when do you decide it's time to move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
when do you decide it's time to move on?
15
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:27pm

Hi,

I've posted a couple message on this board about my situation. Long story short, I've been with my bf for over two years, he seems to exhibit the qualities of a commitment phobic man, but yet still wants to be in this relationship. Just with no promises of a future for me. I'll be 35 next month, and I have to admit, I feel some urgency to resolve this. We went to our first counseling session yesterday, and although I feel it's a good start, I realize that it will take several sessions before we gain any clarity on the situation. I initiated a "break" for the month of August and as a result, even though we have decided to try to make the relationship work, there is now distance between us and I feel like I'm emotionally disconnecting from him. One of our issues is that he needs his space, so I've decided to give it to him, but it's as if we've taken several steps backward in our relationship.

We have some history in that we met and were close friends 10 years ago. He had feelings for me back then, but I didn't feel the same way. The counselor was trying to explore how much of his hurt from the past is affecting how he feels now. Anyway, she said that we shouldn't leave any stone unturned bc of our history and her role is as an advocate of the relationship. Do you think I should just stick it out through the counseling (for at least another month), or cut my losses now and move on?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 9:15pm

you write: "Do you think I should just stick it out through the counseling (for at least another month), or cut my losses now and move on?"

What do you think? You know the guy, we don't. Is he worth it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 9:38pm
Welcome back Run213 ~


I just got back from my daily run, peeked in at the board while logging my miles on my online running log and saw your post. I really need a shower and some dinner before I do any posting, but I wanted to provide your previous post so others who may get here before me have the benefit of the information your previous post will provide.


Good relationship books?


I'll be back in a while!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:06am
Hmmm, I was thinking you'd posted more about your relationship in your previous post, obviously, I was wrong!


I find it curious that now that you got what you wanted, the chance to really deal with the issue, after one session, which you say it felt like a good start, you're thinking about throwing in the towel. Why? What's changed from two days ago to today that makes your rethink this? It's not that I don't see your point, because I do, but I'm surprised that you'd come to this after a "good start" in the right direction. From what went on in the session do you think you can see where this is headed and feel maybe it's best just to cut to the chase and end it? Just trying to get an understanding of where you are and why before going further...!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 2:39am

Aside from the session, I feel like we just can't communicate and he hasn't been taking steps to try to reconnect with me. He told me after our month-long break that he realized he needs to go out a lot (i.e. party) and that he's just not ready to settle down. And he keeps giving me mixed messages ... he'll say things that make me want to break up for good with him. For example, when I asked him if he wants to be in this relationship, he said that he didn't know. So I took that as a signal that we really should just end things. But he got angry and asked me why I was so willing to walk away, that all I wanted was to find someone else who was ready to get married and have kids, and that he was fungible. Finally, he said that he wanted to be with me and try at the relationship. My contingency was that we had to go to counseling and he agreed.

Last weekend, I tried to ask him whether he has ever tried to psychoanalyze himself and he said yes, but that he hadn't come to any conclusions. Then he quickly changed the topic to something superficial and dumb, and I got upset. I asked him why we couldn't engage in a serious conversation to try to improve our relationship and he said that maybe that's just a reflection of how he feels about the relationship right now. He just keeps saying stuff that upsets me and I told him we couldn't go on like this. And he said he felt like he was just waiting to see how the counseling works out.

The counseling is going ok bc he seems to be open about things, but outside of that, I feel this awkwardness between us. It's almost as if we're just passing time. We don't talk about anything of substance; I don't feel like I know really what's going on in his life these days. And when we talked on the phone last night, we didn't even talk about how the session went. I didn't feel like bringing it up bc I didn't want to risk getting upset about something that he might say again. That's just how I've been feeling lately. I guess I'd feel differently if we were going into counseling with both of us saying that we really want this relationship to work. I still don't even know if that's what he truly wants and he has made it clear that he just can't say that he sees a future for us.

I guess that's what I want to explore through counseling ... what it is that he truly wants. And maybe bc it will take time, I'm already getting impatient with it, since I feel like it's only going to confirm that we should go our separate ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 3:42pm

I think you should cut your losses and break up with him for good. He sends mixed signals. He doesn't want the same things from the relationship that you want/need. He's hanging on as long as you don't crowd his space too much. That is not a healthy relationship for you.

About the counseling, don't feel bad if you end things before you finish the counseling. Therapy does not work miracles. It is often the last step before people split for good. When I was married, we saw a therapist a few times before we permanently separated. The therapy sessions were detrimental in our case (or maybe they worked just fine b/c it gave me what i needed to leave)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 8:44am

Wow, I had to jump in on this one.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 2:23am

If he can't say he wants a future with you after two years,

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 1:32am
Run, I don't know what to tell you, I can see this two different ways but have now way of knowing which situation I'm seeing is closest to your reality.


I think that having been apart and having been in "crisis" you would be holding the relationship at arm's length. If that's the case, counseling and time would do much to bring you back together, feeling closer.


