What should I do now????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
What should I do now????
3
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 1:38pm

Has anyone ever experienced this before.....

I have been dating my BF for two years. I have been madly in love. I have dreamed of being married to him in a normal relationship. I have been struggling with my desire to have the relationship move to the next level. He has told me that he wants to live as a family one day soon also and he says he loves me very much. However our relationship continues on the same, with me in my home and he in his. Just recently I got really tired and I decided to just give up the struggle. I decided that maybe he really isn't the one for me. I figured if things are this difficult to move ahead then may be it just isn't meant to be. I told him how I felt, that it was not an overnight decision but a process of thinking about how hopeless things seem and and that I need to be free to find the life that I want for myself. I figure if after two years he doesn't know if he wants to live with me then he will probably never know. If I am alone in the evenings it is because it is my choice and not as a result of waiting for him. I have felt lonely in this relationship.

So now he has said he wants us to see a couples counselor, that he really wants to make it work, that he is completely surprised to hear this etc. etc. blah blah blah.....Here is the problem. After all this soul searching and decision making I have really lost my desire to be with him. I "talked myself out of the relationship" and his ambivalence has caused me to lose some respect for him. I still think he is a great person. He is loyal and decent and kind. He is hardworking and dedicated to his job. But I just don't think I can get it back and this is why I am sad.

What should I do now????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 1:45pm

For those who aren't familiar with Magnolia2006's situation, you can find her previous post here:


Fight or Flight!!!


I'm at work right now and won't be able to respond until I'm home tonight.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 10:36pm

I haven't experienced exactly what you're going through, but I had a boyfriend who didn't take the concerns and warnings about my unhappiness in our relationship seriously until I told him it was over. Then he was very interested in getting proactive about taking care of the problems. But, like you, by that time, the writing was on the wall, I'd had plenty of time to see him work on things that I was unhappy about for a short time, then went right back to the same old behaviors. By then I knew "trying again" would only prolong the inevitable, the relationship wasn't going to work; he was clearly showing me who he was, what his preference was; the relationship was on it's way out.


It seems to me you pointed out several serious items that had been consistent problems throughout your relationship, things that aren't going to go away, like his relationship with your son, for example. And if, like you say, you've been consistently lonely in this relationship you've lost your desire to be with him, I guess I don't know why you don't know what to do. I can understand being surprised and sad for him that now he wants to take action (too little too late really makes you feel like you were important), but based on what you said in your first post, I don't know what you expect to happen here. I am assuming by the statement, "I don't think I can get it back" you're considering trying again? If that's the case I guess you'd have to ask yourself what issues you believe are really fixable and what aren't. For instance, if he doesn't get along great and accept your son by now (should have happened early on in that first year) you have to know it's not going to happen. You indicated he's gone a lot and have also indicated you're looking for companionship. Sounds like in the same house or not, you're still going to be lonely. A ring on your finger will not keep you company and will not make an inadequate relationship right. I think you can gauge how life would be with him by looking back at the last year or so. You've seen how he is, how he responds, how your relationship goes. The behavior you've seen is how he is, it's not going to change.

I'd suggest rereading your first post and the replies, do a lot of serious thinking based in reality of what is rather than how you'd like things to be (not always fun or easy). But, if you've truly come to a place where you feel you've lost your desire for the relationship, I'd say you already know what you need to do.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 2:24pm
Your advise is amazingly logical...thank you so much. Our emotions can cloud the reality of a situation so easily. I do believe that feelings are the language of the soul and we need to listen very carefully to what we are feeling.
You have a natural talent for communication and the written word. You cut to the chase in a very diplomatic way....
I will digest your words and I know that it will all unfold according to divine order. Sometimes it's really hard to see the obvious and it takes two to see one.
Thank you.