What is the proper thing to do ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2009
What is the proper thing to do ?
22
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 10:32pm

Ive been dating a man for 2 yrs who is so tight with his money. He is wonderful in many ways but I am deffinately the giver. For example I just want to see what you think of this. He invited us to go to a theme park , I told him I could not afford to go and bring my daughter, It was just before xmas so money was so tight for me. I make a very small income, he makes 4 times what I do. He said he goes every year and its a xmas gift to his kids. He begged me to go with them and I said many times I really cant afford it, well my daughter wanted to so badly so he said " Could you borrow the money somewhere ?" It really hurt my feelings, I thought he should of treated us, I did borrow the money from my

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 01-20-2011 - 11:01pm

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 12:20am

The

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 12:23am

Welcome back, Livlafluv2009 ~

I want to provide the links to your previous posts so that others can get a better feel for your situation and history, and so you can have the opportunity to read through them.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 1:28am

Hi Livlafluv ~

It sounds to me like not only is he tight with his money, but he's tight with his time and not at all concerned about your finances.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 1:47am

Is he fully aware of the fact that you earn only one quarter of what he does? if so I think the he should have offered to treat you when you said you could not afford to go. Or at the very least offered to go halves with you on the cost of the tickets. Seems to me that if he knows your financial situation, that he should have figured that this may be too big of an expense for you before he even asked. So does he expect you to pay for your own dinner when you go out to eat every time? The only good thing about this is that you have a forewarning about the type of future husband he may be. The type that will have a cow if you go over the food budget by a dollar or two on any given week. Maybe it's me being 52 years old and "old school", but when a man asks you out to dinner or a concert (or whatever) I think the asking you out should come under the assumption that he is asking you for a date and taking care of the cost of the date. However, some of the young 'uns on here like undercover crab may have a different opinion on this. I see this really becoming a huge problem more so down the road If you marry this guy and he nickles and dimes all the household and your personal expenses to death.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 9:13am

I remember your posts from around these boards in the past, but I just want to offer some insight into the financial aspect...

I'm in your boyfriend's position. I bring in a lot of money for my age, more than three times what my boyfriend makes. Here's how I view things: Sometimes I forget that, especially in this economic climate, not everyone has recreational money to throw around. It's not that I don't care, it's that I can't really relate and sometimes I forget. I watch him spend money on a new Xbox game and wonder why he doesn't want to go out to eat, but I have to remember that he's choosing carefully what he wants to spend his money on. Moreover, I am not going to lend him money, nor am I going to pay for him to live on "my level", because we are not married and our finances are separate and I don't believe in that. So from my perspective, I'd have to say, ONLY about the monetary facet of this relationship, that you seem pretty greedy by expecting him to pay for you. If you want life to be more "fair" then stop asking him for handouts and look for a job that pays more. Is that possible? Maybe not, but it's not "fair" to expect another person to take care of you financially when you're a) an adult, b) capable of working, and c) not married to him.

I have to say I really hate your attitude of entitlement to someone's money just because you're dating him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 11:57am
I don't really think she feels "entitled" to his money, but him paying his fair share would be nice. And not to pressure her to borrow money to take a trip with him. That's too much and I'd dump him.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 12:15pm

I am a bit confused on somethigns. I've read a few of your posts and I'm still trying to get a feel for what kind of guy this is.

In one post you mention that he'll offer to fill up your car with gas before you return home. However, when you get ready to leave - he doesn't give you money or take you to the gas station. I suggested that you pipe up and say, "It would be so helpful if I could get some gas money," or "Could you follow me to the gas station so I can take you up on your offer?"

But then in this post you said that "But he never insists that he help with the expense to make it more even."

Is insisting and offering different to you? Do you want a guy who pushes the issue until you have some travel funds (insisting)? Would you be OK with just reminding him of his offer and getting him to follow through (offering)?

It sounds like you aren't sure how to take someone up on an offer if it happened a day ago. There's nothing wrong with that. Some guys just aren't super intuitive and they need reminders.

I gave you the example of how I paid for both of my and my boyfriend's plane tickets (like $1000 worth). I told him what his share was, but I had to remind him 2x. Then I just said before leaving his house one day, "Can you write me a check right now?" I was not hurt that he didn't jump up to get his checkbook on the first request.

So I wonder if you now say, "I only have enough funds to visit you 2x a month. If you want to see me more, then it would be so helpful if you contributed to my travel funds, or came to see me."

The whole thing with the theme park - I would have been just forward and said, "I really don't have the funds to take us all to the park, but if you want to make this your Christmas gift to my kids, I'm sure they would love it."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 1:14pm

I also find him asking her "If she could borrow the money somewhere" for an outing HE asked her out on TACKY as hell. And I still say when she told him she can't afford the outing that he could have at least offered to go halves with her on the tickets, just out of love and a spirit of generosity. I would have dumped his cheap arse had it been me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 1:45pm

A lot of people (or maybe the same people over and over) have pointed out that the OP assumes and then becomes resentful when her assumptions are not met.

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