Who is right/Who is wrong?

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Registered: 09-21-2005
Who is right/Who is wrong?
44
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:18am

Ok all, you're not through with me yet...!

Lately as far as the trust issue...well, I guess things are improving a bit. I have been keeping more to myself, spending more time by myself instead of that codependent crap...he on his end has been respecting what I ask as far as his selection of movies or whatever. We've been trying to talk about things but he still wants most of the time to not talk about them. I know he's hoping that I will find a way to get over this but he doesn't enjoy me bringing it up all the time. However, we have made some progress. As far as being able to trust him, I guess I've just been trying to read the signs more than anything with his sexual intimacy with me and so far I see it improving, so I think in that arena we are getting better.

But sometimes I feel like the guy is just inhuman sometimes!

I guess I'm realizing that because neither one of us came from very solid family backgrounds that there are a lot of relationship issues that we are struggling to work through because we don't know how very well.

Like the other day, I was just having a really hard day and was just sad about having lost my trust. He came over later that evening and I wiped my tears away but then later started getting upset. He took it as since he came over I got upset and saidhe was just going to go and I told him I was upset before he even came over. He says well it seems like you're getting worse and I said no I feel like I'm getting better. First I was angry (extremely) now I'm more sad, I said something to the effect of the stages of grieving...(wow do we really have to analyze human emotion so much?). Anyway, after things getting tense a bit since it seems he doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, I was frustrated because it seems like he just wants to live life without them...however, later it got better and we talked more and he opened up more to me and I asked him some burning questions that I've slowly been wanting to ask and he does seem to be genuine...

But then...

ok so financially I am strapped tighter than a corset. I am afraid to buy anything except what is absolutely necessary. I am still a SAHM, still dependent on my x (who lost his job but finally got another one not paying as much). I can't afford the luxuries I use to have like a cell phone, or whatever...I've been saying things about how strapped I am but he hasn't known to what extent, I guess. I received some money from my parents that they said for me to use to buy a cell phone and I told him this but then realized that it's only going to have to go to bills right now. Last week he had bought a satellite radio for his car (we both love music very much) and I was a bit annoyed but also excited about it and even asked if I could use it or whatever and he was a bit stingy...(now this is a man who is supposedly wanting to spend the rest of his life with me). Now he offered to possibly get a CHEAPER one for me but I said that I couldn't really afford the monthly payment and besides I figured money was kind of tight for him too (however he did do a bill consolidation recently so has more spending room).
Still in my own mind I know my priorities and that the bills have to get paid first, I can entertain the fantasy about such luxuries as a satellite radio but in reality just know I can live without it.

So I had told him that no I can't afford to do much of anything right now (and still need a cell phone or would really like to have one with two small children).

Now in the past he has mentioned to me about getting one and putting me on his plan, but I don't push anything. I just figured if he could afford it and wanted to get me one then he would right? Wrong.

So the other day he is all excited over a PDA. He is an electronics glut and was looking at all kinds of things and figured he wanted something to help him get organized. Now I have a PDA which I offered for him to use instead of buying one, but "no, it's not windows friendly" it's not this or that or the other thing...and THIS is someone who I am SUPPOSED to be planning a future with even though our finances are separate right now. I joked to him that he is an impulsive spender (which I know he can be sometimes) and I too have been known to spend money but I know also how to live within my means.

So I both joked and said well you'd better get it all out of your system now before I take over the finances. But I also said the next day that he really shouldn't buy one. Of course I'm getting irritated that he's even thinking of doing this when he knows full well that I still am struggling to pay my bills and STILL do not have a cell phone which I would really like to have (I got a flat when I was with my kids and fortunately HAD a cell at the time, but now I am afraid if anything happens without one now that I'm totally screwed). Not only this but my 3 year old daughter has been asking me over and over for a bed (she's still sleeping in her crib cuz I haven't been able to afford a toddler bed). The other night she was almost crying saying "I ask and I ask and I ask and you don't get me a small bed Mommy!" I puther in bed and she says (fighting back tears) "you can make me one like Daddy did" (and starts pounding as if with a hammer on the side of her crib) "you can make one for me". My heart is breaking because I can't even get a freakin bed for my daughter and she's practically in tears over it because her brother has one...so I told my bf this and he did offer to take me out and try to get her something.

