Who is right/Who is wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Who is right/Who is wrong?
44
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:18am

Ok all, you're not through with me yet...!

Lately as far as the trust issue...well, I guess things are improving a bit. I have been keeping more to myself, spending more time by myself instead of that codependent crap...he on his end has been respecting what I ask as far as his selection of movies or whatever. We've been trying to talk about things but he still wants most of the time to not talk about them. I know he's hoping that I will find a way to get over this but he doesn't enjoy me bringing it up all the time. However, we have made some progress. As far as being able to trust him, I guess I've just been trying to read the signs more than anything with his sexual intimacy with me and so far I see it improving, so I think in that arena we are getting better.

But sometimes I feel like the guy is just inhuman sometimes!

I guess I'm realizing that because neither one of us came from very solid family backgrounds that there are a lot of relationship issues that we are struggling to work through because we don't know how very well.

Like the other day, I was just having a really hard day and was just sad about having lost my trust. He came over later that evening and I wiped my tears away but then later started getting upset. He took it as since he came over I got upset and saidhe was just going to go and I told him I was upset before he even came over. He says well it seems like you're getting worse and I said no I feel like I'm getting better. First I was angry (extremely) now I'm more sad, I said something to the effect of the stages of grieving...(wow do we really have to analyze human emotion so much?). Anyway, after things getting tense a bit since it seems he doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, I was frustrated because it seems like he just wants to live life without them...however, later it got better and we talked more and he opened up more to me and I asked him some burning questions that I've slowly been wanting to ask and he does seem to be genuine...

But then...

ok so financially I am strapped tighter than a corset. I am afraid to buy anything except what is absolutely necessary. I am still a SAHM, still dependent on my x (who lost his job but finally got another one not paying as much). I can't afford the luxuries I use to have like a cell phone, or whatever...I've been saying things about how strapped I am but he hasn't known to what extent, I guess. I received some money from my parents that they said for me to use to buy a cell phone and I told him this but then realized that it's only going to have to go to bills right now. Last week he had bought a satellite radio for his car (we both love music very much) and I was a bit annoyed but also excited about it and even asked if I could use it or whatever and he was a bit stingy...(now this is a man who is supposedly wanting to spend the rest of his life with me). Now he offered to possibly get a CHEAPER one for me but I said that I couldn't really afford the monthly payment and besides I figured money was kind of tight for him too (however he did do a bill consolidation recently so has more spending room).
Still in my own mind I know my priorities and that the bills have to get paid first, I can entertain the fantasy about such luxuries as a satellite radio but in reality just know I can live without it.

So I had told him that no I can't afford to do much of anything right now (and still need a cell phone or would really like to have one with two small children).

Now in the past he has mentioned to me about getting one and putting me on his plan, but I don't push anything. I just figured if he could afford it and wanted to get me one then he would right? Wrong.

So the other day he is all excited over a PDA. He is an electronics glut and was looking at all kinds of things and figured he wanted something to help him get organized. Now I have a PDA which I offered for him to use instead of buying one, but "no, it's not windows friendly" it's not this or that or the other thing...and THIS is someone who I am SUPPOSED to be planning a future with even though our finances are separate right now. I joked to him that he is an impulsive spender (which I know he can be sometimes) and I too have been known to spend money but I know also how to live within my means.

So I both joked and said well you'd better get it all out of your system now before I take over the finances. But I also said the next day that he really shouldn't buy one. Of course I'm getting irritated that he's even thinking of doing this when he knows full well that I still am struggling to pay my bills and STILL do not have a cell phone which I would really like to have (I got a flat when I was with my kids and fortunately HAD a cell at the time, but now I am afraid if anything happens without one now that I'm totally screwed). Not only this but my 3 year old daughter has been asking me over and over for a bed (she's still sleeping in her crib cuz I haven't been able to afford a toddler bed). The other night she was almost crying saying "I ask and I ask and I ask and you don't get me a small bed Mommy!" I puther in bed and she says (fighting back tears) "you can make me one like Daddy did" (and starts pounding as if with a hammer on the side of her crib) "you can make one for me". My heart is breaking because I can't even get a freakin bed for my daughter and she's practically in tears over it because her brother has one...so I told my bf this and he did offer to take me out and try to get her something.

