what would you do?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:53pm |
Well I feel like I have a pretty unusual situation and am not sure how to deal with it so here it goes....
Basically in a nutshell, my boyfriend's ex-wife got pregnant last year using his frozen sperm through artificial insemination without his permission or his knowledge. He just found out now that he is the father after a paternity test because of her seeking child support. I know this sounds jacked up, but it's true. I'm not sure what to do, I know this happened beyond his control, but it still is a life-changing event. Our relationship has been getting serious and I know he wants to marry me, but I'm not sure of the repurcussions of this. What would you do in this situation? And any other comments, words of wisdom, advice, or inspiration would be appreciated. Thank you.

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::::Putting on a flame retardant suit::::
I'm not necessarily saying this is what I would do, but it IS my initial thoughts on the situation.
The BF IS a sperm donor. He isn't a dad except that someone got ahold of his DNA, possibly illegally, and used it to have themselves inseminated. He's no more a "dad" than any other guy who donates... And we would NOT be arguing for them to be involved in any offsprings lives.
My initial reaction is to get her parental rights terminated. She's GOT to fall under unfit mother.... And then I would put the child up for adoption. Why force the child into a situation where there is no way to have 2 parents? Try and give the child the best future by giving him/her a home with two wonderful, loving parents who ARE desparate for a child...
Now, if your BF decides to keep the child, that will be his right. And you will get NO say in it because it is NOT your place to have a say. Just don't try and be a wedge if he decides to be in the child's life. But I think adoption would be a great option that would satisfy a lot of this circumstances.
Jen
Hi, Jen! I do and don't disagree with you, but no flame-retardant suit should be necessary. I doubt that there is any way to have the mom's parental rights terminated. She and her ex own his sperm, and he has to have known that it was on ice somewhere, still viable. I agree that her behavior is reprehensible and destructive to her child, that she has no business having a child, that she is cruel and manipulative, but I don't think the court will agree.
I also agree that a loving adoptive home would be far better than two biological parents at each other's throats, completely disregarding the needs and feelings of the child. When I made my plea for Mariana's boyfriend to involve himself, it was based on her statement that he wanted children (and banking his sperm supports that) and that he planned to be involved with the child "if only financially." If he is willing to support his child financially, I would like to see him consider taking a greater step, and supporting him (for some reason, I think this child is a boy) parentally, as well.
The main reason I wrote was that it seemed that the child was getting lost in the distress and outrage of the adults. There will be a real baby here in a few months, is all I was saying, and his needs take precedence over those of all the adults involved.
Geo,
I know in some states you have to have consent from both parties to actually USE the sperm. I can't see how any place would have it set up that one person can come in without the others consent and use the sperm. And if it was a question of "ownership", you'd have thought that once the divorce was final it would automatically be assigned to him or something. So, if they were divorced when she used it, I would assume that she did something illegal.
I know I've seen in the news that there is a case where a woman wants to use her frozen embryos to get pg and her X refuses. Legally he can because both had to consent to making them and then both had to consent to using them. I know for her it's really sad because she can't have children now (I think due to cancer) and this was her only hope for biological offspring.
Jen
I've heard about cases like that, too--my assumption here (and we all know what it means when we assume) is that she didn't tell anyone that they were no longer together. I want to check on what the legalities are, because they probably vary from state to state. Do we know what state we're talking about here? Like you, I would think that something as potentially controversial as his sperm would have been disposed of or something during the divorce proceedings. He's making more sperm all the time, after all--he could have just dumped it down the sink, and this would never have happened.
Be that as it may, legal or not, the ex has now conceived, and there will be a baby shortly. Genetically, he has some involvement with the child; on a personal level, maybe not. It will just depend on how he sees the situation, and he may feel differently in a few months than he does right now.
Okay, I'm back, but the news is not very helpful. There are only 13 states that have ANY kind of laws regulating the use of frozen sperm, and most of the cases I saw related to children conceived by artificial insemination several years after the death of the sperm producer. However, one authority said this: " . . . the court wanted proof that the child came into being with the sperm donor's consent, and said that the fact that he'd frozen his sperm wasn't enough to show consent . . . ." That seems to put the force of law on Mariana's boyfriend's side, because he obviously didn't give his consent.
So, perhaps there is more duplicity here than we think. How does Mariana's boyfriend know that this is his child? I am under the impression (gotta do some more research--it's a good thing the semester is over and my finals are written) that DNA testing of embryos/fetuses is only undertaken if there is an urgent reason--"Who's your daddy?" is not considered that urgent--because of the potential risk to the unborn child. Is it possible that she has conceived by some other man, and is trying to manipulate her exhusband into coming back to her or at least coming across with a decent sum of cash?
