What Is Normal For A Man In His 40's?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2010
What Is Normal For A Man In His 40's?
11
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 1:59am

Hello, I am trying to decide if my boyfriend has erectile dysfunction...In the past, every man I have been with (including my ex husband, who was over 40 when we divorced), has been able to achieve an erection with no problems.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 10:18am
It is possible that he has low testosterone? This is a health issue for some men as early as their 30's. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your bf, it just means he needs to see an endocrinologist for a work up and can get a script for testosterone that would bring his level up to normal, if this is the case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 09-17-2010 - 2:44pm

But you are saying he does get an erection and is able to maintain it?

I think that's normal. My dh is older, but I don't think this is related to his age. Sometimes he likes to start from the point when he's not erect, he finds that to be a turn on. If he's already erect, to me it just means he got aroused before we started. If he's not erect when we start, to me it means we've started sex before he's aroused. That happens for me *all the time* where I'm not really in a state of arousal when we start touching but get there after a bit. I think that's a fairly common human experience between couples, that one might not be in a physical state of arousal even though they are ready, willing and able to begin having sex.

Is this issue causing a problem for him or you? Does he say it troubles him or that it's a new situation? Or is the only question because other men you've been with are not like this?

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


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Edited 9/18/2010 2:20 am ET by harmony08
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 1:21am
Welcome to the board, Ggtex ~

My husband is 46. Based on my experience with him, I would say your experience is not normal. My husband has no problem achieving erection and doesn't require manual manipulation to achieve it. Likewise the 51-year old I dated a decade ago before meeting my husband.

You might check with the Let's Talk About Sex board for their thoughts and experience.

Do you know if he has a history of erection problems?















"Ignoring the facts
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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 2:18am
Here is some more information for you. It seems what is going on does not fit in the definition of erectile dysfunction. Here is the definition:





"Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to obtain and maintain an erection that is firm enough for a man to have intercourse, or the inability to keep an erection long enough to ejaculate inside the vagina." http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/impotence/ed_whatis.html





This is required for diagnosis:





"A. Persistent or recurrent inability to attain, or to maintain until completion of the sexual activity, an adequate erection.





B. The disturbance causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty." http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/erectiledis.htm





Here is some information about normal penile function that may reassure you that what is going on is normal, either because that is just how he is (if it's always been that way for him) or because he is getting older (if this is something that is gradually changing over time for him). If it's a drastic or sudden change for him, that could indicate a problem. I think too, the question comes down to whether you are okay with it. It may be perfectly normal but that doesn't mean you have to like it or stay in the relationship if you are unhappy with this aspect of the sexual relationship.





"If everything is working properly and there is sufficient blood flow and nerve impulses, a man is capable of getting an erection when sexually stimulated."





"An erection can take place in as little as several seconds or it can happen gradually over a longer period of time. As we age, beginning in the 50's and increasingly in the 60's and 70's, it can sometimes take longer to achieve an erection even with direct stimulation and you may notice that his erection is not as firm as when you were a teenager. This is a normal part of aging, but causes some men distress because they measure their maleness or ability to please a partner by the firmness and speed with which they attain an erection.





"However, the older man has some advantages over the younger one because his ejaculatory control is usually greater, therefore he can maintain an erection for a considerably longer period of time without feeling the ejaculatory urgency common in younger men." http://www.4-men.org/erection.html





"Aging affects the sexuality of men in various manners. A man’s sexual response begins to slow down after age 30. However, a man’s sexual drive is more likely to be affected by his health and his attitude about sex and intimacy than by his age. An aging man may find that it takes longer to achieve an erection. His erection may not be as firm or as large as it used to be. The amount of ejaculate may be smaller. The loss of erection after orgasm may happen more quickly, or it may take longer before an erection is again possible. Some men may find that they need more foreplay." http://www.clinicalgeriatrics.com/articles/Erectile-Dysfunction-Older-Men





"Often a man is stimulated sexually by what he sees -- men tend to respond to visuals, while women tend to respond more to what they hear and feel. That said, some men do need to be touched or cajoled into action more directly. The first and basic rule is to ask. Ask him what he likes, needs and wants as a turn-on. Try doing this at a quiet, intimate time (but not necessarily in the bedroom). For example, you might initiate a discussion over coffee about what each of you finds to be a turn-on. If your man needs to be touched, then any form of gentle, careful and caring caressing of his genitals, and even his nipples, should do the trick." http://www.ivillage.com/foreplay-men/6-n-139000





"Many men also find that prolonged foreplay enhances their orgasm. And the older a man gets, the more important foreplay becomes to his sexual performance.





"Men need a lot more direct genital stimulation as they get older to achieve the kind of erections they did in their youth," says sex therapist Shirley Zussman." http://salaswildthoughts.blogspot.com/2006/04/sex-tips-know-more-about-foreplay.html





It's important to realize, for example, that just as a woman's sexual responses may change as she ages, so, too, do a man's. "A man's sexual response rate also slows down as he gets older," Donahey points out. "Whereas in his 20s, he might have been aroused simply by looking at his partner, in his 40s or 50s, he may need more direct stimulation of the penis. A woman shouldn't take this as a sign that her partner finds her unattractive."





Donahey also suggests that couples expand their definition of what sexuality is so that they can maintain their physical intimacy. "Be more flexible," she advises. "There's more to sex than just intercourse ... try manual stimulation, oral stimulation, stroking, kissing. These are all a part of an intimate relationship and can lead to an orgasm for both partners. http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=51969

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





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Ten Rules for Being Human



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 10:09am

I'm not sure how long you have been in the relationship with your bf? My dh and I were married for 5, together for 9 years when he started having difficulty with his testosterone level, and had to go in and get checked out. What you describe was only a bit of the issue/symptom. It took my dh a long time to come to terms of what was happening, before he actually went in and received help. ED and low T are not the same issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 11:31am
I'm sure there could be many causes other than ED.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 3:14pm

hmmm....well, it seems that the consensus is that it is not ED, but possibly a testosterone issue...



I'm going to see how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Mon, 09-20-2010 - 7:29pm

The bf may or may not get help. I was simply offering my two cents since my dh suffers with this issue because of low T/metabolic disorder.



For the OP, I don't know if this is the case with your bf, but this was the case for my dh, and it happened before he turned 40. He also has the metabolic disorder to go along with the low T.



Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 12:57am
I think it's important to remember that we aren't doctors and can't diagnose a problem and even a qualified doctor wouldn't diagnose over the internet! It may or may not be ED, low T or a multitude of other things. I believe diabetes can indeed affect sexual performance, and it doesn't sound like his fitness level is going to help in that regard either (or with his diabetes for that matter). All that said, it's also true that stress alone can have a profound effect on the libido. I'm attaching a link about sex and stress but would again encourage you to encourage him to talk to his doctor about it.

Stress and Your Sex Life





















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2009
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 4:58am
My husband is 48 and has never had a problem with ED. He needs to get block work done

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