What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-1998
What would you do?
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 11:48am

I was checking my FB recently and noticed this message in my inbox (turns out it was my husband's fb and a conversation between him and his sister). I will admit that I should not have read it, but once it caught my eye, I couldn't stop. 

"Jess is doing wedding stuff all the time last week or so, I'm super stressed about money right now but not much you can do, parties, get togethers, presents, hair, make up...i was stressed about money before all that which makes it worse, but what can you do, she's in the wedding of one of her best friends. It's just been C (our daughter) and I a lot as she's been busy running here and there and, it's terrible to say, but I function really well like that. They stayed at the cottage last night and I had a great time getting groceries and going for a walk/jog with missy, found it relaxing...and the morning more relaxing too lol got out the door with plenty of time. "

I'm really sad after reading this. It makes me feel like he's happier when I'm not around :( I guess it's karma for reading this message?!

Would you mention this to your partner/husband if you read it?

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 12:18pm

Would you mention this to your partner/husband if you read it?

First of all, I don't snoop. 

Perhaps instead of mentioning this to you DH, you need to scale back on your best friend's wedding and focus on making the time with your family more relaxing?    I mean, most people make a dig deal about a wedding, but really, it is the marriage they should be working on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 2:34pm

I agree with Demon......you need to cut back on the spending, and cut back on the wedding preparation, and spend more time with your husband and daughter......QUALITY time.  I'm a little confused with who is who (Missy?) but it doesn't sound like he's happier without you, it sounds like he's making the best of what he's got left while you're busy somewhere else with other people, and neglecting your family.  Or at least that's how he feels!  And stress over money will make anyone sad, espcially when its someone else creating it.  And sorry to say, anytime you read other people's mail, or email, or messages, be prepared to have hurt feelings.  That's why these things should be private!  Don't tell me you've never said or written to someone that your husband is a PIA sometimes, but you'd never hurt him by letting him read or hear that! 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 08-26-2013 - 5:35pm

I know many parents who, when they're left alone to take care of things, find it's actually easier to just make all the decisions.  Things run smoothly because they're totally in charge.  I find this, my DH finds it, my business partner does, etc.

What each of us would also say is that it may be easier ("I function really well like that") but it is not better.  It's easier to live by yourself, too, but most of us choose not to.

Let it go and learn from it.  Dont' mention it to your husband but be aware that he may well just be finding that he's competent under duress.  It doesn't mean he *wants* to live under duress.  Find some appropriate ways to take the pressure off him.  And do stop snooping - nothing good ever comes from it.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 1:50pm

I don't know that telling him you saw it would benefit anyone.  I have also sat down to FB and it has taken me a few minutes to figure out my DH didn't log out and it is.  It would be hard, once you started to read it and figured out it wasn't your FB, not to continue to read it.  Not saying it is okay, just saying I get it. 

I don't know your story, but to be honest, I also enjoy my DH being gone over night once in a while, or working late.  Gives me time to myself or time alone with my DD, or GF, or what have you.  I think it is perfectly normal.  We went camping in July and my DH went up a night early to get us a spot, and packing the car to head up the next morning without him was heaven!  We actually joked how this would be better for both of us.

Use this as an opportunity to look at how much time you are gone, how much money you are spending, and reevaluate whether there is anything you should change, or not. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 7:29pm

Best policy in a relationship is to never lie and I would explain that you accidently came across the message . Tell him that you are concerned about your relationship and ask him what you and he can both do together to spark up the romance. Lying and harboring do not mix well in a marriage.