Back again, following some additional research. This is a very humbling experience--I haven't been this wrong this often since I was in grad school. There is now a non-invasive (won't hurt the baby) test that involves taking a blood sample from the mother and looking for free clumps of DNA, which pass from the placenta into the mother's bloodstream. This is DNA from the baby, and it can be examined to find out things like the baby's sex and who the father is. This will only work for a first pregnancy, however. Once a baby's DNA enters the mother's bloodstream, it can just float around in there for years, complicating subsequent tests.
There are also some invasive tests, but even they seem to be done more casually than when I last was interested in such things (my baby is 26 years old, so things have changed a bit). The invasive tests are specific to the particular child (they're done in utero), so there is no likelihood of getting a sibling's DNA.
Hi all,
I'm sorry, but I just feel that regardless of the legal standpoint there is going to be a baby and that baby is going to grow into a human being with feelings. Take a step back and think how you would feel right now if you found out that your father just casted you aside because your mother did something bad.
My DH's ex did something bad too. After his DD was born she lied, cheated and did drugs. She drove him away. But, just because he wasn't with her, he still had a child and he is taking responsibility for that. He's gone through so much heartache from the BM (she is a piece of work, I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl) but he stuck around because if he left completely his DD would be devistated. And as for the the courts, I highly doubt there is a chance he's going to be able to get that baby away from the BM. My DH's ex failed a drug test (tested positive for cocain, pot and X) and still got full custody. If that's not endangering a child I don't know what is, but they still gave her my DSD and her sister (not my DH's child).
Bottom line is yes it may have been illegal, in which that case sure he wouldn't have any responsibility for this child. However, if that was the path he chose it would mean that a parent would be walking out on a child just because it didn't come into the family in the right situation. To me, that is the most selfish horrible thing to possibly do. It's like saying "You are unacceptable because of what someone else did." A child growing up is not going to understand that. The point here is not what the messed up mother did, but that there is going to be a baby and that baby is going to have feelings and will have many issues later in life because it's father bailed on it.
I guess I just find it so heartbreaking that just because the BM did something that possibly wasn't legal, this guy can just walk away and not care about this little life. None of this was that childs fault, but it's going to be that child who pays the price. That's sad. I hope the OP writes updates so we know what's going on.
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Def,
I understand feeling that way. And I am finding it kind of odd that I'm the one arguing the other way here....
He did NOT make a baby. Just because his genetic material was used does not make him a father. He did not sleep with her, she went and stole sperm. If she had used ANYONE else's sperm, would we be telling them-- Well, it's your child, now pony up? He was as good as an anonymous sperm donor because HE WAS. He had no knowledge of it. He didn't even drunkenly give his consent or anything.
If he decides to be involved because HE thinks it's what he should do, great. It's not a father walking away from his child anymore than any other sperm donor is walking away from their child. And if the MOTHER choses to tell the child that so-and-so is your daddy and he didn't want you..... how many of us base our decisions on what someone else might do?
But I do understand your side. Trust me, I think this is awful. And there has GOT to be some legal recourse....
imasillynnut,
I totally see your point. Yes the BM just used his sperm without him knowing about it at the time. Believe me, this BM is sick. However, if he had concern about the sperm then at the time of the divorce he should have had the sperm disposed of. Since he didn't, in a way he can't just come across this as a big shock. Not that it gives the BM rights to do what she did. I'm not saying that at all. Yes, it's still a shock, I'm just trying to say that if it was important to him, he would have thought of that at the time of the divorce.
I just know that if my DH were to find out that his DD wasn't his, he couldn't just walk away from her. Even if he could, I know that would just....even more devistate her then him just not being around.
I'm with you in that I hope the situation comes to the right terms. Let's all hope together. :) I'm not on anyone's side but the baby's. Legal or not, can you imagine telling this 8 year old that he's not legal, so he's not entilited to his parents?? I feel for this baby. Hopfully it grows up with some guidence and doesn't turn into a nut case that is a horrible person because of it's horrible childhood. Not that all people with horrible childhood's grow up that way. But you know what I mean. This is a situation that just is sad. Period.
:)
defleppardgal
Edited 4/28/2006 12:24 am ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Coming in really late (sorry about that!) Jen, whether what you're saying would actually come to be or not, I think it's a perfectly logical solution. Like you (I think) I fail to see the mother of this child as a fit mother, at least by what we know and by what we assume. It seems her intentions were not to have a child that she wants, rather the child is a pawn to keep her claws into her ex, perhaps hoping it will bring him back to her. It's hard to see someone who appears to be seeing a child as a carrot as being capable of loving the child and giving it the care it needs and deserves. As for the biological father, he didn't agree to the pregnancy and wasn't't looking for children. Giving the child up for adoption seems like a very good choice, the child would have two loving parents who want and are ready for a child. Even if the legal system would mandate something like this, I think it's very possible the biological father wouldn't agree to it. It would be hard to allow that to happen, even if the child was not your choice or your preference.
No flame retardant suit, Jen; what you're suggesting makes perfect sense for all involved, IMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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