BUT, the next day when I called him and asked him NOT to go buy this stupid PDA he had ALREADY gone out and purchased the damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Now we get into another argument because I am SO ANGRY that he seems so damn CLUELESS about possibly trying to help me out sometimes...He said "well I offered to get you a radio, I offered to put you on my phone plan, I offered to take you out and get DD a bed" and I say "don't you think this is a little out of balance?" I don't push issues because I think he may not have enough to help me out but then he goes and does stuff like this? I'm not going to say "Yes, get me a cell phone, yes get me a satellite radio, yes buy my daughter a bed". I mean I'm not going to tell him it's his responsibility when it's not! But it's like he doesn't even say to himself, "well I know J really needs this and so let me just go get it" but instead he goes and buys something very expensive for himself...!!!!!!!

Also, it seems that whenever people he knows seem to need help he helps them and meanwhile when I say that my house is a tornado and I really need to clean it, it doesn't seem to mean anything. Of course, if I ASK then yes he would come over and help. He has done things around here to help me like installing a ceiling fan in my DD's bedroom and even last weekend he came over with his son while all our kids were playing and he washed my dishes and swept and mopped the floor and cleaned up the LR. But that doesn't happen very often. We all spend a lot of time together with our kids and I have more toys AND I'm not as uptight so I let them play and make a mess but it means I have a lot more to clean. AND usually when we are together in the evenings, I will make dinner for ALL of us, I take the initiative to treat even him and his son as I would my family.

That I suppose is the problem I am having is that he doesn't seem to initiate anything on his own to treat me as his partner. It's like I'm still completely independent and am just responsible for whatever. Now he did offer some things and he has helped me in the past but usually ONLY when I say something. I would expect someone who considers themselves to be my SO to anticipate the other person's needs and not just wait until they insist on them.

So last night I'm thinking that maybe he realizes where I'm coming from and might even surprise me or something (which I have RARELY known him to do, but yet on other occasions when I know he needs something I am THERE without him ever having to ask - e.g. he's been sick a few times since we were together and though I don't have much money, I went out bought him a bunch of stuff and came back and made him food, medicine and even kept his son occupied so he could lay down). But last night he decided to go over and hang out at his friends house and have a few drinks instead. Didn't call, said he drove by but all the lights were off so he didn't stop.

I am so FRUSTRATED right now! I know I can't expect him to be a mind reader but I feel like he is so self absorbed sometimes that he can't see past his nose! I am trying to think how I can MAKE people Christmas presents right now because I can't afford to buy them and he's out buying himself a new toy....or a couple of them!

Sometimes I feel like this man really is CLUELESS to being human! I mean he's not always like that he can be kind and considerate...
In the beginning of our relationship I used to absolutely bend over backwards for him and slowly I stopped doing all of that because I felt like I wasn't getting much in return. He has made effort to do some things and has bought some things for me that I needed without me asking but I feel like for the most part he's in his own CLUELESS self-absorbed world! He says I'M being selfish because he just spent a crapload of money for my bday (which he did) for US to go away and even got gifts for me, but I can't USE a trip away to pay my bills or to get something I really need like a cell phone or to buy a bed for my DD!!!!!

I am a very passionate person and in the past I was always very direct, sometimes even to a fault. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I usually have always been so direct sometimes that I've had to tone it down and realize when I'm wrong. In this relationship I have become so undirect that it's made me nuts. I have become so careful about displaying my feelings whatever they may be and have tried to be careful to know when and if I am in the wrong but I am voicing myself again. I show my love and I say so. Sometimes I feel like I have to play guessing games because he's either too proud or too insecure to let me know if he's vulnerable or if he wants something... Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a brick wall...now maybe I'm just saying that because I'm mad but I am frustrated that I feel like this! I wish I could say "why don't you pay as much attention to someone else as you do to yourself"...

Maybe I've just been too clingy so that he thinks he can just do whatever he wants and I will stay but I'm spending more time by myself. He really thinks he is right and I just don't know because so often I feel like he is so self-absorbed....I'm telling you, this relationship thing for me is like putting a fish in jello. However, "my therapist says" (anyone see Hope and faith last night? lol!) that by pushing people away when things are hard that I would be depriving myself of close relationships...I can't win.
So am I overreacting?