BUT, the next day when I called him and asked him NOT to go buy this stupid PDA he had ALREADY gone out and purchased the damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Now we get into another argument because I am SO ANGRY that he seems so damn CLUELESS about possibly trying to help me out sometimes...He said "well I offered to get you a radio, I offered to put you on my phone plan, I offered to take you out and get DD a bed" and I say "don't you think this is a little out of balance?" I don't push issues because I think he may not have enough to help me out but then he goes and does stuff like this? I'm not going to say "Yes, get me a cell phone, yes get me a satellite radio, yes buy my daughter a bed". I mean I'm not going to tell him it's his responsibility when it's not! But it's like he doesn't even say to himself, "well I know J really needs this and so let me just go get it" but instead he goes and buys something very expensive for himself...!!!!!!!

Also, it seems that whenever people he knows seem to need help he helps them and meanwhile when I say that my house is a tornado and I really need to clean it, it doesn't seem to mean anything. Of course, if I ASK then yes he would come over and help. He has done things around here to help me like installing a ceiling fan in my DD's bedroom and even last weekend he came over with his son while all our kids were playing and he washed my dishes and swept and mopped the floor and cleaned up the LR. But that doesn't happen very often. We all spend a lot of time together with our kids and I have more toys AND I'm not as uptight so I let them play and make a mess but it means I have a lot more to clean. AND usually when we are together in the evenings, I will make dinner for ALL of us, I take the initiative to treat even him and his son as I would my family.

That I suppose is the problem I am having is that he doesn't seem to initiate anything on his own to treat me as his partner. It's like I'm still completely independent and am just responsible for whatever. Now he did offer some things and he has helped me in the past but usually ONLY when I say something. I would expect someone who considers themselves to be my SO to anticipate the other person's needs and not just wait until they insist on them.

So last night I'm thinking that maybe he realizes where I'm coming from and might even surprise me or something (which I have RARELY known him to do, but yet on other occasions when I know he needs something I am THERE without him ever having to ask - e.g. he's been sick a few times since we were together and though I don't have much money, I went out bought him a bunch of stuff and came back and made him food, medicine and even kept his son occupied so he could lay down). But last night he decided to go over and hang out at his friends house and have a few drinks instead. Didn't call, said he drove by but all the lights were off so he didn't stop.

I am so FRUSTRATED right now! I know I can't expect him to be a mind reader but I feel like he is so self absorbed sometimes that he can't see past his nose! I am trying to think how I can MAKE people Christmas presents right now because I can't afford to buy them and he's out buying himself a new toy....or a couple of them!

Sometimes I feel like this man really is CLUELESS to being human! I mean he's not always like that he can be kind and considerate...
In the beginning of our relationship I used to absolutely bend over backwards for him and slowly I stopped doing all of that because I felt like I wasn't getting much in return. He has made effort to do some things and has bought some things for me that I needed without me asking but I feel like for the most part he's in his own CLUELESS self-absorbed world! He says I'M being selfish because he just spent a crapload of money for my bday (which he did) for US to go away and even got gifts for me, but I can't USE a trip away to pay my bills or to get something I really need like a cell phone or to buy a bed for my DD!!!!!

I am a very passionate person and in the past I was always very direct, sometimes even to a fault. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I usually have always been so direct sometimes that I've had to tone it down and realize when I'm wrong. In this relationship I have become so undirect that it's made me nuts. I have become so careful about displaying my feelings whatever they may be and have tried to be careful to know when and if I am in the wrong but I am voicing myself again. I show my love and I say so. Sometimes I feel like I have to play guessing games because he's either too proud or too insecure to let me know if he's vulnerable or if he wants something... Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a brick wall...now maybe I'm just saying that because I'm mad but I am frustrated that I feel like this! I wish I could say "why don't you pay as much attention to someone else as you do to yourself"...

Maybe I've just been too clingy so that he thinks he can just do whatever he wants and I will stay but I'm spending more time by myself. He really thinks he is right and I just don't know because so often I feel like he is so self-absorbed....I'm telling you, this relationship thing for me is like putting a fish in jello. However, "my therapist says" (anyone see Hope and faith last night? lol!) that by pushing people away when things are hard that I would be depriving myself of close relationships...I can't win.
So am I overreacting?




