when will things go back
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when will things go back
| Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:55pm |
Hi everyone,
Im new to the boards so this is my first. I need some advice to help me sort through what can be fixed and what is lost for good. I am only 19 years old and Ive been engaged for for the past 2 years. I had a boyfriend of two years when I met my now fiance, so therefore I broke it off with my ex. That caused ALOT of problems with my ex. My ex treated me horribly but it was one of those relationships that for God only knows why, it was so hard to break away. Needless to say when I started my relationship with my fiance I was carrying some emotional baggage. Anyway, my fiance did everything for me. Loved me with every bit of fiber he had in his body, the sex was incredible and so. We live together now but we went through a tough two years. My problem is though that now we barely have sex which used to be so important to him. I barely see him do sweet things for me anymore and we fight constantly. He'll say things that he knows cuts straight through the heart. ( I had a bad childhood) At first I thought that maybe its just the honeymoon stage is over but honestly its more than that. I have no idea how to fix this. I love him and he loves me but why is everything seem like such an effort anymore. A big problem we have is him watching porn. Do you know how many times i found it loaded it to the computer and hed throw it all on me and say he never even seen it before. Then back in August I went to NJ to see my grandmother before she passed away and when i came home i once again tons of porn of the computer. I got him to admit he downloaded but he claims he didnt look at it. Tell me why would you go through the trouble of d/l porn but then you dont watch it. I doubt that. And then about a month ago i was cleaning out his car and I found a porn magazine. Curious now I went through his work bag and I found about 15 porn magazines in there. He had to have spent almost 75.00 on them and you know what he said, im sorry i did buy them but i swear to god i did not even look at one of them. ( but yet there were pictures torn out and folded neatly in his little pockets.) Anymore the sex sucks and i dont know what to think. Does he not love me like he used to? Am i less attractive? I try to sit and talk with him but all i get is i love you with all my heart. Is it just to soon for us to be engaged? Are we not meant for each other? Or am I just looking to deeply at the past wishing for it to be the same
Sorry that this is so long and it probably makes no sense but it feels good to get it off my chest and out to women who might know what the hell to do.
Any advice or thoughts i'd appreciate. Thanks
Im new to the boards so this is my first. I need some advice to help me sort through what can be fixed and what is lost for good. I am only 19 years old and Ive been engaged for for the past 2 years. I had a boyfriend of two years when I met my now fiance, so therefore I broke it off with my ex. That caused ALOT of problems with my ex. My ex treated me horribly but it was one of those relationships that for God only knows why, it was so hard to break away. Needless to say when I started my relationship with my fiance I was carrying some emotional baggage. Anyway, my fiance did everything for me. Loved me with every bit of fiber he had in his body, the sex was incredible and so. We live together now but we went through a tough two years. My problem is though that now we barely have sex which used to be so important to him. I barely see him do sweet things for me anymore and we fight constantly. He'll say things that he knows cuts straight through the heart. ( I had a bad childhood) At first I thought that maybe its just the honeymoon stage is over but honestly its more than that. I have no idea how to fix this. I love him and he loves me but why is everything seem like such an effort anymore. A big problem we have is him watching porn. Do you know how many times i found it loaded it to the computer and hed throw it all on me and say he never even seen it before. Then back in August I went to NJ to see my grandmother before she passed away and when i came home i once again tons of porn of the computer. I got him to admit he downloaded but he claims he didnt look at it. Tell me why would you go through the trouble of d/l porn but then you dont watch it. I doubt that. And then about a month ago i was cleaning out his car and I found a porn magazine. Curious now I went through his work bag and I found about 15 porn magazines in there. He had to have spent almost 75.00 on them and you know what he said, im sorry i did buy them but i swear to god i did not even look at one of them. ( but yet there were pictures torn out and folded neatly in his little pockets.) Anymore the sex sucks and i dont know what to think. Does he not love me like he used to? Am i less attractive? I try to sit and talk with him but all i get is i love you with all my heart. Is it just to soon for us to be engaged? Are we not meant for each other? Or am I just looking to deeply at the past wishing for it to be the same
Sorry that this is so long and it probably makes no sense but it feels good to get it off my chest and out to women who might know what the hell to do.
Any advice or thoughts i'd appreciate. Thanks

I think you're with the wrong man - this relationship has red flags all over it.
The way I see it, the whole dating process is designed so that we can find "Mr Perfect". Someone who fits with us like pieces of a jigsaw. Trust me, if things aren't perfect now - they're going to be worse when you're married one day. People say things such as "relationships need to be worked on", but this refers only to marriage. If you're not yet married and there are big problems in the relationship relating to different morals and expectations - then consider it to be a red flag - or even a deal breaker.
You're only 19. There are lots of men out there for you to date yet :-) Go and have fun and don't settle with Mr Wrong.
Sara hunny,
Get out before its too late. Take the advice of so many of us that wish we could have found out way before we got so involved with marriage, kids etc. Hun, you have too much going for you to put up with that crap. Take it from me, the porn will NOT go away, its always going to be there and it will probably get worse. AND let me tell you, you will go through hell. It is not worth it. Please get out and find someone else who will treat you the way you should be treated. You are worth it!
When things don't seem to make sense, when you ask a question and his answer leaves a question mark in your head, it's not because you're stupid, it's not because you *can't* get it, it's not because he didn't explain it in a way that makes sense, it doesn't make sense to you because it doesn't make sense. In other words, he feeds you lines of bull that are completely and pathetically fake and you're struggling to make sense out of it because you want to believe him and you expect he'll be honest. What's happening is you're trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. Trust yourself and know that when it doesn't make sense it's because it's bull, not because you don't get it. Don't fall for his lame excuses and don't try to make explanations that are illogical make sense. You can't use rational thinking and logic to make sense out of something that's illogical.
Sarah, this is serious and yes, you need to get out now. Obviously, he's lying to you.
It's not you, it's him. It's not that you're unattractive, it's that he's addicted to the porn. It may be hard to do, but think of it as if the porn were drugs or alcohol, the fact that he keeps using isn't' because he thinks the drugs or alcohol are prettier, more attractive or sexier than you, it's because he's addicted to it. The same thing applies here.
Another thing you should know about addicts (any addict addicted to anything) they can be the most honest person in the world but they will lie to protect their addiction. They'll say and do anything to protect it. It's common, it's normal addict behavior.
He may someday get control over his addiction, but he'll have to want to make it stop, and that isn't the case right now. You have no way of knowing if that will ever happen, many people never reach a point that they want to stop their addiction, he may be one of those. Even if he does work to get control of his addiction, it will require months and months (at least) of hard work with a sex addict treatment provider, in a sex addict treatment program. There's no guarantee he'll be successful and even if he is it will be something he'll have to battle his whole life. He'll always be a sex addict, always, it will always be there.
Things won't go back, they'll never again be what they were. In readingy our post there are a lot of other things that could be causing problems too, but they don't really matter because the fact that you're dealing with a sex addict makes any other problem not worth looking at, fix 'em or not, you're still dealing with something that's just too big. Sweetie, you're 19, you're not married to him and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Tying yourself to a sex addict isn't the direction you should go. Please, move on now and avoid spending the rest of your life with a sex addict. It's not the kind of life anyone should have.
I know I've dumped a ton on you, what are your thoughts?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/18/2006 12:58 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Nice to see you again, Goddessladylu, how are things going for you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"