when he doesn't tell me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
when he doesn't tell me
15
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:27am
hi everyone. i'm new here. I'll review yours ASAP. anyone out there have any ideas about this? my boyfriend and i have been together 4 years. we have a 2 1/2 year old and i have three teenagers (19, 17, 14) from a previous marriage. we are in love and very happy. life's ups and downs and some challenges with the kids are for the most part routine. nothing major. the problem is this......... he doesn't tell me anything about anything. from the smallest to the most important. i am always finding things out from family or friends. many times it's very embarassing. i have asked him time and againto please just include me on what's going on, but to no avail. it's sooo frustrating to me. i always listen when he talks tho, so i don't get it. it's really starting to make me feel untrusting even tho i don't have anything to suspect. it's just that he "could" be hiding anything. he tells me he forgets or "just didn't think". he IS a smart guy. and i don't consider myself stupid. any ideas out there? sure hope so. thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 10:21am

He doesn't tell you the state of the budget? Or that he has a night out with the guys planned or what? Can you give us some examples? It would help....

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 1:20pm
I know you are probably pretty busy with all those kids, but maybe you could try to find a time when you are both free each day, where you can ask him, "Has anything happened today that I would want to know about?" If there are particular things that he forgets to tell you, then you can also ask him if there's been any news related to those. You can also try to work in questions about the things you want him to mention when you are just having a general conversation with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:47pm
thanx rosewater and silly for your responses. i know the budget. good grief, i better or else we'd be on the street. examples are for instance, that he stopped by or talked to a friend and found out that "so and so" had passed away. another, bought the baby a milkshake, tell me that his brother had an entertainment system they were giving away and wanted to know if we wanted it(they ended up selling it to a stranger), that his back hurts, that his mother had paid the rent(that's another story LOL), <<
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:53pm
ooops!!! forgot to add this--- if I ask a question or two, it always seems he takes it offensively. Which is odd don't you think, especially if there is nothing to hide. Like I said, even with the not so important stuff. It just is normal for me to ask questions tho, it makes for conversation right? And I've always been just me, nothing's changed. I'm just so discouraged. He is my best friend. I love him but I feel like we're moving apart because he won't talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:58pm

What about the dynamics of the relationship for the last 4 years.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 4:17pm
You said it perfectly!!!! I feel like I'm on the perimeter. that's exactly it. thank you for giving me the words. thank you. He has always been this way somewhat, but it seems more and more and more so. I have told him it hurts me. I believe that he doesn't want to hurt me. He is non-confrontational. That's ok, I don't want to fight. I just want to talk. If we have a conversation it can become tense when we have differing opinions. That's ok sometimes too. We don't have to agree on everything. So you see, if and when I ask questions, it seems to me like he feels that I am "questioning" him. I'm not. I'm just asking questions and trying to converse. There becomes a problem tho when that happens because he becomes defensive and I become more frustrated. Sometimes, (like now), I feel like maybe I shouldn't say anything either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 4:46pm

This is a very lonely place to live.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 6:09pm

"He is non-confrontational. That's ok, I don't want to fight. I just want to talk. If we have a conversation it can become tense when we have differing opinions. That's ok sometimes too. We don't have to agree on everything. So you see, if and when I ask questions, it seems to me like he feels that I am 'questioning' him. I'm not. I'm just asking questions and trying to converse. There becomes a problem tho when that happens because he becomes defensive and I become more frustrated. Sometimes, (like now), I feel like maybe I shouldn't say anything either."

This whole part I can actually really relate to. Sometimes, when my boyfriend and I are talking and a sensitive topic comes up, he gets this scared look as though he's thinking, "Here she goes again." Most of the time I was just asking a simple question, but then when he looks that way it gets me tense. I can't really blame him though since usually it's because I had questioned or criticized him about that topic in the past. I'm trying to work on that. When we're both calmed down later though we do talk about it, and he says he feels bad for getting scared of me.

My boyfriend is also very non-confrontational. He says arguments scare him. When he was a kid, his parents argued a lot, and then they got a divorce. He says now that makes him worry that if we're arguing, it means we'll break up. I've actually made a lot of headway with getting him to be non-confrontational. I told him about a study I read about which found that the couples who absolutely never argued at all were a lot more likely to be broken up two years later than those who just had occasional arguments. I've gotten him to see that if you AVOID discussing issues that also puts you at risk for breaking up. Now he actually makes himself bring up any topics of concern to me even when he worries about my reaction.

Anyway, I have heard several different people say that you need to be really careful about asking guys "why" questions if you want to avoid sounding like you're questioning them. If you ask why did this happen, or why did you that, then a lot of people will think that you're blaming them. It's best to try to avoid using the word "why" as much as you can. Maybe that will help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 12:48am
Maybe I just missed it, but I didn't see where you answered Dirextor's question about whether this not telling you has been a constant throughout your relationship, and if not, when did it come up? I'm also wondering about some things you said; you said of course you know about the budget or you'd be on the street, which sounds like he's not quite as responsible as you've let on that he is. You went on to say that his mother paid the rent and you didn't have any idea. ???? That doesn't sound like you are aware of the finances. These may seem like petty questions, but I think they're pretty important.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Thu, 09-28-2006 - 10:14am

good morning. how about I back up a little to help answer some of your questions.

He is 45. I am 43. He has never been married. I was married almost 20 years. we are both from large families. He is one of 7. I am one of 6. We are both middle siblings. We both come from average middle class families. His parents, from my understanding, never argued (at least not in front of the children). My parents had an occassional, but would always talk things out. It's funny though because I believe that you can disagree but it doesn't need to be an argument. To him, it seems (to me) that if you disagree, then you are agruing. so I am thinking that he avoids the conversations and sharing of information because we might have differing opinions or views.

To answer his mom paying the rent thing...We had moved from what had originally been "my" apartment in a rural community. We had lived there for about 3 years. Last year, we moved to our current address. The apartment we moved to is owned by his sister's BF. It has turned out to be a total total mess!!! the whole renting from family thing. He is a terrible landlord yadda yadda. Anyway, the apartment wasn't completed---such as unfinished electrical work, no smoke alarms, many different things. So "we" decided that we would finish and take care of these things ourselves. We took the cost off the rent. When still there were things to be completed, we again decided that we had done what we could do and that it was the landlord's responsibility to take care of them. We talked to him but no use. So "we" decided to withhold the rent. Of course this caused problems with the sister etc. So the mom said it wasn't right (blamed it on me) and paid the rent. My guy knew about it at the time but didn't tell me. It turns out that he felt that even though we had discussed it, he really felt that it was our responsibility to pay the rent. So he "let" her pay it. didn't tell me because he didn't want the confrontation. Let me tell you, there was one when I found out. And that time I did ask why. If he had felt that strongly about it, I told he that he should have come to me to discuss it. I got an apology and "I was wrong, sorry" That should be enough info now for you all. Well, at least for now. thanks again for all your help and ideas, and questions LOL

take care, laur

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