Edited 11/12/2005 1:58 pm ET by quirky_girl
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Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 1:53am

I think that part of your problem is that you're looking at it as an issue of who is right and who is wrong. Whenever there's a relationship issue, there usually isn't one person who is completely right and one person who is completely wrong. It's usually that different people have different viewpoints, and there's some truth to both viewpoints. If you just view the problem as one person being right and one person being wrong, you are only going to butt heads with each other. Instead of looking for what is right or wrong, you would have much more success if you focused on what would work to solve the problem.

Now, from what I gather from your post, I get the impression that he would buy you the things you wanted if you just spoke up and asked for them. Well, if you know this, and you really want the stuff, then why not just speak up and ask for it?! Actually, I can tell you why. Because you're so caught up in your thinking of how you think things SHOULD be, that you're refusing to be flexible and to deal with things as they actually are. He's somebody who believes that if things are important to you, you need to know to speak up and ask for them. You're somebody who thinks that it's rude to come out and ask. There's a validity to both points. I read a book by a guy who was able to predict with 95% accuracy which couples would stay married and which would be divorced in 3 years, and he found that some of the couples who stayed happily married were always very outspoken and direct about asking the other person for what they wanted, and some couples were much less direct about asking the other person for what they wanted, and that actually BOTH those approaches worked just as well, and resulted in just as good of a marriage provided that both people were on the same page. But when you have one person who believes in being very direct and always speaking up, and one person who believes in anticipating the other person's needs ahead, that's where you run into trouble.

The way I see it, you have four options:
Option 1- You can continue doing what you're doing now. Not speaking up more about what you want and complaining that you're not getting it, and then getting all upset about it.
Option 2- Speaking up more to get what you want.
Option 3- Leave the relationship.
Option 4- Stay in the relationship, but change your attitude about things.

If the situation the way it is now is that terrible for you, and if having to speak up more to ask for what you want is that terrible for you, then there's nothing which says that you have to stay with him or to accept either of those things. But if you don't want to leave him, then obviously there are things that make being with him better than being alone, obviously you feel like you're getting more from being in the relationship than you're losing, so why not accept that there are some negative things that you just need to endure to get the good things in the relationship?

By the way, you may be thinking why should you be the one to budge to accomodate his way? Why can't he budge to accomodate the way you want to do things? Well, you've already tried getting him to budge, and that didn't work. If you want to be with him, you have to accept the way things are and do the best you can with the situation. It's much easier to change yourself than to change the other person. And besides, when you change and speak up more about you want, YOU'LL be getting more things, so it's not like this is something that you're just doing for him. It's something that you'd be doing for yourself.

Also, as far as his spending, I was pretty much in the same boat with my boyfriend. We are planning on moving in together pretty soon and then getting a joint account. Like you, I started thinking of my money and his money as our money already since we were life partners. He still saw his money as his own, and my money as my own, though. So when I found out that he was spending money that he could have been saving to move in with me on things he didn't really need, my first reaction was to get angry. But then I realized, that it is technically his money, and he has a right to spend it however he wants. Having said that, I don't think it's wrong to start discussing how you handle money before moving in together and to start trying to coordinate how you'll save. But you do have to be aware that while you still have seperate accounts, the money that's in each person's bank account is their own money, and that they're allowed to spend it however they want to spend it.

Also, there is a book I would really recommend to you. It's called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The author points out that there are differences in what people primarily look for from their mate to show that the other person loves them. Some people focus on words, others on gifts, others on acts of kindness, others on the physical things, and others on spending quality time together. The problem is that when people have different focuses on what's most important for giving and receiving love, then they both feel the other person is neglecting them. Your focus is on acts of kindness (like taking care of the person when they're sick) and on gifts. So when he doesn't do think to do those things, then you think he's not doing what he should be for the relationship. But maybe his focus is on something else. Let's say, for an example, that it's on physical things. He might be a whole lot of emphasis on trying to touch you and kiss you in order to show you how much he loves you, and he might think he's a very caring and loving boyfriend because he's always doing those things. He might be thinking that you've been neglecting him and the relationship because you don't get physically intimate with him often enough. You might be going out of your way to clean his house from top to bottom to show him how much you love him and want to take care of him, and he may not be picking up on it at all because to him cleaning has absolutely nothing to do with love. To him, love is shown through physical intimacy. You may be thinking how selfish and uncaring he is for never cleaning your house, and he may be thinking how selfish and uncaring you are for never having sex with him. If you don't realize that to him sex is about showing that you care for the other person, then you may view it as him just wanting to use you for sex to please himself when he asks for it. If he doesn't realize that cleaning the house is the way you show your love, then he may view it as you just using him as a maid. Again, it isn't that one of you is right or that one of you is wrong, but you may just have different ways of viewing things, and if you don't realize this, you may end up sabotaging your relationship because of it.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 4:31am

