give him the utilities or what-not or vice versa. When the power keeps getting shut off or he doesn't have hot water to shower with, hopefully he'll realize he needs to change his habits. It also means DO NOT HAVE JOINT BILLS. Only have HIS name on HIS bills. That way they don't come after you for him not paying. And DO NOT loan him $$.
Hopefully you have friends or family around where you can go and shower for work if the water/power gets shut off. But if you do that, I think he would wake up a little sooner.
Jen
The problem with Jen's suggestion to not attach your name to any of his credit cards or bills is that if he cannot pay them they can still go after joint property, such as the house. I would agree that having no assets in both names is a good idea, but I suspect the major assets are already in both names. Having a spouse who's a big spender can also be a concern because if they get in a bind and need assets they can also dip into their 401K or other retirement account and remove funds without the knowledge of the other spouse. With a spouse like yours, you're in danger on many levels.
First, I would go separately to a financial advisor or financial attorney and explain the situation to get his or her advice on how to best protect yourself. It may feel like a sneaky, selfish, underhanded thing to do, but in doing so you may be able to save both of you, and if not both, you may be able to save yourself. The bottom line here is that he's not looking out for you, so you have to. Second, I would take a personal finance class with him, or see a financial advisor with him. Hopefully, hearing from someone in the know, seeing the numbers in black and white will wake him up. I do think you need to get someone else's help with this -- a financial advisor, I mean.
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