when both are undecided on kids...
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|Mon, 02-08-2010 - 6:28pm|
I haven't asked a question for myself in quite some time!
I've got a wonderful boyfriend of 19 months. He is 31 and I'm 33.
At this point, he and I are very undecided about having children after marriage. I am worried about proceeding to any serious steps until this is resolved - but there is a good chance that won't be resvolved in a year even.
For me: I was pretty adamant that I wasn't having kids up until 30. Then at 30, I heard from LOTS of people tell me, "Your mind will change!" "Never say never!" So now I agree, I am open to the IDEA that my mind could change someday.
Could I envision life without kids? Right now, I guess I could. But I don't know what my 35+ year old self will say. Maybe my mind will change. It's hard to make plans right now, when I DON'T KNOW what my future self is going to want. Right now there is simply no 'want' to have kids.
For my boyfriend: he said if the woman he marries would be a good mother, he could see it but it's not something he's seeking out or planning for. He sees plenty of his 40-50s friends who are childless and says he can see life can be just as fulfilling without children. He also would say life would be fine if he never had kids. If he did have kids, he'd have just 2. Basically he says "I don't know" just as much as me.
By the way, I made sure the man I found could be a great dad just in case I did want kids or even something was unplanned. I also didn't want someone who said absolutely NO kids. Keep the options open just in case.
I worry that this has a greater chance of diverging to oppposite ends of the spectrum. It would be horrible to get married, and then 3 years later, I get baby fever and he went the opposite way. People who definitely know one way or another have a better chance of staying that way (granted nothing is 100%). Sure we can "keep tabs" on how we're feeling, but would that be enough?
Some say that this the most flexible combination. I just worry about the higher chance of heading down opposite roads and proceeding when we're still on the fence.
Do you think it should be "resolved" prior to marriage?
What if we're ready to get married and we still don't know?