What to think, what to do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
What to think, what to do...
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:19pm

Here's my situation.

I have been exclusively dating Tim since October. I live with my 7 year old and tim has his own place. Every time things are going smoothly and we are really grooving, Tim backs away and I don't hear from him. I have tried telling him what I need and how I feel, and it works for awhile. He becomes attentive again, calls to say hello, wants to spend time with me. This last time was different. I truly love him and want more from him. I want a commitment and let him know it, which did not go over well with him. He told me that he likes things the way they are and has not thought about taking it further with me. O.K. Fine. I told him I would not push him, but that I just needed him to know how I felt. Next day we spoke, everything seemed fine, he said he'd call me. I haven't seen or heard from him since, and it's a week today.

The last two times he pulled away from me, I was the one who "broke the ice". This time, I will not call him. He knows how I feel. Should I wait? Is he done? I just need an honest view of all this. Also, how can someone just not call for a week after what was a nice 7 month long relationship? I'm hurting and so desperately want to speak with him, but I feel that it is his move to make. Am I dumped?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 2:27pm
Hey... I think that he turned tail and ran away.

But reading through your post, it was obvious to me that from what he said he wasn't looking for a long term relationship anyway. He seemed afraid of commitment even before you brought up the subject. The fact that he hasn't called in so long just reinforces that fact. Because you're right, you deserve much more than that after 7 months! In other words, I think you are much better off. You two weren't looking for the same thing in the relationship, and though you could have waited, it may be that he just isn't wanting a long term commitment at all. It would not have been fair to you, and it would have just been harder to let things go.

You are right, you shouldn't call him. I think you just have to accept the fact that though you love him, you are just on completely different wavelengths about what you want from eachother. So let it go...

And remember that there are plenty of guys out there who are willing to commit, and are looking for a lasting, rewarding relationship.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 4:43pm
"Every time things are going smoothly and we are really grooving, Tim backs away and I don't hear from him."

If he backs away whenever you are feeling really close to him, then he does not want that intimacy. He wants to keep things at a lower-level, while you want more.

If this level is not enough for you, then let him go. If you like things as they are, and can feel OK just living your life and letting him have the space he needs, then each time he emerges from his cave (contacts you again) welcome him with a smile.