When's he gonna grow up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
When's he gonna grow up?
9
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:15am

Hello, I'm new to this board and I could sure use some advice.

First of all, I'm 28, my bf is 23. We've been together 10 months and overall we have a wonderful r'ship. He's my best friend, and we plan on getting married someday.

Here's where I have some issues with him. Yes, even though he's 5 years younger, for the most part it hasn't mattered. But over the last couple of months, I've been starting to think more about the future. First, I'd like us to move in together someday soon...and yes, get married and have kids in a few years. He's made it very clear he wants to get married, but I don't see him actually planning or working towards that goal. He still lives with his parents, so he has no responsibilities. I love his parents to death, and they love me. But geez do they spoil him. His mom works at the bank so she takes care of all his finances. She does his laundry, packs his lunch, etc. He has no bills beside his cell phone. So he's pretty much clear and free of any adult responisibilities besides his job.

I've talked to him about us moving in together. My roommate took a new job and is moving out in a few months. He says he'd like to live together, but doesn't think he can afford it (um, we make almost the same $). Basically what I get from it is he has fun with his parents, his mom does everything for him, plus it's free rent, so why would he move out? And no, it's not so he can save any money. He spends every paycheck on his other activities, softball/fishing/golf/DRINKING.

So this past few weeks I haven't said a word about him moving in. I'm looking for a cheap one bedroom apt and he can live at home and have no worries cause they take care of everything for him. What I don't understand is he knows where I stand, he knows I'm older and I want to start making plans. Why wouldn't he grow up a little? Why wouldn't his parents encourage him to move out, take care of himself, etc????

I don't want to break up with him, I love him very much. So what can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:41am

I know you don't want to break up with him, so my advice probably won't do you any good. But I feel I have to say it anyway.

Take a good look at what his mom does for him. Then imagine that YOU are the one doing ALL that she does for him, day in and day out. Then imagine that you are doing it for him AND the kids. That is what your life will be like with him. He may not need you to do it all now because his mom still is.

Now, in defense of your BF, he's 23. He doesn't need to grow up completely yet. But I can tell you, he is going to be one very needy and energy consuming husband.

Good luck.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:01am

Welcome back Kwhere ~ You








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:54pm

kwhere,

I know that at 28 you are thinking about marriage and kids. It's totally understandable. However, you have picked the wrong guy to do this with. He is only 23 years old.

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You know why his age hasn't mattered before?? Because it was never in coralation to getting married and having kids before. Not having issues with your BF about money, time, housework, is one thing, but having an issue about the future is another. Don't try to down play the fact that in reality.....on the BIG issue you aren't compitable.

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Yeah, because he's 23.

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Yeah, because he's 23.

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Yeah, because he's 23 and he's a mamma's boy.

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Yeah, because he's 23 and hasn't begun his adult life yet. Adult lives start when the baby bird flys away from the nest, makes it's own nest, lives it's little life and THEN invites another bird to stay with him. He needs to be out on his own before he even thinks about a wife and chidren.

<>

You have to remember here that you have had FIVE YEARS of personal and emotional growth that he has yet to have or experience. You have been out on your own, you have been out of high school for 10 years. You have had the experiences that we all get at 23, 24, 25, 26 and 27. He just got to legally drink only two years ago. He hasn't lived on his own and he doesn't have a life established that he would be able to provide for a wife and children. He knows this. You can't expect him to be on the same page as you even if he does say it. He could be saying it just to keep you happy and to quite bringing it up.

<>

Because he's 23 and right now he's not thinking like that. You don't have the right to make him and even if you don't agree and you still try you aren't going to be successful. He's telling you loud and clear what his take on the future is by not doing anything about it. He's got to get there on his own just like you did at that age. Can you honestly say that you are the same person you were at 23?? I know I can't.

Remember you have five more years of growing up and making a life. Don't deprive him of that same experience and adventure.

Best of luck,
Defleppardgal




Edited 5/25/2006 5:52 pm ET by defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:02pm

"I don't want to break up with him, I love him very much. So what can I do?"

If you really don't want to break up with him, you must accept him as he is, without expecting him to change anytime soon. You'll have to give him seven or so years to catch up with you, and considering what his life is like right now, it may never happen. Please be careful not to conceive with him, because the phrase "Step up to the plate" is one he only understands as part of playing softball.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:27pm

Don't have him move right from his parents house to yours.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:45am

Kwhere, I would really urge you to take a big step back and take a looong look at this situation. Try to see it logically, without letting what you want and what you hope get in the way.


First of all, I've got to tell you, he's been raised not having to do anything at all and he's still living that way; he's a mamma's boy and he's always going to expect things to be done for him. He may never want to leave his parent's home (many mamma's boys never do), why would he? As long as he stays he's got a free and easy ride! Actually, most people his age (younger, really) would want to leave; they'd want to get out on their own, be independent, make their own choices, be responsible for themselves. But, he's not wanting that, and that's a big red warning flag.


