when do you decide it's time to move on?
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| Thu, 09-21-2006 - 3:27pm |
Hi,
I've posted a couple message on this board about my situation. Long story short, I've been with my bf for over two years, he seems to exhibit the qualities of a commitment phobic man, but yet still wants to be in this relationship. Just with no promises of a future for me. I'll be 35 next month, and I have to admit, I feel some urgency to resolve this. We went to our first counseling session yesterday, and although I feel it's a good start, I realize that it will take several sessions before we gain any clarity on the situation. I initiated a "break" for the month of August and as a result, even though we have decided to try to make the relationship work, there is now distance between us and I feel like I'm emotionally disconnecting from him. One of our issues is that he needs his space, so I've decided to give it to him, but it's as if we've taken several steps backward in our relationship.
We have some history in that we met and were close friends 10 years ago. He had feelings for me back then, but I didn't feel the same way. The counselor was trying to explore how much of his hurt from the past is affecting how he feels now. Anyway, she said that we shouldn't leave any stone unturned bc of our history and her role is as an advocate of the relationship. Do you think I should just stick it out through the counseling (for at least another month), or cut my losses now and move on?

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Something you said really bothered me though, you said, "However, the fact that he won't let me go makes it difficult for me to walk away..." Run, he can't stop you from leaving if you want to, he has no choice in letting you go, that's your decision regardless of how he feels, not his. Say "that's it", walk away, and refuse contact and it's done. You are in control of this, not him. Usually when I hear statements like that it's a cop-out, it gives the girl an excuse to stay in a situation without taking responsibility for doing so. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but it's something to think about. Give yourself the power over your own life and decisions that you really have - always, in all things.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
cl-2nd_life,
Thanks for the reply. As I said in my post, the deadline is more for me than him. I did tell him that he needs to decide wether he wants to be with me or not. But what I didn't say in my post is that I also told him that if I didn't see any improvement in his actions and if he isn't acting like he wants to be in this I would walk away. Its hard to convey everything in one message on the board. I do feel like I have the upper hand in this and he does know that, but I did also give him the chance to tell me what he wants too. I have told myself over and over that I need to be strong and do what is right for me and when it comes down to it at the end of this month if things aren't looking up I am moving on. Its really hard to walk away when you've invested so much in a relationship and still very much care for the person. I just hope I can listen to my inner voice and follow through if thats the way it turns out.
I admit that the last few months I've been weak and let him have all the control and thats something I wanted to stop so thats why the deadline for myself.
Just wanted to clear all of that up.
Thanks for your continued support.
Jen
Jen, it may not seem like it, but
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You have only had one counseling session so I would say stick it out for a while yet (no less than 6 - 8 sessions, but the more the better). On the other side, it almost sounds as if you've already given up. You really need to search yourself and decide if you even want this to work anymore. Perhaps a session with just you and the counselor to explore if it's even worth going on. There is a difference between going to a counselor and truly being committed to finding the problem and seeing if it can be fixed and just going to a counselor to say you gave it one last try. Counseling only helps if both parties truly want to find resolution. Search your true feelings about the relationship and if it is what you really want then stop focusing on how long it may take to get to the goal and focus on the path you are currently walking on to get there.
I hope that made sense and helped some. Good luck.
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