When to meet his daughter ...??
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:31pm |
Hi ,
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post my message , but I didn't see a forum for dating a man with children .
I met a guy a couple of months ago and we have been out on a total of 5 dates . He is divorced and has a 6 ( almost 7 ) year old daughter. He has her every other week , for a week . He would like me to come over and spend time with both of them , and I feel it's too soon . I need some advice on this . When is a good time to meet her ... how soon is too soon ? I like him a lot , but I really don't know that he's the guy for me . I want to give it a chance though , and keep an open mind . If it didn't work out though , I would never want to hurt his daughter. I'm trying to think of her first and he seems a little upset that I won't come over while she's there. I am trying to do the right thing. I'd really appreciate some opinions, especially if you've been in the same position . Thanks so much !
Sandra

Coming from someone who is on the brink of breaking off a very serious relationship with someone who has children and I also have children, I would wait.
I was with this man for about a year and a half and we planned on spending the rest of our lives together...
I think when you know for sure you are very serious about this person and vice versa should you only then get involved with his children.
It's very sad to hear my kids asking for his son and I'm sure his son is doing the same. Not only this but the other night he said he loved me for the first time and here I am ending up someone he won't even know anymore.
I know I sound cynical, but please wait until you know for sure. It's hard enough to sever one relationship, let alone 2 or 3, or however many especially when it comes to children.
good luck.
I agree that it's too soon, and I also think it's a big red flag that he thinks it's a good idea for you to meet her so soon and is pressuring you. Doesn't he know how easily kids get attached? He should be looking out for his daughter's best interests, not pouting because it's inconvenient for you not to come over when she's there.
Stick to your guns, and don't meet her until you have a very good idea that the two of you are serious. I had a similar situation a few years ago and I kept putting off meeting his daughters because I wasn't sure we had a future together. After five months I ended it, and I was very glad to not hurt two vulnerable little girls in the process.
Sheri
sandralynn4,
I agree with the others that it's way too soon. Especially if you aren't sure how you are feeling about him yet. One thing that caught my attention about your post is the way you described his reaction. His daughter comes first and her feeling should be his top priority.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Hi Y'all ,
Thank you so much for the replies ... it helped a lot and confirmed what I was already thinking. I don't think he's upset in the way that he's angry at me or anything. He just seems to think it's okay to meet his daughter at this point and he's upset in the way that he thinks I won't share that with him yet. He has her for a week at a time and when I won't see him during that week ( because he's with her ), he misses me . I suggested to him today that maybe he could get a friend to look after her for a couple of hours one night and then he could come over for a bit . He doesn't want to do that because his time with her is precious , and I totally understand . I was just trying to find a solution . So I guess we just go a week without seeing each other . I'm not sure what else to do , and I'm not going to change my feelings about meeting her already . I see it as only 5 dates , but he seems to see it as - we've known each other for a couple of months now ( well, almost 3 I guess ) and we've talked on the phone a lot . He has strong feelings for me and thinks we should take it to the next level .
Thanks again and I always welcome more thoughts :)
Sandra
Just out of curiousity, how long has he been divorced? Would you be the first woman he's introduced to his daughter or has he intro'd others?
I think it's great and wonderful that you are so concerned about this little girl's feelings. That just speals volumes for your character.
I have never been in the situation, but I too feel that it's too early. I would think that a good time to meet her would be once the two of you have decided it time to get married. Then take the time before actually getting married to get to know her. Otherwise the risk of it not working out is too great. If it were my children, I wouldn't want to see them lose someone like that over and over.
---I had a best friend a couple of years ago who decided that I was a bad mom, person, etc and that my children were too much for her to be around (after 2 years of being around a goodly amount). I kicked her out of my life (like I needed someone like that polluting my life) and the pain it caused my oldest was VERY hard. It hurt me so much to see her ask where my friend was. I told her that she didn't like mommy anymore and she would then ask if my friend still liked her. I would tell her yes (just couldn't do that to someone so young) and so she'd ask why she couldn't still see her. It was heartbreaking. Granted, she was younger than his dd, but not by too much and this woman had been MY friend, not someone who came and played with my kids all the time or anything.
Jen
Ok...more red flags. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about taking things slowly. He sounds like he has an affliction many, many men have...a view of relationships that is based in fantasy and projection rather than reality. So you need to be the one to put the brakes on until you've spent a *whole* lot more time together, *in person*.
Sheri
I agree with everything that's been said here and agree with Shari (Northwestwanderer) that his attitude is a red flag. I also can attest to what Quirky's said, having made the same mistake she did in letting my children meet and ultimately get attached to boyfriends who I ended up eventually ending my relationship with. If you can imagine how children feel when someone whom they love and trust, someone who's an everyday part of their lives dies you'll have a good idea of how children react when their parent ends their relationship with a boy or girlfriend they've come to know. It's heartbreaking to watch as a parent and having seen it makes it all too clear how big a mistake it was to allow your children to become involved. Unfortunately, at that point it's also all to clear how much damage has been done to those children.
Until you're absolutely sure this relationship is something you believe is going to last (as in forever) you shouldn't have more than a very superficial, very, very infrequent contact with the children. At the three month mark you shouldn't even consider meeting them. Him having strong feelings at this stage is a very big red flag. No matter how well things have gone between you, at this stage he hardly knows you. The fact that he has strong feelings and wants to take it to the next level (exactly what is that next level, anyway?) says he's not making mature, rational choices and decisions for himself. When you consider that you don't really have enough information to truly know your boyfriend/girlfriend for close to a full year, three months and five dates is hardly even the beginning. To say you have strong feelings at that point is pretty premature.
Like Jen (Imasillynut) I'd be interested in knowing how long he's been divorced, and if it's been a while, I wonder how many girlfriends his poor daughter has already been through. Every time he ends a relationship with someone that his daughter's grown fond of he destroys more of her ability to attach to others, her ability to trust in relationships and her ability to have and maintain a lasting relationship herself as an adult.
You might also check with Dating as a Single Parent board on the Parenting and Pregnancy Channel for their views on the issue of you meeting his daughter.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"