Where do I stand in this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Where do I stand in this relationship?
14
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 9:28pm
My boyfriend and I just recently just got back together. We have been on and off for 4 years. He's 43 and I am 35. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and I love him. However, I do have a problem with the fact that a majority of his friends are women. It would be different if he knew these women for a few years, except he continues to meet new women and add them on his friends list. He meets up with them at pubs for drinks. Sometimes has them stop by his Condo to hang out if they call him to hang out. There is this one particular female that he started hanging out with right before we broke up before, after he became closer friends with her now he considers her a sister and tells her all our business in our relationship. He also asks for her opinion on general stuff such as( furniture to pick out for his condo) which really pists me off! Tonight we had a fight because I told him I had it with his Harem of Girl-Friends, especially with that one female. He told me that he doesn't understand why I am so hung up on her. She has nothing against me. I told him that is not the point. I don't like the fact that he needs these women in his life. I told him to stop seeing the one particular female. He said he wouldn't. I told him I didn't like the fact that she goes and hangs out at this place and they hang-out. He says he is going to continue and that I should trust him they are just friends. He says that I am the one with the problem and if he were to get rid of her as a friend, I would find another one of his female friends to pick on and get rid of. I am not sure if it is me being paranoid or if it is him being immature and acting like a high-school kid?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 11:53pm
I can see how your boyfriend's female friends would bother you. But you did mention that there is no doubt that you love each other. If your boyfriend has never given you a reason not to trust him before, then I would probably try trusting him on this. However, I would have to get to know these female friends. Especially the one that he's really close too. I would probably try to hang out at his condo when she's over too, just to get to know her, if there isn't anything more than a friendship going on, then neither of them should mind if you hang out with them. I would try to keep an open mind, be comfortable with her and kind of remind her (by your constant presence) that you're his girlfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Sat, 03-03-2007 - 5:42am
I have a question for you. Does your bf ever invite you to hang out with him and his girlies....or is it just him and them alone all the time? If he doesn't ask you to come along..I'd be very very suspicious....and really, I'd be done with him....I don't think he shoudl have to give up all his friends...but is he making new boy friends too..or just girls?? It just smells fishy to me....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 1:52am
Whether he meets these women because he prefers women friends or whether he meets them and keeps them around for future girlfriends, for the strokes or whatever other reason there is, it's clear that this is what he does, who he is, what he prefers and most importantly -- what he will continue to do. Your choices are to accept him and the fact that he surrounds himself with females or leave because you don't like it, don't accept it, don't want it as a constant part of your life. I think it's pretty clear that you don't like it and it bothers you quite a bit or you wouldn't be here, so you've pretty much already answered the acceptance part of it.


Your boyfriend says you're the one with the problem, and he's pretty much right, although I don't know that it's as much a problem as it may be a difference in belief. He chooses to be around women, you don't feel it's appropriate, aren't comfortable with it and don't like it. Relationships are right when the compatibility is there and on this very important issue, you are not at all compatible. Since this is how it's going to be, I think it's time to move on to someone who's feelings on opposite sex friendships matches your own.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:37pm
I would start hanging out and having drinks with ALL of my guy-friends and see how much he would like it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:19pm

>>>I am not sure if it is me being paranoid or if it is him being immature and acting like a high-school kid? <<<


Neither.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:50am

It's hard to let go of someone I am in-love with and love so much. He tells me he loves me and cares about me. He tells me that all these women that he hangs out with are just friends. That one particular women Amy is like a sister to him. However, he just wants to be friends with me now because we keep hurting each other. He says he is not ready yet to get back into a relationship with me just yet. I told him I can't wait around for him when he's ready and he tells me that he doesn't want me to. Yet, he sends mix messages. I recently had major surgery, he was in the I.C.U. for 5 hours waiting for me to get out of recovery and the whole time I was in the hospital he came and seen me every day and was right by my side holding my hand. When I came home, he came by at night cooked dinner for me, did my laundry etc; Before that he would come by and see me spend time together and we made love. Even a month after the surgery we made love one time.. so I know there are feelings there and it breaks my heart because I love him so much. So last week he took me out for breakfast and did my laundry because of my surgery I still can't lift anything heavy. I asked him again about how he feels and reconsidering us taking it slow and getting back together. He said he just wants to be friends. I got so upset I was crying all the way home. I told him he doesn't need me as a friend, he's got enough women as friends. I told him if he doesn't love me enough to make me a part of his life then I don't want nothing to do with him because I can't go on like this anymore. I hope I did the right thing. It's been an emotional rollercoaster and I have been so depressed crying all the time and I am tired of feeling depressed and lonely wondering when he's going to come around and I don't think it's fair to me that he keeps me as a friend. I couldn't bear listening to him talk about him interested in other women if it got to that point. However, I always told him that I would never let him put me in that category: as a friend. Because he told me a while ago that all his friends ex's are still friends with one another and so my boyfriend is the same way. I told him I don't believe in that unless there were children involved and you had to be civiled for that reason. Luckily, we don't have children together because of the way he's acting. I mean he's going to be 44 years old and I am 35 that is why I am so distraught.. Sorry, for this long message. Thank you, I know I can't change him into something he is not, I was looking at him from the perspective as someone I wanted him to be in my eyes....... Christine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:43pm
I know it's hard to let go of someone you love, it is hard.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 2:25am
I absolutely agree with Jennie. It's very hard when you have feelings for someone and want it to be more/better. It's even harder when that person is right in so many ways, but not right in some important ones too. I think you have to look at situations like this as getting closer to the right guy for you. He had a lot of the requirements, but in this relationship you've honed in on some things that are also "must haves" for you that you didn't have before. You've learned that opposite sex friends are not on the list of "okay" things for you. You've been able to pare down your list of what constitutes the right relationship for you and with that, your next relationship will be even closer to right. I know it's hard, but instead of only seeing the pain in ending, try to see the pain that would have been in continuing. The pain of ending this relationship will come to an end, but the pain of constantly struggling about his female friends would have continued forever. You're making the healthiest choice for yourself.


Please read:

Unmatched ambitions
The Truth About the Power of Love

I also strongly suggest reading the book, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown
**Edited to fix link**


Edited 3/28/2007 3:40 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:44am
this guy is not going to give up the female friends, he already made that clear. this is something that you donot like, your only options is to accept it, or move on. because he's not going to stop. he dosent care about your feelings in this at all, because if he did, he wouldnt still have that female friend over to his apartment, knowing he is with u.
also, this sounds fishy to me also, seems like he's looking to hook up with these females. you didnt mention thaat he invites you over while he's spending time with this female, or invite you to go places with him and these female friends. if it were me, i wouldnt put up with this, you are setting yourself up to get hurt in the long run. i'd move on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:54am
girl move on! now he just wants to be "friends" with you all of a sudden?? i knew something sounded fishy with the female friends. he was looking for an excuse to have these female friends around. when in all reality he dosent want a relationship with you, he probably wanted to hook up with amy all along. and was using the "she's just like a sister" bit as an excuse to be spending time with her. it's like he was doing it right in front of your face. he dosent deserve your tears! find someone who wants what you want, and who will respect your feelings, and the relatioship!

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