Where did the sex part go?
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| Sun, 09-17-2006 - 12:57pm |
I am 23, I am married. I have been married for 2 and a half years. I have a 2 year old daughter. I have a WONDERFUL husband. But, we don't have sex.
Now, our relationship is honest, open and beautiful. We love each other do death. We are in love with each other and we have a very good understanding of how our lifes and personalities are.
We used to have sex all the time. You know how it is. Then I got pregnant, right after we got married. I had a terrible pregnancy, which forced me to leave work and spend most of my pregnancy on bedrest, which caused me to put on weight, become depressed, moody...all of that.
After I had my daughter, I had post natal depression, which made me unbelivably moody, emotional and hard to deal with. I struggled with my weight. At that stage I was about 260lbs.
In between all this, Brian and I were not really having sex. Every now and then we would. I put it down to me being tired and the weight and having the baby belly and all that.
Last November we moved to Texas. I was feeling much better. We both had good new jobs, I was focusing on loosing weight and we had a new life and home to live in. But... we never got the spark back.
As I said. We love each other, we adore each other and our daughter. And I find him very attracive and sexy. But, you know... for example. Sitting down watching TV, I would rather just relax and watch the TV! The thought of putting all that effort in for sex and sweat and all that it too much... plus the fact that when we DO have sex now... it is so boring and routine. Like, we are just having sex for the sake of having sex, you know?
Now, I have done everything I could up until this point to spice things up. I have role played, dressed up, dirty talked... you name it. He on the other hand... he is very low key and doesn't really bother. he is not very romantic and has a very 'whatever' attitude about everything.
I just dont know if this is normal and I would like to have a good sexual relationship again with my husband. I just dont want to be the only one involved in getting it back and I also don't want to have to hound him to care (because he won't... as I said... VERY laid back... about EVERYTHING). So... I guess I am just... stuck...
Rachel

I think it's quite common for the sex drive to decline after you've been together for a few years and especially when you have a young child together. As long as both people are comfortable with the situation, there is nothing which says that you have to frequent sex or great sex to have a happy marriage. It sounds though like you would like to have some more sexual passion in your marriage, and there is nothing wrong with that. It may be unrealistic to expect your sex drive as high as it was when you first dating. (Most people's bodies are designed to get more turned on when they're in a new relationship.) However, you can always reignite some passion.
I know you've said you don't want to hound your husband, but have you tried talking to him about it and letting him know this is something that would mean a lot to you? If that doesn't work, there is a book about marriage out there called, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman which explains how and why different areas of a relationship are important to people. One of the areas it covers is sex and physical contact and why it is so important to some people. Maybe if you can get your husband to read that book, it will help get the message across to him that this is something you'd really like him to work on. I hope that is able to help you out.
Rachel, welcome to the world of motherhood! I remember when my friends and I had 2yo's and we would joke about our second children being immaculate conceptions.
My kids are now 7 and 9, and the sex life is kinda getting back on track. But honestly, after a whole day of giving, giving, giving I think it's pretty normal to want to collapse on the sofa. Natures way of contraception perhaps??
Also, I've always preferred morning sex, and that's hard to manage with little kids! And there's no way I'm setting the alarm earlier.
I'm not saying that I like the way it is, because I'd love to go back to 2-3 times per week like it used to be. But the reality is that with young children, we're just too tired. Anyway, you're not alone. We can look forward to our children becoming more independant together.
One last thought: You mentioned PND. Do you take anti-depressants currently? It's just that some brands can play havoc with your sex drive. But there are some newer meds out there that don't have those side effects.
thanks sweetie,
Its nice to know that I am not alone, and no, I am not on anti-depressants. I dont like them. I like to stay as non-medicated as I can.
I hope you are right... I hope it gets better with time.
Rachel
I think that ruts are ruts; like you said, you've gotten to a place where you're used to not having sex and it feels like an effort to try, whereas you'd just as soon do what you've become used to doing. When you get out of the habit of doing something it takes time and effort to get back into it; I don't think sex is any exception. I think sometimes it takes some effort to "reawaken" your libido. With that in mind, I would suggest making the effort and continuing to make the effort, even though TV may be more appealing and even though it will likely feel scripted for the first many times. I would also suggest taking your time and maybe considering adding some new elements to help get things going. A nice back rub and/or body massage is a nice way to get relaxed and in the mood for more sexual action. There are plenty of oils, powders and lotions that are geared for sexual pleasure. A company that comes to mind that handles some great products is Kama Sutra (Kama Sutra). To break up the monotony of "so-so" sex, you might look into a good sex book. A book I have that I think is absolutely great is "Anne Hooper's Kama Sutra", by Anne Hooper. It's much more than sexual positions. It begins with touch and relaxation - giving examples and suggestions for the kinds of touch that should precede sex. The sexual positions offered are done in a tasteful manner and include the level of satisfaction that each sex will likely find in the position, as well as the level of ease and comfort (let's face it, some positions can only be performed by gymnasts and not very comfortably at that!). A book like that may go a long way in spicing things up and giving you each ideas and things to try. You might consider seeing a sex therapist to help you work on your problem. You can find an accredited sex therapist here:
Sex Therapist DirectoryI wouldn't be satisfied with just accepting a situation I knew wasn't right or good, the longer it's allowed to continue, the harder it will be to change. Ignoring problems is detrimental to relationships.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 9/18/2006 1:31 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"