What a mess I have on my hands!
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What a mess I have on my hands!
| Thu, 11-24-2005 - 9:55am |
I need some help here! I have been dating my current bf for 2 and a half years. I found out he had cheated on me recently ( he cheated when we first together for about 6 months but not for certain on the exact amt of time) and I decided to forgive him..suprise suprise and he moved in to the house I just bought about 2 months ago. Not only do I struggle with the trust issues and us only have sex 1 time per week and we are 26 and 35 years old but I have this little affair myself with a co worker! I cant seem to stop it? am I doing this in retaliation to what my boyfriend did? I dont know what to do? this other guy and I could never be together in realtionship because of our differences. I care for my boyfriend alot but dont know where its going? We have never told each other that we love each other and until I found out he cheated on me I never even so much as turned my head to look at another man but now I find myself weak towards it? I get hit on alot and have always turned them away but now I am meeting my coworker after work for short times and now I am being unfaithful and dont beleive that my boyfriend now is unfaithful one bit! Please any advice would be great!

Therapy.
You need to redirect that destructive energy away from yourself. Why be involved with someone whose differences are such that they force you to creep around with him instead of having a relationship out in the open? So what if you get hit on all the time? That means nothing in the big picture--are they sticking around wanting to be in your life and have a committed relationship with you? You have interest, but you're not 'closing the deal'.
What's the worse that will happen if your boyfriend finds out? He'll move out? Ok... He'll be hurt? Ok... seems that little fact didn't stop him when he was the one creeping... He'll move out? Ok... at least you won't have to worry about him laying in bed next to you, scheming on his next conquest... He won't be around not saying "I love you"? Ok... neither of you are doing that now.
Therapy would be a very good investment for you--you have some issues with your boyfriend that you need a professional to help you process--and you will continue to do destructive things until you do reach out to a therapist and resolve them.
To cheat in retaliation would a very juvenile thing to do....and to be honest, I believe that it would have to be a deliberate, conscious decision that you would have made. Because you did not actually make the choice to cheat in retaliation - I suspect that there are others causes at hand. Perhaps you are cheating in an effort to seek the elements that are missing in your relationship? And/or perhaps it's a form of attention seeking?
I also question the wisdom of having him move in with you when you've never said "I love you" and haven't discussed any plans for the future.
Between the cheating and living together with no discussions about love or the future, it does strike me as a relationship where both parties need to show a lot more commitment and improve communication skills....not to mention a lot of growing up.
I think that you need to sit down WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND and have a long hard look at your relationship. And then make a choice: The two of you should either make the choice to put your hearts and souls into this relationship and and address the issues - or end it. As you are living together, you also need to address things such as 'do you love each other?' and 'where is this all going and on what timeframe?'
But don't keep living in this no-man's land. It's not fair on either of you.
Agree 100% with Quenek. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I also agree with Aisha's statements that there's much more to this than retaliation. And that's another reason for therapy, that's where you'll be able to discover why you're heading down this path of self destruction.
I hope you get yourself there soon.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It sounds like neither man is the right one for you to be with.