Bingo. Exactly.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 4:54am

Ok I understand that his money is his...however even in conversation we have said that what is each of ours is also the other persons... for instance I have a very expensive camera that he likes very much. He uses it probably more than I do but has not helped to pay for it though I've asked if he could because of how much he uses it. I fail to see how this applies to anything. Should the two of you break up, the camera would remain with the person who is the owner -- the person who paid for it. And believe me, if the two of you break up, a blend of purchases made together as well as spoken or unspoken for each other will not divide up evenly, fairly or peacefully.


I realize his money is his and mine is mine, however for some reason it still doesn't make me feel any better.... It doesn't make you feel any better because here again as before, you're battling with how you'd like things to be vs. how they really are.


he has also said that he realizes he is a bit impulsive when it comes to spending money and that he "needs" to be kept in check.Does that not strike you as a red flag? You handling it for him instead of him being a responsible partner? Regardless of how you plan it to be once you're married, until then, it's not your place to be involved in. He may say that he spends too much and doesn't manage his money well, but he's an adult and does as he chooses. ... I know the reason he doesn't now is because he doesn't want me to know how much he really does spend (his words). Do you really think he's going to magically change that when you get married? He'll continue to want to spend as he does now and he'll continue to try and hide his spending from you. You're in for huge battles over money and a lot of resentment from both of you, you because he continues to spend, lie and hide what he does, him because you're trying to stop him, cutting off his spending and trying to limit what he does. He's an adult and does as he chooses. So are you. Regardless of what he says he'd like or what you think things are should be you each are handling things as you see fit as adults. That will not change.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 5:36am

Trust issues and rebuilding:

I'd understood you to previously say that your therapist had indicated what you had been told here (in regard to trust issues and rebuilding, as well as everything else) was wrong and the path you were taking (which we were warning you about) was right. Here you seem to indicate the opposite.?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 11:14am

Ok, in my own defense re: the trust issue, as I said I was upset BEFORE he even showed up. I hadn't planned on shoving my sorrow on him or even letting him know I was upset, I didn't even know if I would see him but he showed up quite literally while tears were running down my face (after something had really triggered me) and I wiped them away but since it was so fresh I just began to tear up again when he came in...besides ripping his head off lately, I have not been milking this by any means. In fact I have actually been happier but unfortunately sometimes he catches me at bad times when I'm thinking about it and since I don't hide my emotions and he usually asks what's up, I tell. But if he happens to catch me at one of those times (which granted, lately has been often but the more he gives the more peace I have and the less I feel this way) then I do expect him to at least try to acknowledge that I may be feeling that way. I am working on it, on my own, AND it IS getting better. And though he still fights the initial eruption of my emotion, we can usually settle it calmly.

Jen as far as my attitude of giving and expecting in return, I know what you are saying. However, I won't be taken for granted either. I have seen many people become slave-like doormats and they let their SO do so much for them but give nothing. I do things for him because I want to but I also will not be taken for granted.

2nd-life, I'm not sure what you may be referring to, I may have not expressed myself clearly in the past. My therapist didn't say that being on here was a bad thing, quite to the contrary, she took note of it to tell other people so they may have another reference to go to for support. I thought it was unhealthy for me to be focusing on things so much because it just seemed to be serving as a constant reminder which didn't help anything. However, it did give me insight in to how to try and adress things for him. He's not seeing anyone, and to be honest I think relationships are just as difficult for him as they are for me. I don't think he ever realized what it really means to be in a relationship (since his 1st long term one was with a crazy chic and the 2nd was just dead in the water - which I now wonder though he assigns blame that it wasn't also a lot of his doing which I could very well see happening with us). The only lessons he is getting is through me being on here and going to my therapist, HOWEVER he does listen to what I tell him from other people and considers that seriously, just as you have been saying he needs to accept the trust issue more and take part in it (though he's still doing a somewhat lousy job).

