When is enough, enough?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
When is enough, enough?
5
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:36pm

Hi All,

I have been lurking around iVillage for a long time, it's kinda rare that I ever post. This is pretty long and probably typical from what I have seen here. My BF and I have been together for nearly 3 1/2 years and have lived together now for just over a year. We have a pretty great relationship, we don't argue - if we do disagree it's never a blow out. He has never raised his voice or anything to me. We laugh and have a great time together. We are totally comfortable with each other in everyway. My parents think he is the greatest and his family loves me. Everyone who meets us thinks that we are just the greatest couple.

Now, for the real reason I'm even posting. My BF has pretty recently (around christmas) told me he doesn't know if he wants to get married. And if he does, he said he doesn't want it to be anytime soon (no definite time of when later might be). He says he doesn't want to take the chance, his parents got divorced when he was a kid and they are still pretty bitter about it. He has also said that he wants to get promoted at work before even thinking about it. This breaks my heart. I have told him, we are nothing like his parents - that our relationship is built on nearly 2 years of friendship and trust before we even became a couple in 2003. I also feel that a job, especially with the economy now, is not a surefire thing to base a life around. His company (or any company) could go up in smoke tomorrow, but I would still be here for him. I dont want to base the milestones of our life together on his career, I want to move through them together.

I love him so incredibly much, I can't see myself with anyone but him. So many of our friends are now married or engaged to be married, and it just hurts to see nearly everyone around us be so happy about commiting to their true love, and my BF just isn't interested. I don't want to pressure him or give him an ultimatum about us. I know that he does love me and that he cares about me very much. We are still young (23 and 24) so I wouldn't even want us to get married right away. I would be fine with a long (say, 2 year engagement). But I still want that commitment from him, that he wants me to be his forever and for him to be mine.

We were at a wedding this weekend, and it was so beautiful. I couldn't help but sit there next to him and feel like my heart was just breaking, knowing that he doesn't want that same happiness for us. I was able to put my feelings aside, because that day was not about me or us. But that feeling of heart sick just hasn't gone away.

I've told him that I don't want to just be his live in girlfriend, and I've suggested that maybe when our lease is up in October we should consider getting separate places. But truthfully, I don't want to do that, I love living with him, I love him... And I do love him enough that I would stay with him until he decided that he was ready. At the same time, I worry that I'll be staying long enough for him to realize he'll never be ready...

I just feel so upset about the whole situation. I am in this relationship that seems practically perfect, but when in comes to the biggest issue, I hate that we aren't seeing eye to eye. I try not to bring it up because it is no use, he has nothing to say about it. He is the type of guy that if I were to bring it up over and over, it would just back him in to a corner and he'd be even more stubborn about it.

He has said before, that if I keep asking and asking about it then he isn't going to be able to suprise me. But I told him, I don't want to be suprised - that we've done everything as a team, a partnership, I wouldn't want this to be any different...

Here is the real kicker, he is taking me to Mexico for my birthday in 6 weeks. And, I am trying really hard to be set myself up to be expecting anything, but I can't help it. Now, I just hope that if he doesn't propose there, that I won't be disappointed. I really want it just to be a great trip, but I really really want him to pop the question.

Ugh, I am so mixed up about all of this, I just don't have a clue as to what I should do.

Any suggestions??

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:00am

You are trying really hard to convince yourself that he wants to propose, even though everything he's said and done indicates the opposite.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 12:11am

Welcome to the board, Btrflyjaj ~ If the statement about waiting for marriage, perhaps a very long time isn't anything new for your boyfriend, I'd say you'd be wise to expect that it will be a very long time. Obviously, no one can know whether he's planning to propose while you're on vacation or not. You know what's typical of him, you know if this is the kind of thing you could expect from him or not. I think you're going overboard in what you're hearing from him. About the wedding you attended last weekend, you said, "I couldn't help but sit there next to him and feel like my heart was just breaking, knowing that he doesn't want that same happiness for us.", but that's not true, he simply said he doesn't want that right now.


You have to decide what you want for your life. If engagement is something you need to have right now, then he's not the guy for you. If you're willing to wait for that engagement (based on what you've said you have no reason to doubt that it's coming), then wait. The catch is you have to be willing to happily accept waiting, pushing, wishing, being dissatisfied will get you nothing but frustrated and cause problems in your relationship. You can't force him to want to make a commitment he's not ready to make, and you wouldn't like it much of you got a commitment that way. If you need it now, there's nothing wrong with that, no more than there's anything wrong with him not wanting that now, it's simply two different people who are ready for very different things in their lives.


