When Friends Matter More

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
When Friends Matter More
11
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:45pm

What do you do when your boyfriend, significant other chooses his friends over you? My boyfriend lives in a house with his brother. They have converted their garage into a bar/rec room with a pool table, tv, video games and beer cooler. My issue is that it seems to be the only place my boyfriend is ever happy. He is constantly sitting in that room, drinking beer, smoking and playing pool or hanging out with his friends. We've fought countless times over him not coming to my place. He finally started coming to my place more after I pitched a fit several times but then sat and acted irritated and annoyed while he was there.

This past weekend he had to work and I purposefully didn't go to his house. Well, he didn't come to my place Saturday or Sunday (I was at his place friday) so we didn't see each other and then yesterday asked me to come to his. I told him I didn't get out of work until 9:00 that night, I had an hour drive home and then I would have to pack a bag and then drive to his place which is 40 minutes away only to get back up in the morning at 8:30 to go back to work not to mention his brother would also be getting up at the same time so we would both be needing the bathroom. I told my boyfriend it'd be easiest if he just came to my house since he had the next day off. I was informed he wanted to relax and kick back so he'd have to think about it? I asked why he couldn't relax and kick back at my house and we got into another big fight where he informed me he is "bored" at my house. He said he comes over and we watch TV and then I fall asleep. Well, right now I am working 10 hour days and driving an hour to and from work so I'm pretty tired by the time the days done. I am not like him where I can stay up until 2 a.m. drinking and smoking and then get back up at 6 a.m. the next day for work. (He never has to get up earlier than 8:30 a.m. on his work schedule) I'm just getting really tired of this. I wonder if it is "boring" to sit at your girlfriends house watching TV and then going to bed during the week. I wonder if there aren't other guys out there that would pick me over sitting in a smoky garage with his buddies.

We are talking about buying a house together next year. I don't know why he would want to do that. He obviously does not enjoy spending time with me and finds me "boring". Why would he move out of his party house with his brother? Some advise here would be greatly appreciated. We've been together three years and I've never felt more hurt and disappointed then I do right now and he doesn't seem to understand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 4:18pm

Tiredofalwaysgiving, whatever you do, DON'T buy a house with him till this situation is resolved!

In the meantime, I think you have to take a step back from the relationship and look at it objectively. He's not fulfilling your needs and is very happy with his current lifestyle. And even when you throw a hissy fit, he still prefers to do what suits him.

I'd be fairly comfortable in suggesting that he has no intentions of changing his ways. So, the ball is now in your court. Can you accept him how he is? If not, it's time to move on and find someone who suits you better.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:11pm
I completely agree with iv_aisha -- do NOT move forward with this guy if you are so unhappy with the way things are now.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:49pm
I think most men need "Men time" my guy does the same thing with his friends I let him come by when he wants if he does not oh well more time for me and for my friends your guy is feeling bored but at the same time it sounds like he doesn't mind spending time with you but he wants to do it on his terms and his way so let him have fun with the boys soon he will be bored with them and want to spend more time with you that is what my guy does now for me good luck HUGSSSSSSSSSS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:18pm

"I think most men need "Men time" my guy does the same thing with his friends I let him come by when he wants if he does not oh well more time for me and for my friends your guy is feeling bored but at the same time it sounds like he doesn't mind spending time with you but he wants to do it on his terms and his way so let him have fun with the boys soon he will be bored with them and want to spend more time with you that is what my guy does now for me good luck HUGSSSSSSSSSS"

Really, I couldnt disagree more.
Firstly someone's boyfriend shouldnt just not "mind spending time" with her. He should be DYING TO DO SO!! I just dont understand relationships where two people who profess love to each other have to FORCE one another to spend time together. What exactly is this sort of "love"? Why should one person have to run after the other BEGGING them to spend time...?

Anyway, to the poster: If I were you I would evaluate the relationship for what it is. A good relationship should be one where you adore spending time together because it makes you happy. Especially if you are both working and have busy lives, you should cherish the weekends and any off time. At least, that is what a good relationship would be in my book. Why should you have to negotiate time-spending with your bf? If you love one another as PEOPLE, not just as sexual beings then shouldnt he actually WANT to spend time with you.? Share experiences together, watch movies and talk about them.. do a jigsaw puzzle together.. cook together..
If you are truly taken with another person then that person becomes the one you come home to.. to tell him or her about the thoughts that ran through your head through the day, and about the new things you learned, and about the new people you met. You shouldnt be coming home to the person when you need some action... kwim?
And THAT is what I think your bf is doing.
Hanging out with buddies is fine. But not the way he is doing it. In your case, the friends are his focus in life, and you are the one he goes to when he is bored. It should be the other way around.
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 1:32am
It sounds like you're tired from working so much and that may be what's behind your boyfriend saying being at your place is 'boring'; but.....


what I don't hear is any consideration. When he says he wants you to come to his place it's pretty clear that what he wants is the ability to play while appeasing you by having you there. That's further illustrated when you ask him to come to your place because you've been working long hours and are exhausted, and he "has to think about it". In other words, he has to decide whether it's worth it for him to miss out on playing to spend a boring night with you. I also don't hear him having any understanding or sympathy for your situation, and I don't hear him looking for some kind of compromise. He's not interested in coming to your place some of the time, and when he does, he makes it clear it's not where he wants to be. At this point, from what you've said, it seems that he's primarily interested in his entertainment and not so much being with you. If that's the case, I think he's telling you very clearly what his priorities are and what they aren't. He's more interested in playing that in being with you.


