when he doesn't tell me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
when he doesn't tell me
15
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:27am
hi everyone. i'm new here. I'll review yours ASAP. anyone out there have any ideas about this? my boyfriend and i have been together 4 years. we have a 2 1/2 year old and i have three teenagers (19, 17, 14) from a previous marriage. we are in love and very happy. life's ups and downs and some challenges with the kids are for the most part routine. nothing major. the problem is this......... he doesn't tell me anything about anything. from the smallest to the most important. i am always finding things out from family or friends. many times it's very embarassing. i have asked him time and againto please just include me on what's going on, but to no avail. it's sooo frustrating to me. i always listen when he talks tho, so i don't get it. it's really starting to make me feel untrusting even tho i don't have anything to suspect. it's just that he "could" be hiding anything. he tells me he forgets or "just didn't think". he IS a smart guy. and i don't consider myself stupid. any ideas out there? sure hope so. thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 1:24am
Laur, it sounds like he's got a very distorted view of what a relationship should be, and perhaps some poor communication skills too. No one agrees all the time, simple disagreements can happen almost on a daily basis; if you can't communicate honestly you can't have a healthy relationship. IMO, that's the root of your problem, and until you resolve that, you won't have the kind of communication that you want and that is necessary for a healthy, stable relationship.


Would he go to couples counseling with you? I think that's the only place you're going to find any real help.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 9:48am
I agree that the communication is the key. Not sure if he'd be agreeable to counseling. Avoidance is the other issue. Like an ostrich--- stick your head in the sand and it will all go away kind of mentality. This weekend I plan to have a heart to heart and let him know my feelings and concerns. We're going to dinner and a show tonight so maybe that will be a good opportunity for some light conversation. He's not working this weekend so hopefully we can start moving in the right direction.
Take care all. Have a great weekend. laur
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 12:48am
It's all tied together, it all goes back to the same root issue, the belief that disagreement is arguing, the avoidance of issues that are going to cause problems (which are disagreements and arguments) and his pretending to agree with you about issues (rent in your post, but I'm sure there are many more instances, probably many you're not aware of) in order to keep from disagreeing (argument in his mind).


Talking to him is great, but you talking to him is not going to convince him that his way of thinking is incorrect, and you're not equipped or trained to help him work to get at the root of his issue and learn healthy ways of relating. That will take a professional - it will also take his willingness to make changes.


Have you realized too that by not being open and honest and not being agreeable to have an open honest relationship that he holds all the control? He chooses what's disclosed, what you know, how things are. Even in falsely agreeing he held control, he allowed it to happen. I'd guess your frustration is about more than simply being in the dark, it's that helpless, frustrated feeling that comes from having no control in a situation.


If I were having that talk this weekend, the talk would have to be about counseling, nothing short of that is going to help, IMO.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 8:37am

........so busy yesterday with kids' appointments that I didn't even get close to the computer.

Friday's dinner and show went well. Not so great after that. Though, I did express my concerns and frustration about our lack of communication. I told him that I do indeed, feel like I stand on the perimeter of his life lately., that his avoidance and lack of involvement with me is taking it's toll. I asked him about counseling, not a great response. Appologies, of course, but not agreeable to counseling. Some of the tension that I have been feeling is less now. I told him that if he chooses not to go to counseling, I still will. Though, I think that will only drive us further apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:12am
It sounds like he's not interested in changing, he's quite happy with his head in the sand, avoiding the issues. I think counseling is the right step, whether he joins you or not. You may just find some ways to draw him out.


Good luck ~







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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