You say you want him to be independent, then talk about having him move in with you. He isn't going to learn independence living with you or anyone else. He needs to stand on his own two feet, all by himself, making his own decisions, being solely responsible for himself and everything in his life in order to be independent; and he needs to live that way for a good long time before he moves in with anyone. I think you really know that, don't you?


You mention what he spends his money on, and accentuate the word "drinking". Does he drink a lot? Do you disapprove of the amount he drinks or the frequency of his drinking? Why did you emphasize the word? If you disapprove or dislike either the amount he drinks or how often he drinks, that's another huge red warning flag.


You're ready for the next phase in your life, marriage, children, etc. and you want him to be ready too. But clearly, he's not. You know that, right? He's not responsible, he's not independent, he's not a responsible person. He's not ready to take care of himself, he's absolutely not ready to be take on a responsible position like husband or father.


As you've already been told here, he's not where you are, he's 23. If he's who you want (and I'm not so sure he really is), give him five years to catch up to you. He'll need more years than you since he's getting a slower start, he's still being a child at home, he hasn't begun to transition into adulthood yet. And, as was also mentioned here, he may never make that transition.


The bottom line is you can't expect change, you can only expect him to be who he is today. Your only sure thing is that this is who he is and who he will be. If he's not right for you as he is right now, he's not right for you, period.


Something you may not have thought about is that the way he's living isn't just his situation, it's his character. It tells you who he is, what his choices are, what his beliefs are. This will be who he is always. Character doesn't change. Beliefs don't change. He's showing you very plainly who he is; believe him. He may be a great best friend and a fun date and boyfriend, but partner material, he's not.


I can tell you this. If you ignore our warnings, move him in or marry him and have a baby with him, you'll soon find that you're raising two children, him and your infant. I suspect you want a partner not a child, and really, I'm wondering why an independent, responsible adult woman would be interested in a man who is anything but a responsible or independent? You deserve an equal, a partner; why would you be interested in anything less?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 5:52am

I very much agree with most of what has been written so far. It sounds like this guy is very happy with how his life is at present and has no intention of changing things anytimes soon.

However, I disagree that a man who still lives at home and is cared for by his mother will automatically expect the caring role to transition to his wife. I also disagree that he needs to life by himself to learn life skills. My first husband learned them alongside me as soon as we were first married.

My first husband did not leave home till he was about 25 (when we got married). He moved straight from his mother to me. His mother did all his cooking and cleaning - and never expected him to lift a finger. But when he moved in with me, he automatically stepped up to the plate and started doing 50% of the housework with me. He never needed me to remind him to help. We also had a mortage and all the other responsibilities in life to handle. We simply learned how to do them together.

It's really only modern thinking (and people being far older when they marry) that has us frequently living alone before marriage. Historically, it was quite normal to go from parental home straight to married life with all the responsibilities. And I'm sure most of us managed it quite well.

I'm sure that there are a number of men (and women!) who don't ever learn to do their fair share of domestics and responsibility. But there are men that can make the transition from dependant son to responsible husband without issue.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 6:41am

You're right, Aisha, my son and his wife also learned to live as adults side by side after they married. I don't think my son was as coddled as the OP's boyfriend, however--I never had the time to do all those things, so my kids had to be pretty independent even when they were still living at home. They regularly cooked, cleaned, did laundry, and were responsible for maintaining their own schedules. I didn't get them up in the morning or make heir doctor and dentist appointments.

I guess what it comes down to whether the OP's boyfriend is a man of good will, who is willing to learn to shoulder his part of the living-together burden, or if he's going to expect her to care for him as his mother has been doing. We can't tell for sure about any of that. What we CAN tell, however, is that his life to this point has been self indulgent, that he has been willing for the OP to have a baby without benefit of marriage, and that he really, really doesn't want to get married right now. On the basis of these observations, I think the OP needs to plan to hunker down for a bit and wait for him to put on some maturity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 12:03am

Of course, no one statement is going to be true across the board, and yes, I should have tempered my answer, but I didn't put the disclaimer in because IMO the situation didn't warrant it. His mom works at the bank so she takes care of all his finances. She does his laundry, packs his lunch, etc. He has no bills beside his cell phone. He spends every paycheck on his other activities, softball/fishing/golf/drinking. She's suggested moving in together, but he made excuses why he doesn't think it'll work and hasn't mentioned it since (seems a clear indication that he's not really interested). Add to that the fact that the OP gets from it is he has fun with his parents, his mom does everything for him, plus it's free rent.


Aisha, I don't know what environment your ex grew up in, but I assume you didn't have to drag him out of his parents house and Geo, you indicate that you made sure your son was responsible before he left, there was no free ride. Considering the fact that what he OP describes is exactly the behavior we see in mammas boys that never change and adding to that the fact that this guy pretty clearly isn't interested in changing his situation seems to give every indication that he fits right into that mammas boy category; and because of that I think it's ill advised to suggest this isn't a serious situation.


I also think that the fact that the OP alluded to the possibility of a drinking problems but has chosen not to clarify her indication is a big indicator of another very serious problem that points to this being anything but a good or healthy situation to be in.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 5/29/2006 11:16 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"