I also think it's entirely possible that you've already checked out and moved forward to counseling basically because you were "bent" on improvement for so long that it felt like the natural next thing to do. Like you've wanted it (maybe not counseling exactly, but some indication of real work) from him for so long, when he gave it to you, your knee-jerk reaction was to go along with it just because for so long it was what you wanted to see.


What I'm hearing you say is that he wants to explore himself, and it sounds like you're interested in seeing this through for him, for his benefit, rather than for your relationship. If after this recent month-long break he told you he realizes his need to party he's pretty clearly telling you he's not ready to be what you want and need. Fact is, there's no reason for you to think that he ever will be any different than he is today. In the situation you described where he said he "just wasn't sure" whether he wanted to be in this relationship or not, then becoming angry that you'd "give up" when you suggested ending it, what I get from that is he doesn't want to make a decision, but wants you to be satisfied with what there is. He doesn't want to change and he doesn't want to end it, but he wants you to be happy with it the way it is, and if you're not, you're to blame for "giving up". That's a cop out on his part, and that's pretty immature, irresponsible on his part.


I guess I'm leaning more towards "this isn't going to work", based on what you've said, and I'm leaning more towards "you're already gone" than needing time to rebuild, but you're in it, not me, you know which it is. I will say that there's no reason he can't continue counseling without you. If he wants to find out the whys and whats, he can do that on his own. I see no problem telling him to check in with you after he figures it out but until then you're planning to move on. I seems to me you've spent a lot of time waiting for him to be what you want, I think maybe you've grown so tired of waiting that you've moved on emotionally, and you probably resent all the waiting you've done.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:56pm

Hi,

Thanks for your input. I think I'm feeling pretty conflicted about things ... I have moved on in a way, emotionally, just to protect myself. But this past weekend, I decided to not try to talk to him about the relationship and just try to enjoy spending time with him. And we ended up having a good weekend, joking around, etc. He really seems most comfortable when we're not talking about the relationship (duh!) and for once, I didn't get upset or frustrated at him. I think I want to see whether the counseling provides any revelations for us. We had our individual sessions this week and the counselor asked me if I was ok with being patient a little while longer, since it's obvious that my bf shuts down when he feels any kind of pressure. I said ok, but I am also looking forward to resolving this one way or another. I have never wanted to change him or force him to do something that he doesn't want to do. However, the fact that he won't let me go makes it difficult for me to walk away completely and I want to see if he can realize that if he truly isn't ready to say that he sees a future for us, then he can't have it both ways. Of course, I want him to at least be able to try to compromise so that we can start working toward a future together. I DO feel like I've been very patient with him. At least I am less angry now, and willing to see whether the counseling illuminates the situation for us, or at least allows us to understand each other better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 2:19pm

I just read your posts and it sounds so eerily similar to my situation that I had to write and let you know you aren't alone.

The one big difference in my situation is that we actually did break up back in June but we continued seeing eachother just as though we were still going out. My bf is also sending me mixed messages and thats why I'm having such a hard time just walking away from everything.

We have been together 2 years also and we broke up in June because we were having a hard time discussing the "having kids someday" issue. I don't want them for another 3-5 years, but this is important enough to me that I want to get this resolved someday soon rather than just marrying eachother and then trying to figure it out. He agreed that thats what we should do yet he doesn't seem to ever want to talk about it. He still is very much up in the air about whether he wants them someday or not and I guess that's why I stay. I know that I do want them and I'm hoping he will eventually too. All I have ever wanted is for us to be able to discuss the issue and possibly seek counseling about it.

Another thing is, lately he seems very uncertain about what he wants from our relationship. Sometimes I'm not even sure he wants to be with me at all even though he says he does. He has been pulling away from me a little and we see eachother less often which has been difficult However, when we do see eachother we have an awesome time together provided we don't talk about the releationship. Similar to your bf he has a very hard time under pressure he tends to close up.

I'm trying to be patient with him because he keeps telling me he just needs time to figure out what he wants, but its been 3 months and we still aren't officially back together nor have we gone to counseling even though he said he would.

Every time I've thought about leaving him for good he begs me to stay and tells me how he wants to be with me, and that he just needs more time. It is so emotionally frustrating. I love him very much but at the same time, I can't keep doing this limbo thing either. I gave him a 2 month timeline to decide wether he wants to get back together and try and make this work. I don't like giving ultimatums, but I feel like he will keep me hanging on forever if I don't. The timeline is more for me than him though. Sadly, the deadline is fast approching at the end of October and I still feel as though he is pulling me in two directions. Some of the things he says makes me think that I should just move on, but its so hard when he begs me not to. I just don't get it.

I guess I don't really have much for advise as I'm kinda in the same boat. What you need to figure out is what you need from the relationship. If he seems unwilling to do that and you don't think counseling will help, maybe it is time to part ways. But, if you think there is a chance of working it out though counseling it doesn't hurt to try it a little longer. Only you can decide when you've had enough and your heart just isn't in it anymore. Best of luck to you. I hope everything work out for you.

Jen

Pages