what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
what would you do?
27
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:53pm

Well I feel like I have a pretty unusual situation and am not sure how to deal with it so here it goes....

Basically in a nutshell, my boyfriend's ex-wife got pregnant last year using his frozen sperm through artificial insemination without his permission or his knowledge. He just found out now that he is the father after a paternity test because of her seeking child support. I know this sounds jacked up, but it's true. I'm not sure what to do, I know this happened beyond his control, but it still is a life-changing event. Our relationship has been getting serious and I know he wants to marry me, but I'm not sure of the repurcussions of this. What would you do in this situation? And any other comments, words of wisdom, advice, or inspiration would be appreciated. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 1:12pm

You believe that story?

I think that's just his explaination for sleeping with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 7:40pm

you write: " She and her ex own his sperm, and he has to have known that it was on ice somewhere, still viable. "

I"m curious as to what the divorce decree said about the ownership of the sperm. Why didn't he have it destroyed once he divorced and knew he didn't want children with her? It was sperm, not embryos. How is it that she was able to get her hands on it? Seems to be something actionable there.

If I was him, I'd make her life a living legal hell from now on... and because she basically stole the sperm to extort money out of him, he should sue for sole custody of the child and terminate her parental rights--and that is done on even less than this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 7:57pm

you write: "so he's not entilited to his parents?? "

The child in question has no more entitlement to this man as a parent than any child conceived through the use of a sperm bank. You keep getting stuck on the notion that this child was conceived through consentual sexual intercourse; a child that is a result of artificial insemination by an anonymous sperm donor--which is what this guy is--- is only entitled to its mother as a parent, not its father. Quite frankly, this guy should sue her doctor and the medical facility where the proceedure was done. This isn't some romantic turn of events, here... the mother selfishly chose to do this---clearly she had no regard for the welfare or the feelings of the child or how this could negatively impact it, so the mother should shoulder the complete cost of having and raising the child. That is the consequence of her action. Life isn't fair for anyone.

The fact remains that she STOLE the sperm, because she didn't obtain permission to use it--if she had, she most likely would have been denied usage since she is no longer married to the man--she came into possession of it by fraudulent, illegal means and she's using the pregnancy/child as an extortion tool---women who use sperm banks/donors don't use them to later extort money out of the donor. If they could, the law would have shut them down a long time ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:06pm

Not knowing really any details of the situation lets just play some what if's here.

Since they were married when the sperm was frozen, how do you know that both of their names weren't on the chart for this sperm?? I don't see how she could sue the hospital or the BF could say she "stole" it, if in fact after the divorce nothing was done by him to distroy it. Maybe since her name was still on there she lied and told the doctor they were still married.

I don't know much about the Doctor in question, but in all the Doctor appointments I've ever been too they take your word on whether or not you are married. They don't have the time to go through and research all their patient's marital status. If her name was on the sperm and they never recieved word from him to take her off or distroy it, what else were they supposed to do?? It's like with a bank, if both names are on the account they're not always going to call your spouse to make sure you're still married whenever you want to make a withdrawl.

I'm not saying that the BM isn't in the wrong here. I'm just trying to say that in my opinion the BF should take some responsibility in this situation. If the sperm was so important then he should have taken care of it along time ago. This whole situation is one for the books though and no matter what happens or what happened in the past I just hope that that child doesn't have to pay the price for all the adults mistakes. Unfortunately I'm sure that that however will be the case.

defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 5:18pm
According to the research I did a couple of days ago, the doctor is supposed to obtain the father's current consent before using the sperm. However, this is a really grey area legally, so I am not sure how responsible the doctor would be for having proceeded with the insemination if he had good reason to believe he had current consent. This whole thing is very murky. I think it's a good thing the boyfriend has an attorney.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 7:34pm

you write: "Since they were married when the sperm was frozen, how do you know that both of their names weren't on the chart for this sperm??"

If both of their names were on it, then the facility can demonstrate that they made a good faith effort to contact him about her wish to use his sperm. Doesn't sound like that's the case. We're not talking about embryos... it's sperm, which comes from men only, so it would stand to reason that it's his, not hers. There is no way she should have been able to gain access to it without his consent or without being contacted by the doctor or facility. The argument that they don't have time to do it is called negligence. If he knew that she could fraudulently gain access to it, he wouldn't have been blindsided by what's fallen out in experience and he probably would have taken steps to have it destroyed--it sounds like he had no reason to believe that the facility would fail in its duty to make sure all was legal and sound.

you write: " I'm just trying to say that in my opinion the BF should take some responsibility in this situation."

If he had laid down with her and planted his seed in her, your point would be valid. Sperm donors aren't liable for child support or responsibility for the child created in any of the 50 states in the union.




Edited 5/1/2006 7:35 pm ET by quenek
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 12:54pm

I'm fighting a loosing battle here and I'm giving up, but before I do.....

I agree totally that sperm donor's don't have to pay child support. As for my responsibility comment, I wasn't talking about financially. I was talking about taking responsibility for HIS mistake of not distroying the sperm or making sure she couldn't get to it. They are both at fault for this situation.

Why should everyone just let everyone else take care of their responsibilities?? If the sperm is his, he should have taken care of it. I'm finding this is happening more and more and it's odd to me. Like, my best friend and her husband. Her husband is being watched by the IRS because of some back taxes he owes. The reason he owes them is while going through his divorce from his first wife, he let her do the taxes. He never checked to see that she did them and come to find out she didn't. Anyways, he's totally taking it out on her. I see his point, but at the same time HE should have checked on the status of the taxes if they were so important. He is just as much at fault as her. No one wants to take blame anymore for their choices.

I really wonder how this child is going to turn out as a human being when it's whole life it will always be told it's unacceptable. It's one thing to be told that you were the product of a sperm donor, it's another thing to be told your father doesn't want anything to do with you because your mother screwed up, stole his sperm and now she hates you too because you didn't make the father come back to her. I'm sorry, but steal or not, Doctor messed up or not, Finanical issues or not, this child is going to have a horrible life and I just feel that no matter what happened in the past or present the child is the victum, not the BF. The BF is a (at one time consenting to make it with a cup...hehe) adult who made choices and chose those choices. This child isn't choosing any of this.

Ok, I'm done. :) Agree to disagree.

defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

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