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| Thu, 12-29-2005 - 2:35am |
Hi,
I am new to this board- but I feel this is a place I can get an honest answer. I have been engaged to a man for two years. Over the two years we have gotten along great we love each other and have so much fun with one another. Over the last year he has been begging me to have a threesome- which I am not comfortable with. This has been our only issue. Last Thursday he came home three hours later than he said he would be home-he said he was in traffic(he drives a big truck) Well the next day he said he lied and that he met a woman going down the road and stopped and fooled around with her some- but didn't have sex with her. Then he tells me that about 4 mos after we got engaged he spent a weekend away with a woman he met on the internet. He said after that weekend he never talked to her again. He says that he did this because its "like having two women at the same time" He says he wants to be with me- that he loves me but he also wants to have sex with other women- not realtionships,just sex. He swears that other than not having a threesome he loves our sex life. I am confused. I love him very much and know I could spend the rest of my life with this man. But I am not at a point where I want to be with him and another woman in the bedroom. I can't imagine being without him- but now I am not sure if I can trust him. Any advice would be greatly appriciated- sorry for the long post!
Thanks,
JP

Drop down on your knees and thank God that you found out about your fiancee's "inclinations" NOW, rather than AFTER the wedding. Clearly, the two of you have different morals and expectations of marriage. Therefore, a marriage would never work. Return the ring, cancel the reservations, and notify the guests. Your guy is a closet pervert who thought it was safe to come out to you.
What do you mean that you're "not sure" if you can trust him? He has shown you clearly that you *cannot* trust him to be monogamous and faithful to you, so I don't understand the "not sure" part.
Unless you are ok with having an "open" marriage, where he is free to have sex with other women, marrying this man would make you miserable.
Sheri
JP,
I know how it feels to find out that the person you want to be with has such a huge significant flaw. It’s easy for people to say “LEAVE HIM NOW!” but I know that is not so easy to do. If you want to be with this man and not compromise on this then try couples counseling. If you cant do counseling than do as much research as you can on the subject. Find out how far he would go to get what he wants and how frequent he wants to do this. Also, find out if he is willing to loose you over this. He doesn’t sound like he is ready for a serious commitment if he still wants to pursue other women.
If your fiancé means that much to you (and I know he does) look into other options that may satisfy his desires. Maybe watching some adult films or role-playing can be more comfortable options for you. If that doesn’t do the trick then try explaining to him how this whole thing makes you feel. Let him know that as a woman you want to be his pleasure and you’re not willing to share the title. Ask him how he would feel if you told him that you wanted to be pleased by other men.
And if he STILL wants what he wants then “LEAVE HIM NOW”!! There is no sense in being with someone you cannot trust.
JP, I've read all the replies and basically agree with them.
Threesomes are the standard male fantasy. Some guys keep it a secret and others will admit it openly. And others will actually ask for it. But to me, the big red flag is that he won't accept your "no" for an answer. (Oh, and the cheating is a big red flag too).
If you can't bring yourself to leave him now, then give him an ultimatum. He should either accept that you don't want group sex and that cheating is not OK or end the relationship.
JP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and I know this is such a difficult thing for you to make a decision on. Yes, it's easy for those who aren't emotionally involved to say "leave", but isn't that what you came for? The viewpoints of those who are able to think rationally on the issue and see it and the future that's sure to follow more clearly?
I'm in full agreement with those who urge you to see this as a huge wake up call and leave your relationship. Clearly your fiance wants things in his life that you do not. His beliefs and ideals of what is appropriate and acceptable in a relationship are eons apart from your own, and beliefs and ideals are crucially important to be in agreement and therefore compatible on in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. These are differences that will never go away. He'll always think threesomes and affairs are okay and you'll always believe a relationship is meant to be between two people only. To continue in a relationship where he continues to ask you, beg you, etc.. to add a woman into your bedroom will slowly destroy your self esteem, your respect for him and for yourself. If he agrees to stop asking you'll always know he wants it, whether he asks for it or not. You'll also never be sure of what he's doing, whether he's faithful or not. He's already been unfaithful twice (he's unfaithful whether he had sex or not), that pretty solidly tells you its very likely to happen again. Couple that with the fact that he wants to add a third to your bedroom and believing he'd remain faithful would be foolish. He sees sex as something that isn't reserved for a relationship, he sees it as something that's okay to do whenever, with whomever you want. That's in vast contrast to your beliefs.
The other point is that it is never okay to be pushed to do something sexually you've said "no" to. Even those who feel that threesomes and group sex is okay agree that it must not be pushed, that a "no" must be respected. Your fiance is not okay. Staying will destroy you and cause you much unnecessary emotional damage and pain. Leaving will hurt, but you'll move on, get over the pain (and it won't take years) and will still be a whole, healthy person. Please don't do that to yourself.
Do you respect your parents opinions? Do they generally have viewpoints and ideals that you trust and respect? If so, talk to them about this. Do you think they'd be upset? Do you think they'd approve? What do you think their reaction would be if it were anyone other than you? My guess is their thoughts on the issue wouldn't change at all. Do you think? Yes, I'm sure talking to your parents about this would be difficult, but honestly, if your relationship involves issues that are "secret", that you cannot talk about, that's a huge flag that this is not a healthy, appropriate relationship. Being open and honest about what's going on keeps you open and honest with yourself and keeps you from getting deeply entrenched in a situation that you can't easily get yourself out of. The bigger the secrets, the harder it is to leave.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I kow I'm coming in late here, but I have to wonder just what your fiance is bringing home. He "met a woman going down the road and stopped and fooled around with her some-"? And you are here wondering if you can trust him? And he also slept with, for a whole weekend NOT a one night stand thing, some woman he met online? Have you been tested for STDs? Do you want to go your whole life getting tested and wondering what your DF/H is going to give you? He loves you so much that he wants to sleep with strangers and risk your life? Let alone the whole trying to talk you into something you can't STAND the idea of because HE wants it?
I'm having issues with all this. I can't understand why you aren't more upset. Are you just in shock or are you actually willing to do whatever it takes to be with this man?
Jen
Really great post, Jen. Short, sweet and concise -- and you've said it all. How come I can't do that?
I'm interested in reading the response Jp2671 has to your questions too.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"