Edited 11/12/2005 1:58 pm ET by quirky_girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 3:38pm

Quirky Girl, I had a thought about the mismatched housework contributions. If you're doing more than 50% of the domestics....but he's putting in more than 50% of the money....does it even out somewhat?

By the way, I finally found your post on the off topic section and replied to it yesterday. Sorry for the delay. Please let me know your thoughts.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:56pm

How does that work if they are not living together and not comingling their incomes?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:43pm

I could be wrong here (and there are a few contradicting posts), but from how I understand the relationship, their finances are supposedly shared. At present, he's buying her the extra things she needs - such as a kid's bed and a cell phone.

Yes, there does seem to be some type of an issue with Quirky Girl actually accepting his offers....or asking for her financial requirements.....but from what I understand, he will buy whatever when the issue is made plain.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:30pm

Now that I've had time to really read your post (if I read 'em at work it's almost always a quick skim, that is if I get the chance to read more than the first few sentences!) I find one more thing I'd like to comment on, if you can stand it. You may already realize this and just didn't word it in a way that gets that message across to me, I just want to be sure you're clear. You said, "Yes, many people would be glad to have him and I know many women would probably jump at the chance to have him..." It sounds like you're leaning towards "I'd be a fool to let him go when he's soo what so many women would die for", and that's not at all what I meant. Many women would probably jump at the chance to have him, but not all of them, not by a long shot. My point was that while he may be ideal for someone, he's not perfect for you. By the same token, there's a guy out there who you'd jump at the chance for, who really is ideal for you.


As far as the trust thing goes, if my understanding is correct, you pretty much stuffed your feelings on the issue for the first what, six months? My understanding is that you didn't really begin to deal with trust (or lack of) until around the time you came to the board, am I correct? If so, still being upset, still struggling is understandable, acceptable and normal. You're right about the grieving process. You're grieving the death of the relationship that you thought you had (it never really existed as you believed it to be). Isn't your therapist talking to you about the grieving? Getting hit with it suddenly after feeling okay with it is normal, just like it happens at the time of the physical death of a loved one. He may not like it, but he did it and he'll have to deal with the consequences. The bad thing is, it doesn't sound like he's doing such a great job with that. If I gave you the impression that you are still within a time frame that it's acceptable, I didn't meant to, it's processed, dealt with and begins to rebuild when you're ready and not before. That's not something you can force either.


"Being on the board isn't a bad thing but it has led me to think about it a lot which isn't good so I know I have to move forward if I believe he is too. " It's lead you to think about a lot of what that isn't good? I'm confused. It sounds like you're saying that us pointing out valid signs of problems was hurting you, that looking the other way is better. Is that what you meant?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:11am

26 messages later and I'm reading the first post, so everyone other than OP can skip this:

you write: "He said "well I offered to get you a radio, I offered to put you on my phone plan, I offered to take you out and get DD a bed" and I say "don't you think this is a little out of balance?" I don't push issues because I think he may not have enough to help me out but then he goes and does stuff like this? I'm not going to say "Yes, get me a cell phone, yes get me a satellite radio, yes buy my daughter a bed". I mean I'm not going to tell him it's his responsibility when it's not!"

My dear, if he has opened the door to you to buy things, and you have no other means of getting things which are essential to your comfort and safety, then take him up on it. No, it's not his responsibility: it's yours to provide--but if you have no means on your own to provide it and he's offering, then it's your responsibility to take him up on it *if* you need it. And the thing is, you do... desperately. This isn't a matter of wants: it's a matter of need. You need a cell phone. You need a bed for your daughter. If he didn't have to to offer, he wouldn't offer.

Unless you go out and get a better paying job, you need to start using the resources which have availed themselves to you.

He has offered to help you out and can afford that... he can also go out and buy all the PDA's his heart desires since he earned the money---but the deal here is: you two have opposing fundamental views about money and expenditures... and those polar opposites will be what ultimately drives the relationship apart.

