what should i do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
what should i do
16
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 4:41pm
What should I do? I do love my husband very much and besides other issues going on there is an issue that I think I need help on. My husband has ADHD and ADD. this really isnt a problem but then it is. He has a hard time keeping a job. he loves to work but after a few he gets bored and and then the job goes byebyes i understand that this is due to his problem he was on ssi for a while because of it but they said its not a reason anymore since bushes new bill. so he got cut off and since then he trys his best but once again he got fired. this time they said it was a no call no show but i am the one that called him off so i know for a fact that they were called. the company has a reputation for letting people go when they are close to a raise or are about to get their 90 days . a friend said ship him to the curb. another said to stand strong beside him and he will be ok. what should i do???????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 5:02pm

I recommend you come visit the Families and Mental Illness board here at ivillage. There are some ladies dealing with similiar circumstances.

You don't say wether or not your H is medicated. It is appropriate if his ADD is damaging his life that he does take medication and get counseling to manage the issue. Local Behavioral Health services can help in that regard if you do not have insurance.

My partner is bipolar. It is perfectly acceptable for you to set boundaries with your H. Figure out what you need and sit with him and tell him. With my partner it is a requirement that he takes his medication and manages his illness to live in our home. In the past he has had therapy, peer counseling and we attended couples counseling AND religiously takes his medication. I also have an expectation of him participating as a partner and co-parent. Actually once his medications were stable it was part of his natural way of being to be a loving partner and co-parent and model employee. I am fortunate that his medications work at the lowest dose with little or no side effects. He feels so much better with them that he never wants to go off of them but before his diagnosis and medication this very nice man was screwing up his life and his families life by proxy.

He has even told me that if I hadn't been so tough on him he doesen't know if he would have taken his disease and treatment seriously.

Also, go to the library and check out some books on ADD/ADHD. They can give you some great insight. Also NAMI, the national alliance for the mentally ill is a fantastic resource and support organization.

ADD/ADHD is a very real biological disorder. Your H wouldn't expect to have diabetes and not manage it properly so ADD should be approached for just what it is, a chronic illness that can be manged.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 6:54pm

Your husband should be able to get counselling to learn how to control his behavior, and possibly some medications. Maybe it would help if you encouraged or arranged that for him.

Just as a side note, most employers don't accept calls for not showing from anyone else but the employee themselves, and they shouldn't. A grown man doesn't have his wife call, she isn't the employee. All responsible people take responsibility for themselves, not depend on others. And, they don't fire someone for one occurrence, it had to have been a cumulative thing. I'm just bringing this to your attention so you don't try to rationalize or blame someone else for him losing his job. ADD or not, he needs to be responsible. It is something he can manage, if he takes responsibility. It is fair that you demand that of him, and not enable him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 11:07pm
Is he on medication to control his disorders?


ADD and ADHD are not things that aren't likely to away, considering he has them as an adult; what's he doing to control them and to learn to deal with them better? There are lots of books on adult ADD, has he read any? He's the one that has to take the steps to deal with them, you can stand by him his whole life, but if he isn't working to manage them better nothing is going to change and nothing you do will make a difference - he has to do the work, he's the one with the problem. The deal is, he may have a problem, but the outside world is going to expect him to adhere to their expectations, it's up to him to find ways to do manage in the outside world in an adequate way.

Another board that might offer some insight for you is

Adults with ADD/ADHD








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 2/15/2007 11:35 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 10:42am
Thank you that does help some I am going to give him the info I just hope he does do something with it. but i do thank you.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 11:45am

<>

What does that mean?

A friend of mine takes Cymbalta for ADD, so I'm not sure what Bush's new bill has to do with anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 8:36pm
there weere a few othere reasons why he was on ssi it also was because he is half deaf in one ear. but from what i heard bush started a new bill about a year or two ago, and they reevaltualted him and now say that his hearing isnt enough since add isnt a reason for issues any more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 1:21am
Is he on medication? If not, why not?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 02-17-2007 - 7:07am
When he was removed from SSI, did you appeal the decision?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 12:50pm
he use to be but refuses to. at least last time that we talked about it. why do you think that maybe i should insist on him getting back on it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-18-2007 - 1:38pm
It sounds like his ADHD is having a huge negative affect on his life, choosing to allow that without doing what you can to change it doesn't make sense.


Why did he stop taking them and why did he refuse to consider medication again?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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