You all are very right there are a lot of indicators as to why this man's charachter leaves something to be desired and it is slowly, very slowly seeping in and I feel myself pulling away more, which I think he sees. I am not one for abrupt goodbyes so I haven't been able to accomplish that, but I am one for riding the waves out and seeing how things go and so far it seems a little placid around here...

However, I think by even telling him how I feel and that I was upset because he is getting things and that I am also jealous...I think he feels like a total schmuck because he has been very attentive now - he did get me a cell phone last night and we are going to get my DD a bed today (I can't wait to see her little face when she sees it in her room! She's going to be SO excited!). I feel in some ways that I wish I hadn't had to make him see it by saying so but I did unfortunately.

However, tell me if I am wrong...when we do recognize our own actions does this not make us more aware of them later on then? I know I've been apt to be selfish before or totally wrong and it makes me more aware of it...

Don't get me wrong, this man does have a good heart but I honestly feel sometimes like he is clueless to things. Yes that bugs me very much but I think once I say something to him he usually does know when he should have acted differently and didn't.

Anyway, I think I'm just trying to balance things here. I have stopped spoiling him rotten because he did almost come to EXPECT those things from me (like homemade cheesecake!) I am not going to be in a situation where I give, give, give, give, give and little is reciprocated. I think that is asking to be taken for granted, it says hey you are worth so much and I'm worth so little that you don't have to give me anything... No, sir. I am worth something, I do deserve to be paid attention to and hey, if he doesn't want to do it then I know someone else out there will. I don't believe women become respected by breaking their necks "out of selfless love" if they don't get or expect anything back. I expect respect, I deserve it. I expect my SO to be considerate of me. I don't expect him to shower me with praise and gifts all the time, but I'll be damned if I keep feeding my love, blood, sweat and tears into a black hole.

And rosewater, I think what you said is something to take into consideration because honestly he can be very affectionate. He does say extremely sweet things to me and he says them often. One of the reasons he says his last relationship failed was because of sexual intimacy (among other things but that was a big focus). And being together in that way, well he does express a lot of attention on it and how he's never felt sexually connected with anyone the way he does with me, and he says this often, so I think I need to consider what you are saying.

Anyway, call me spoiled I guess but he is coming over later to help me clean up too.

I think he definitely can be clueless. Whether I can shake him from that is a whole 'nother question (or quest...lol!) No - I KNOW, I know, it's not fair to change him, I can't EXPECT him to change who he IS, it's not fair to him, but the funny thing is is that in a lot of ways I think this relationship has served as a HUGE wake up call to both of us. We didn't know what we were getting into really when we embarked on this relationship, and no matter how much we argue and fight and say we're going to break up and give each other's keys back, we still end up staying together, not caring sometimes who is right or wrong (even if at times he doesn't always SAY he's wrong but he does ACT like he's wrong). From the beginning to now, I know both of us are doing a lot of things VERY differently than we were back then, and sometimes the slow progress is not always so easy to see...

Only time will tell, but for now, I guess I did get what I wanted, sort of...!

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Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 5:34pm

I think he's got to be pretty confused by your statements.

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Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 6:12pm

>>I thought it was unhealthy for me to be focusing on things so much because it just seemed to be serving as a constant reminder which didn't help anything<<

This is exactly my point about letting go of the grieving. You say that I'm the only one here who says "let go of the grief" and you say that I agree with your boyfriend and that I'm totally wrong...but here you are saying it yourself.

>>more he gives the more peace I have and the less I feel this way<< >>he needs to accept the trust issue more and take part in it (though he's still doing a somewhat lousy job)<<

It seems to me like you're expecting him to bend over backwards to make you feel better. Yes, he should acknowledge his actions and have a degree of transparency so that you can see it's not happening still. If he has acknowledged his actions in the past and is transparent now, I can't see that there's any more he can or should do. He should just be himself and continue in a his normal fashion. If you don't like his normal behaviour, then that's a different issue entirely.