As far as him reading your mind about what you need: perhaps he's that unperceptive that he needs a reminder... he has to be programmed. You're expecting him to be a mindreader, and not too many people can do that, male or female. If J needs something, then J needs to speak up---that's how you get things. You don't get what you need by shrinking in a corner, cowering, wishing someone would read your mind. You get it by speaking up.

If what you need in a partner is a rescuer who reads your mind, then it appears you're with the wrong man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:18am

you write: " If you completely lost your trust in someone, despite what the issue was about, then I am sure it would take anyone quite a while to regain it and I for one think that plan of action involves the other person taking interest and responsibility for what they've done to destroy that not just my "pulling up my boot straps" and getting over it."

There has to be a legitimate, good-faith effort to regain the trust--which means seeking couples therapy, etc.--from both parties. And there has to be a willingness from the one who's lost the trust to forgive... as long as you don't forgive, you haven't moved an inch toward regaining anything... insistence upon being right or indulging righteous indignation isn't going to get you any resolution.

The day you say to him and mean it "I forgive you...", the dynamics in your relationship will change. You're keeping yourself in a prison of your own making if you won't do this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:46am

"Being on the board isn't a bad thing but it has led me to think about it a lot which isn't good so I know I have to move forward if I believe he is too. " It's lead you to think about a lot of what that isn't good? I'm confused. It sounds like you're saying that us pointing out valid signs of problems was hurting you, that looking the other way is better. Is that what you meant?


I took it to mean that she was overthinking or overanalyzing.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:21pm

I am so pissed off right now. Yes I know I came to a point where I felt that I had to realize my position but I was just over at his house dropping something off and happened to see a receipt (I swear I wasn't looking for it) for a Playstation 2 game he just bought for almost 50 bucks which he said he was going to sell the stupid thing because he doesn't play it. Oh and I found clothes in his car that he bought himself the other day too (didn't cost much, but again, was thinking of - HIMSELF.)

He never showed up the other day to help me or get the bed though he told me he would, and then never even called until almost 5 when the stores close at 6 and then a football game was on at 8. Then the next day after I didn't give up on it we finally went to get the bed last night but it was just a mattress and cheap sheets put on a frame he picked up from someone's trash...he acted very annoyed when he was helping me set up her room, I could have kicked him. I mean I understand she's not his daughter but he is griping to even do this which I was very excited to do this for her and today she was so excited she jumped on the bed and kept running up there to sit on it and play on it... :o)

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like this guy has so much growing up to do and his self-centeredness is driving me crazy. :o(

Oh and I sent an email and told him I found the game, thanked him for what he did (oh did I ever mention that before when I was working and had money that I would buy his groceries OFTEN if he needed them and probably didn't even need me to be buying groceries) and that I was actually disappointed that he's been managing to buy so many "luxuries" for himself lately and that only when he's been guilted into it has he helped to get me what I needed and I usually have to push him to do that too if it's going to happen...
I feel like crying, like he is just so self-absorbed and couldn't give a crap about me and my children sometimes...
I don't know if I should just break up with him and tell him when he can consider the needs of someone else besides himself to look me up...I'm so frustrated by his SELFISHNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. - here's part of the letter, is it out of line at all?

I did happen to see the receipt you had for another playstation 2 game, I thought you were selling it...

You know I appreciate the fact that you've helped me out these last couple of days with things that I really needed, it's only too bad that you did it out of guilt. I'm sorry to say this esp after saying that yes your money is your money, but it does bother me significantly that you have seen me struggling for very basic things but have not denied yourself many luxuries. I would say yes that that was rather selfish of you the more I see you have bought yourself lately. I only had hoped and wished that at times you may have thought of me or my children the way you seem to look after yourself.
You can be mad at me if you want, but I am very upset that I keep seeing things like this. If you make a list of things you have bought yourself since we've been together, it would be mighty long. I am sorry that it has to be like that.
However, I do thank you for helping me with the couple of things lately that you did.




Edited 11/15/2005 12:35 pm ET by quirky_girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:36pm

Quirky,

Okay, I'm REALLY confused. Toddler beds take the same mattress as cribs. So if it's a toddler bed then all you needed was a frame and you should already have the sheets and mattress. Which would have been very economical.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 12:36pm

If the problem is that he's too selfish and not the kind of guy you want to be with.... then why bang your head against the wall?

Photobucket