I know you've said you don't want marriage soon, but you need to know that as sure and settled as you feel at this point, you aren't done maturing yet and you both have many changes yet to come. What's absolutely right for you now (and at 20) may well be not at all right for you a few years down the road. In that light, holding off is not a bad thing to do.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 4:39am

"He has also said that he wants to get promoted at work before even thinking about it."

This is a very common feeling among men--they often want to achieve certain goals in their careers before making plans for marriage.

"I . . . feel that a job, especially with the economy now, is not a surefire thing to base a life around. His company (or any company) could go up in smoke tomorrow . . . ."

It is true that anything could happen between now and whenever: economic collapse, political upheaval, geological cataclysm, anything. He can't build a career on maybe, however. He has to start where he is and head in the direction he wants to go to reach the goal he's trying to achieve. Although you can be supportive, that's a journey you cannot take with him.

"I dont want to base the milestones of our life together on his career, I want to move through them together."

It's very possible that he can't afford to base the milestones of his career on your life together, that he wants the space to focus on what he's doing in the quarter of his life that provides the wherewithal to support the rest. Not only are the two of you young in years, he's also young in his job. His bosses have expectations about his performance, and are watching to see if he achieves them. That's where his focus is right now, and he's telling you (although you're blowing it off) that until he reaches that first important milestone, he's not going to feel comfortable making a committment to your future together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 9:56am

So before Christmas was he talking about marriage??? Has he talked about being married and having children someday.....this is a point in time, what have his views on this been over time. Sometimes men just say things to "test drive them" when they are not sure and he might be doing that. He is still awful young and very probably does not really know what he wants. Taking you on a nice vacation for your bday is a pretty good gift, sounds like he is still pretty invested. Does he generally care about you....I mean listen to you and try to meet your needs or is the relationship one sided?

There is a possibility that he is just setting you up so he can suprise you. He could have decided around Christmas and then decided to try to fake you out so that you really will be suprised. Does he have the kind of personality where he likes to tease you? Has he taken a lot of pleasur ein suprising you with gifts in the past?

I don't think the work promotion thing is legitimate. I don't know any men who have said that and meant it. I know lots of women who have said this....want to have my career established before marriage, want to get to a certain level before children, etc. Many women see their career ebbing and flowing based on life circumstances like marriage and family, most men view it as a straight continuum. If he really loved you and wanted to be married this would not be an issue.

Generally when a guy says he doesn't want to get married you need to listen to him.....he is not making it up and probably what he is really saying is he doesn't want to marry you, but he is still awful young (if he was over 30 this would have been my take).

I guess my advice is that the Bday trip is only 6 weeks away, try to relax and have a good time....maybe you will get a suprise but don't plan on it. If he doesn't propose then you need to start thinking seriously what you want in your life (and why), in what timeframe, and whether he fits the plan. In a very non-confrontational way ask him about what his hopes and dreams are for the future, if he is honest this should tell you some things (don't do this in the context of a discussion where you are pressuring him about marriage).

Best of luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:03pm

btrflyjaj,


<<He has also said that he wants to get promoted at work before even thinking about it.>>


At 24, I wouldn't doubt that he would want to be more established at his job. That way he knew that he really could provide for a wife and/or children. If this is not just part of an excuse to help further feed his not wanting to get married and he really does want to be more established, he should not have to throw out that goal because you want something. If those are his goals, you need to respect and support that.


<>>


Again, if those are his goals then he shouldn't have to give them up, just because you want something and can‘t wait for it. No matter how silly you "feel" they are. Wives don't push and pick apart their husbands thoughts, feelings and goals because it's not how they feel.


<>


Just because your friends are all getting married or engaged doesn’t mean that you two automatically have to right now to fit in. You shouldn’t base your relationship off of what other’s are doing. Getting married is a huge deal and not something that should be entered in so lightly because that’s what everyone is doing.


<<We are still young (23 and 24) so I wouldn't even want us to get married right away. I would be fine with a long (say, 2 year engagement). But I still want that commitment from him, that he wants me to be his forever and for him to be mine.>>

A ring does not mean “forever commitment” and having one doesn’t mean that either. A forever commitment is something that is in your hearts and you two share. I’m sorry, but whenever I hear this (and no offence but it’s usually out of young girls mouths) I have to laugh. It only makes me think that it’s just an excuse to cover up the reason that you just want the ring, the planning, the wedding and the attention. I say this because a marriage is so much more then you think it is right now and the fact that you have mentioned the fact that your friends are all married or engaged and you feel left out.

Defleppardgal