A couple of questions that could make a big difference to my answer and to my thinking. Do you see each other during the week or is it strictly on weekends? Do you spend (or expect to spend) every weekend together, or at least every weekend night together? Your answers to those questions could change a lot about what I'm thinking. I'll be checking back to see what you have to say ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 10:33am

The weekends are another issue. He is self-employed and works most weekends. He has every other Sunday off. The problem is that I work during the week while he has three days off and he works the weekends when I'm off. He's taken maybe 4-5 weekends off in the three years we've dated and we've always had an awesome time. We've gone canoeing, camping w/ my parents, out of state to visit friends, etc. It's when we are together during times like that when we are most happy together but those times are few and far between. My biggest issue with him is his constant need to be hanging out with his friends at his house. It seems to be more important to him than anything else. For example, a few week's ago I told him I wanted to do dinner and a movie on friday night when I got out of work. He said ok but when he got to my house to pick me up, he acted irritated and annoyed. I asked him several times if something was wrong, he kept saying No and finally told me to stop asking but it was obvious he was not happy. He barely spoke to me through dinner and we sat in near silence when we got back to my place. The following Sunday however, he was smiling, laughing, kissing me, happy as can be when we were at his house, doing what we usually do, drinking, playing pool and watching TV in his rec room with some of his friends.

I started noticing how differently he behaved after that. My house-quiet, frowning, yawning. His house-smiling, laughing, kissing. It's like two different people. This past friday we were going to go to dinner and then go get accessories for my new digital camera which he bought me for Valentine's Day (One good thing he did last week though I'd prefer he took a weekend off and spend quality time with me than anything else). By the time I got out of work though, I was exhausted and told him I'd rather just go grab dinner close by and relax. He then calls his friend and asks me if I care if he comes with us (as if I had a choice) and we sit at the restaurant with his friend (how cozy)and then come back to his place. Soon afterwards there are several more of his friends over, hanging out in his rec room, as usual, and I fell asleep in his living room. He was complaining this past week how I just fell asleep on him on friday night and how can I be mad at him for not spending time with me if I just fall asleep. I don't see how it even mattered that I fell asleep when he wasn't spending any time with me anyway. He was in his rec room with his buddies drinking and playing pool like he always does. I was exhausted from work and had no desire to sit and pretend like I wanted to be there. It'd be different if his friends weren't over nearly EVERY night during the week. I'd just like to spend some time with him doing nothing. What's wrong with him holding me while I fall sleep on the couch watching a movie? He knew I was so tired from the long work week.

Last night I asked him why he asked me to buy a house with him this year. I asked him how he thinks he would handle coming home to me every night and not his rec room and friends. He actually said he would probably go crazy and then laughed like he was joking. It broke my heart. I am so tired of being taken for granted. He always claims his undying love for me but wouldn't you want to spend time with the one you love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 12:16pm

Yes I would (and do) like to spend a lot of time with the one I love.

Your BF is being selfish, and like you said, taking you for granted. You wouldn't be posting on this board if you liked this treatment. So... you have to make a decision, cut him loose or live this way...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 6:04pm

HI tiredofalwaysgiving, your username says it all.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 8:48pm
How much of your off work time do you two spend together? Do you have lots of days/nights that you don't see each other? It sounds like you're really beat after work on a regular basis, is this a short term project that has you so tired or is it the way things always are?


Sorry to keep asking questions, but I don't want to make a decision that could be completely wrong if I understood the situation correctly.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:04am

Actually it is short term. I was renting a house with two other people and one of my roomates just up and moved out. I moved in there to save money because it was cheap rent when split between the three of us. Now I'm stuck paying $400 more a month to cover her share of the rent and bills until our lease is up in March. Well, when my work offered overtime I had to jump on it. I'm working 15 more hours a week and I have an hour drive to and from work. My overtime is actually ending next week so I'll be back on my normal schedule. My boyfriend is well aware of all of this. He is also aware of the stress I am under from being forced to pay nearly double my rent to save my credit. Before she moved out I was stressed because myself and my other roommate could not get along with her. She was the roommate from he**, eating my food, total slob, having parties on weeknights, screaming for the world to hear when she's having sex with the random guys she's invited over. I went through that nightmare and am now going through the nightmare of paying her bills until the lease is up and after that I'm going to go through the nightmare of taking her to court to get my money back. (her name is on the lease)

My other roommate has been out of town for work since December (she's still paying her rent) so I have the house to myself for now. He lives with his brother and another friend of theirs so we have much more privacy at my place. His excuse before my horrible roommate moved out was that she was there, when she left it was my other roommate, no she's gone and he's run out of excuses. Well, not really run out, his excuse now is that he's bored at my place. I prefer the other excuses because the bored excuse hurts me too much.

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