Hon, peace won't come from HIS actions - peace comes internally. Perhaps this is why you are not able to get past all this stuff? In regards to trust recovery, you seem to be expecting more of him than acknowledgement and transparency.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 1:57am

Perhaps I completely misread your previous post, but the situation as I saw it was that we were telling you your thoughts and your actions were wrong, co-dependant and not healthy. You came back saying being on the board was making you worse - more paranoid - and that your therapist had told you everything you were doing was exactly right, appropriate and correct. And no, you never said your therapist said the board was a bad place to be, you didn't mention that you'd ever brought it up to your therapist, not that it matters. If I totally misread that, which is entirely possible, I expect someone here will correct me.


"However, tell me if I am wrong...when we do recognize our own actions does this not make us more aware of them later on then? I know I've been apt to be selfish before or totally wrong and it makes me more aware of it..." I'd have to say sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on the person and the circumstances.


I don't think anyone thinks he's a total schmuck. Focusing solely on the issues you've posted in this thread (not the porn or the lies) I'd say it's simply a case of you wanting and expecting characteristics that he does not possess. He's not wrong to spend while you're scraping, he's not wrong to not help you clean or not be there whenever you want him to be. He's being exactly who he is, period. Neither are you wrong to want and expect what you do (though expecting to have reciprocation on all the things you do for him is off-base). Clearly, in these areas, you just aren't right for each other. There are women out there who would be thrilled to have a guy who acts just like yours, he would be perfect for them, he's not for you. And likewise there are guys out there who want to do all the things you want and expect in a boyfriend, but your boyfriend is not one of them.


Cajoling, pouting, being upset, angry or disappointed won't make a difference. He may feel like a schmuck but in the long run it won't make a difference. His typical actions tell you plainly that he is who he is. Occasionally doing something out of the norm out of guilt doesn't for one second mean he's changing. The pattern will continue, he'll be his real self, sprinkled with occasional bouts of guilt-induced niceties, but what you see is what you get. You were married before, Quirky, you know this, right? Minor irritations and problems that existed before marriage don't get smaller or go away with marriage, they become magnified and become bigger. Taking a real look at his personality isn't about judging him to be a good guy or a schmuck, it's about taking a real look at what it is you'll be dealing with if you continue with a relationship.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 8:44am

Acknowledging everyone's comments but don't have time to respond to them right now.

I know it's unhealthy for me to focus on the loss of trust so I'm trying my best not to and I'm sure it's causing a lot of hardship on our relationship. Sometimes there are a lot of triggers for me which isn't easy but I'm working on it. Being on the board isn't a bad thing but it has led me to think about it a lot which isn't good so I know I have to move forward if I believe he is too.

I know the codependency has played a part in us growing apart because he saw me as much more independent, happy, outgoing, self-confident, etc. when we first met and since the lost of trust I lost that in a lot of ways so I have to take responsiblity (which I'm trying to do) to get back to that, I think that will help a lot.

I do think I am somewhat spoiled when it comes to how men do treat me since I've usually been with people that shower me with attention and this is one of the first times I have showered someone else with attention and it's different for me to not have someone try to think of me at times. So, I do have to learn to accept him for who he is.

For now, I am trying first of all to get my own identity back. This may in turn help him to remember who I am and not just this miserable, needy, codependent mess...and giving it time we shall see what actions he chooses. I think one of the problems is that I am someone who is very reflective and do tend to analyze a lot of things. No, he's not a bad person but he kind of floats through life. Yes, many people would be glad to have him and I know many women would probably jump at the chance to have him...he is an incredible person though sometimes I do feel like he is more self-centered and thoughtless than most other people I have been with so I either accept him how he is or move on and truthfully I really do want to be with him and don't want to sabotage this relationship because of my own shortcomings, or whatever. We used to have such a great connection in every single way and I'm hoping we can get back to that point. I'm trying to make sure I'm trying to do the right thing on my part...

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback everyone and for putting me in my place because I do need it sometimes too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 11:21am

"Anyway, thanks for all the feedback everyone and for putting me in my place because I do need it sometimes too."








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"