Wheres my VOICE?
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| Wed, 02-07-2007 - 3:06pm |
Ever since I can remember I have never been able to stand up for myself well now I'm married and I still can't. I can say no but I can't express how I feel sometimes. I can complain about work and others and we still talk alot but I can't talk to him about him. Say I got mad at him for something I can't bring it up...Its the same for everyone I know. My parents, siblings, realitives...etc. and now him. The only thing that works is writing it down and leaving for a while till after hes read it. HE HATES IT!
I think my problem started with my ex stepdad...He used to be abusive and my mom stayed with him for along time...He was my image of men for along time and I was terrified of them... well my new stepdad helped me on that issue and now I'm with darryl and everything is all good except when he gets angry...even if its over somthing stupid like his favorite team lost in football and he yells at the tv or if hes yelling at our dog for peeing in the house...I cry and hide... he hates that too...but I just cant take anger well...its like a reflex. No matter male or female...Mainly men though...Sometimes I can take a woman yelling but its horrible. Darryl has never laid a hand on nothing not even our dog. He dont throw things or punch stuff in front of me hes well controlled in his anger except for when he yells. Hes working on that...but everyone yells every now and then...even I do but when I notice I stop and just start crying. What is my problem. HOw can I overcome this...How can I learn to talk to him face to face with out my emotional reflexes interupting. How can I not be afraid of my anger causing someone elses anger and how come I'm afraid of my own anger I dont think thats normal? I hold so much in and I have no one to talk to about it.

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hollowcheesesticks, I'd like to offer you some reassurance that you're really not so unusual.
You say that everyone yells now and then. But that's not true. I was raised in a house where nobody yelled. And in my own home, raising one's voice is completely unacceptable. No, I lie. My 10yo autistic son yells, but that's due to his disability - so I cut him some slack.
Like you, I find the sound of raised voices intolerable. While I don't have the reaction of needing to hide...in my case, a frequently raised voice would be a dealbreaker. I simply would not live with it. I don't care if it's aimed at the TV or me, yelling is unacceptable.
>>How can I not be afraid of my anger causing someone elses anger<<
I hate anger too. So instead of learning to cope with someone else's anger, I find strategies to avoid an angry exchange. Because I have no intentions of learning to accept anger, it's far easier for me to solve the issue without any anger in the first place.
In my case, when I have an issue with my husband, I never discuss it when I'm mad. Instead, I wait till I'm cool and then raise it. (Mind you, when I've cooled down I often tend to realise it's not worth discussing anyway!) You see, raising an issue when you're angry will only exacerbate the reaction of the recipent. But if you wait till you're calm and present it calmly, you're more likely to get a calm reaction.
Of course, this is dependent on the recipient being open to hearing problems. If the recipeint has a closed mind, no discussion will be fruitful whatever the presentation method.
Learning to communicate without notes would be a good thing. Because I believe I am open to verbal constructive criticism and will not react in anger, I would be extremely offended if my husband felt he needed to leave notes for me.
I know that CL-2nd life has some great resources on fair fighting. Also, some counselling to help you get past your childhood issue may not be a bad thing.
Hi hollowcheesesticks (love that name, btw!)
It's not hard to understand why you don't like confrontations (of any kind) or to even hear someone raise their voice -- it stems directly from what you grew up with.
>>Heck, I didn't even like people yelling on TV!<<
I read a survey recently of noises that people find most offensive. Such as the sound of someone vomiting and fingernails on a blackboard.
One of the findings was the Australians absolutely HATE the sound people yelling on TV. More so than any other country. The surveyors think that it's because we're generally a laid back race and we avoid confrontation.
So, to me, a dislike of people yelling on TV is quite normal ;-)
On a more serious note, while your and hollowcheesestick's upbringing was terrible, I can't help but wonder if your dislike of raised voices is normal. While your reaction is understandably more extreme, I can't believe that there is anyone who would not find raised voices scary and offensive.
Have you been to therapy about this issue at all? There are different kinds of therapy that may beneifit you. Some therapies involve role playing. It was something I did years ago. At first it was very uncomfortable and un natural for me to do, but it got easier. There is also cognitive therapy that gives you tools to cope with your knee jerk responses to situations. It helps you learn to reframe and use new tools instead of going instantly into an old cycle. There is EMDR which works really successfully with people who suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, which you may very well have given your past.
Also, look at your local junior college. Ours offers assertiveness training classes. There is a big difference between assertiveness and aggression.
I have to agree with another poster that not everyone yells. In my household we don't yell. If we are that emotional we take a breather and start fresh later. Of course the exception is my 3 yo dd. We are teaching her not to yell when angry or upset and to verbalize her feelings appropriatly but we still want her to feel free to shout for joy.
Aisha,
You're likely right -- even without my childhood I wouldn't like the sound of raised voices.
>>While today I'm quite confident and can confront people or situations when necessary, and do it in a very appropriate way, etc.<<
Yes! I think learning how to approach others in the *appropriate way* is the key for the OP. To learn how to address an issue with minimal risk of the issue turning into anger. But while also realising that raised voices aren't necessarily part of everyone's life. That one doesn't have to learn to accept anger and yelling in their lives.
Just as an aside, I've seen my autistic son have a meltdown because of the yelling in Supernanny. It's too confronting and confusing for him. Likewise, when he was little, if a parent yelled at a child in a supermarket, he would go out in sympathy. (Like you and the OP, he's overly sensitive to anger. But with different causes) Even now, we all have to be really conscious of keeping our voices calm because of the effect yelling has on him. Besides the fact that nobody here likes raised voices anyway.
Keeping his voice calm is something I think the OP's husband would do well to remember. Because his wife has an issue with yelling, if he cared about her he would learn to control his voice and possibly even teach some strategies for communicating with him. I'm suspecting that the fact he hasn't done this already indicates some serious self absorbtion on his part.
Hollowcheesesticks, following on from the last paragraph in my previous post....
Is your husband aware of how his raised voice effects you? If so, what does he say about the situation?
You know full well where this problem came from, what the root of it is, and until you deal with it and resolve it in therapy, you're going to continue to have this problem. I haven't been where you are exactly, but I know how it is to be around an abusive man (my ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive) and I know that it continued to affect me after I left. I knew how I was supposed to act in a good relationship, but I couldn't make myself do it.
This isn't your fault and it isn't your husband's fault, but you've got to deal with it and get rid of it. Your abusive step father has held enough of your life, it's time for you to work though it so you can leave him behind and move on to a life that's free of the issues he saddled you with. The therapist you need is someone who is accredited in dealing with abuse issues. What do you think, Hollowcheesesticks, are you ready to get rid of this forever? There are lots of options available, including calling National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233 , explaining your situation and telling them you're in need of a therapist. They'll likely be able to refer you to one, and the therapist will be free. Let me know if you need more help finding a therapist or finding a way to get one. There are options.
Your post should serve as an example to every woman with children who's in an abusive relationship why leaving is so very important.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Could the two of you work out a non-verbal signal so he knows he's getting louder?
Carrie
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