When to draw the line

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2014
When to draw the line
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 10:36am

My fiance and I have been together 13 years off and on (2 years straight off).  He proposed to me in 2001 I said yes but ended up getting cold feet.  When we split we both got married.  We have been through so much together from his dad dieing when we first got together to my medical issues and very dysfunctional family.  After I had surgery, he waited on me had and foot.  I really believe he loves me but I also really believe he is cheating on me. We have had sex once since last April.  Due to financial issues we had to move to seperate homes then.  He swears he isnt and he wants to get married but my feelings are strong that he is.  I love him to death and only want to be with him.  BUT I don't want to be an option to him.  He says we don't have sex because he just doesn't get "that feeling" anymore (he is 40 and I am 30). He thinks it is a medical issue.  I told him I would never leave him but I want a relationship where I am loved and am the only one.  I want to be the one that makes him happy, I want to be good enough for him.  It would be extremely hard but I could go on with out him I just really, really don't want to.  I don't know what to do.  Do I believe him? Do I go with my instinct which has been wrong about things before?  Everything I do is for him and our kids. He wants to get married this Halloween but I don't think I can with the feelings I have of him cheating. I believe marriage is forever.  My first marriage ended because it was toxic and he ended up leaving state.  If I get married again there won't be a divorce.  I am just so lost and confused on what to do and what to believe.  I have no solid proof he is cheating....just feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:01am

You are only 30 yrs old--why would you consider marrying a guy who says that he doesn't have sexual feelings any more?  by the way it seems to me that 40 is kind of young for that but if it's true that there is some medical reason that he is not able to have sex, what is he doing about it?  From what I think (and not being a man), I believe that men who have ED have the feelings but can't function--it's not like they don't want to have sex.  Also, you said that there is no proof (other than no sex) that your BF is cheating--that is a red flag to me right there.  Are you always suspicious with no reason?  What is it that makes you think that he's cheating?  If you really think he is a cheater, then why would you consider getting married?  That doesn't make sense.

A couple of other things that I picked up on--you said you want to be "good enough for him."  Why do you feel that way?  How about looking for a man who is good enough for you?  Not in a conceited way but you want a man who will be a good husband for you--why do you believe you aren't good enough?  And it's not your job to make someone happy--either someone is happy or not--it's his job to make himself happy.  No one should depend on their happiness through someone else.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 11:13am

  There are many reasons for this.  I strongly suggest he have a complete physical(with hormone work-ups)  Then perhaps a theripist who is experiened and comfortable with sexual matters.    What would you like to see happen?  There are medical issues and psychological issues that inhibit men from seeking sex.  performance anexiety,blood flow ,low testosterone,ED, low body image etc.  The myth that men are "always ready is just that a myth.  It makes it worse as many men do not want to tlk about it.      The first step is to get medical opinions it would that the theripist is an MD as well.    You have been together for a long time.

   Financial issues can be devistting to many males as they are conditioned to be "providers" and losing such can do harm to their self idenity.  Add a medical problem and you get avoidance behavior.     Are those financial issues being solved?   I suggest you think about your expectations too.  Some of this seems a bit strange.  Usually people come together to solve financial issues. 

  You mention kids.  What is that story?

  In summation get help.  It would  be a shame to let things that can be fixed get in the way.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 12:10pm

First and foremost you mentioned "our kids".  Do you two have children together?  Secondly, you don't trust him......and if it's only because he's lost interest in sex, you might be jumping to conclusions.  Men who cheat can still have sex at home......I had a cheating husband for many years, he still wanted sex from me.  As the other poster mentions, it COULD be a physical problem, but only a good checkup can tell you that.  Also, if you truly believe he's cheating, then why would you even consider marrying him?  You have to live apart because of "financial issues"?  How is getting married going to change that?  You say you "want to be good enough for him".......and why would you think you're NOT?  Men cheat on good women all the time.  You don't even know if he IS cheating......but the lack of trust is there.  If you don't trust someone, you don't marry them.  Last but not least, out of 13 years, you spent two years apart........when you got back together did you solve the problem(s) that broke you up in the first place?  Do you really love him, or do you fear he's your "last chance"?  I think it's that.  There's no sex, and you don't trust him....but you're thinking of marrying him?  That's desperation, not love.  Are they his children, and is he supporting them financially?  Probably not if you can't even live together.  This sounds like a disaster in the making. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 02-23-2014 - 2:07am

Hi Bamz0513 ~

Like the others, I agree there's a lot missing in your story that would be helpful to know.  Beyond that, I pretty much agree with Musiclover12.  If he he no longer has sexual desire, what's he doing about it?  Has he seen a doctor?  Many things can cause this, from medical problems to hormone and other levels being off, psychological reasons can be the cause as well.  But without seeking help he has zero chance of resolving it.  If he's not seeking help for the problem, why would you consider tying yourself to him?  Your thoughts on staying with him no matter what, wanting to make him happy, etc. are red flags that you may be still affected by your dysfunctional upbringing and it would be helpful for you to see a therapist to take a look at getting yourself as healthy as you can so that you can make the best choices for you and your children. 

I understand you don't have solid proof of cheating but I'd like to hear what it is that's causing you to suspect it.  Often, those outside a situation can offer good solid thoughts on what you're seeing that causes suspicion.  Also, what other things has your gut been wrong on in the past?

I would strongly urge you NOT to marry anyone that you have any reservations about.  Moving forward with reservations is a huge mistake.  Wait until your concerns are confirmed or until you feel certain that the issues are resolved and you can feel that marrying is absolutely the right thing to do.  

Hoping you'll come back and give us more input. 

~ cl-2nd_life