what would you do?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:53pm |
Well I feel like I have a pretty unusual situation and am not sure how to deal with it so here it goes....
Basically in a nutshell, my boyfriend's ex-wife got pregnant last year using his frozen sperm through artificial insemination without his permission or his knowledge. He just found out now that he is the father after a paternity test because of her seeking child support. I know this sounds jacked up, but it's true. I'm not sure what to do, I know this happened beyond his control, but it still is a life-changing event. Our relationship has been getting serious and I know he wants to marry me, but I'm not sure of the repurcussions of this. What would you do in this situation? And any other comments, words of wisdom, advice, or inspiration would be appreciated. Thank you.

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You've just got to love science sometimes, don't you? Especially when it provides a scenario that sounds like it's straight out of the Inquirer!
Before I can offer you much, I need a little more information. Kimbirdy's covered the likely legal aspect, but I'm wondering what other affects this is having on him? How does he feel about this (besides stunned, I mean)? Is he angry, excited, confused (and if so, are his feelings for you becoming confused too?)? Or, is he mostly focusing on the legal aspect and his liabilities? Or, is he wrestling with what he knows his legal responsibilities yet still feeling responsible for this child? How long has it been since she informed him he is the father? Has he seen an attorney (and if not, he needs to see an attorney who is known to be good in paternity type cases asap)? And can I say she's got some nerve (putting it politely) to expect child support in a situation like this. It sounds like this is an attempt to keep her hands on him, is that how it seems to you too?
I am so sorry for the position you, he and the poor child are in. From what you've said, it's a pretty lousy thing to have happen and a pretty incredible thing to do. I'll be checking back for your response.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
That never occurred to me, but it's a good thought and a valid consideration, Geo.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yes, he has a lawyer. This past week is when he's received the news that he is in fact the biological father. I know he's angry because of the sheer amount of money it will cost him. He is pretty well off, and so the money she would receive would be a lot. I know that lies in some of her motive. I also think that what you said,
It sounds like this is an attempt to keep her hands on him........yeah I agree.
To answer the rest of your questions, he's not confused about his feelings for me, and has no inclination to be with her. However, there are some underlying issues that would influence this situation. I know he really wants kids, and I know he's scarred from his father leaving his family when he was very young. So I know he feels like he should be somewhat responsible for this child, if only financially.
Before this "development" we had talked about moving out of state together, now I really want to do that just to separate ourselves from this crap. I guess that sounds really selfish of me....but this just makes me mad.
Whoops! Somehow I didn't see your post from earlier today!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 4/26/2006 11:45 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I realize that this has come as a shock to both of you, and the reality is still sinking in, but at some point I hope your boyfriend will give some thought to being more than just a reluctant sperm donor and check writer. Like it or not, a little child who is half his will be born in a few months, and that child is going to need a daddy, not to mention a sane and sensible presence in his or her life.
How do you think this child is going to feel in years to come when the birthday story everyone tells is not about love and joy, but about vengeance, manipulation, and money? I hope that, as the weeks pass and your boyfriend becomes accustomed to his new status, both you and he will think with more compassion of the little person who is going to need him so very much.
mariana2006,
<>
Please don't do this, don't move away from this child because you have deemed it a "innconvience" to your future plans. I know how frustrating this must be and how it has thrown a wrench in your plans. But, please remember that none of this is that child's fault. That child is going to need a relationship with it's father, it's only fair and right.
The BM (Birth mother) did a really bad thing and I'm not by any means taking her side. I'm taking the side of the child. A child doesn't deserve to brought into this world as a manipulation tacktic, this one already was. Don't make it's life harder just because it doesn't fit into your picture of what you want with your BF.
I don't mean to offend you, but no matter how not legitiament the circumstances that this child came into this world by, this situation is about you, it's about that child. It's already coming into a bad sittuation, don't make it worse by moving it's dad away.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Based on his own experience as a child, I'd guess he's not going to be able to move out of state, not and feel very good about himself. Whether he wants kids or not, this is a really lousy thing to do to anybody. I hope somehow he makes her pay for this -- this kind of thing should not go unpunished.
I'm sure it's going to take him some time to let all this settle in his own mind, talk to his attorney to figure out what's possible, what's not, etc. before he'll know how he really feels about this and what he intends to do. Since he's wanted kids, Geo's earlier question may be something he'll consider, gaining custody himself.
What about you? This has to be incredibly difficult. Here you were making plans that suddenly have been changed. And for now, you don't even really know how that change is going to affect your lives. You can't really do much more than sit back, watch and wait. Whatever decision your boyfriend makes has to be his own for sure. How long have you been together? I know you'd talked about moving together, which obviously indicates your relationship was quite strong and stable. Were you considering marriage? How would you feel if he decided to take custody and raise the child himself, would you be willing to be a mother to this child? How are you holding up through all of this, how are you doing? Stunned and angry would come to mind first (for me anyway).
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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