Who is right/Who is wrong?
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:18am |
Ok all, you're not through with me yet...!
Lately as far as the trust issue...well, I guess things are improving a bit. I have been keeping more to myself, spending more time by myself instead of that codependent crap...he on his end has been respecting what I ask as far as his selection of movies or whatever. We've been trying to talk about things but he still wants most of the time to not talk about them. I know he's hoping that I will find a way to get over this but he doesn't enjoy me bringing it up all the time. However, we have made some progress. As far as being able to trust him, I guess I've just been trying to read the signs more than anything with his sexual intimacy with me and so far I see it improving, so I think in that arena we are getting better.
But sometimes I feel like the guy is just inhuman sometimes!
I guess I'm realizing that because neither one of us came from very solid family backgrounds that there are a lot of relationship issues that we are struggling to work through because we don't know how very well.
Like the other day, I was just having a really hard day and was just sad about having lost my trust. He came over later that evening and I wiped my tears away but then later started getting upset. He took it as since he came over I got upset and saidhe was just going to go and I told him I was upset before he even came over. He says well it seems like you're getting worse and I said no I feel like I'm getting better. First I was angry (extremely) now I'm more sad, I said something to the effect of the stages of grieving...(wow do we really have to analyze human emotion so much?). Anyway, after things getting tense a bit since it seems he doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, I was frustrated because it seems like he just wants to live life without them...however, later it got better and we talked more and he opened up more to me and I asked him some burning questions that I've slowly been wanting to ask and he does seem to be genuine...
But then...
ok so financially I am strapped tighter than a corset. I am afraid to buy anything except what is absolutely necessary. I am still a SAHM, still dependent on my x (who lost his job but finally got another one not paying as much). I can't afford the luxuries I use to have like a cell phone, or whatever...I've been saying things about how strapped I am but he hasn't known to what extent, I guess. I received some money from my parents that they said for me to use to buy a cell phone and I told him this but then realized that it's only going to have to go to bills right now. Last week he had bought a satellite radio for his car (we both love music very much) and I was a bit annoyed but also excited about it and even asked if I could use it or whatever and he was a bit stingy...(now this is a man who is supposedly wanting to spend the rest of his life with me). Now he offered to possibly get a CHEAPER one for me but I said that I couldn't really afford the monthly payment and besides I figured money was kind of tight for him too (however he did do a bill consolidation recently so has more spending room).
Still in my own mind I know my priorities and that the bills have to get paid first, I can entertain the fantasy about such luxuries as a satellite radio but in reality just know I can live without it.
So I had told him that no I can't afford to do much of anything right now (and still need a cell phone or would really like to have one with two small children).
Now in the past he has mentioned to me about getting one and putting me on his plan, but I don't push anything. I just figured if he could afford it and wanted to get me one then he would right? Wrong.
So the other day he is all excited over a PDA. He is an electronics glut and was looking at all kinds of things and figured he wanted something to help him get organized. Now I have a PDA which I offered for him to use instead of buying one, but "no, it's not windows friendly" it's not this or that or the other thing...and THIS is someone who I am SUPPOSED to be planning a future with even though our finances are separate right now. I joked to him that he is an impulsive spender (which I know he can be sometimes) and I too have been known to spend money but I know also how to live within my means.
So I both joked and said well you'd better get it all out of your system now before I take over the finances. But I also said the next day that he really shouldn't buy one. Of course I'm getting irritated that he's even thinking of doing this when he knows full well that I still am struggling to pay my bills and STILL do not have a cell phone which I would really like to have (I got a flat when I was with my kids and fortunately HAD a cell at the time, but now I am afraid if anything happens without one now that I'm totally screwed). Not only this but my 3 year old daughter has been asking me over and over for a bed (she's still sleeping in her crib cuz I haven't been able to afford a toddler bed). The other night she was almost crying saying "I ask and I ask and I ask and you don't get me a small bed Mommy!" I puther in bed and she says (fighting back tears) "you can make me one like Daddy did" (and starts pounding as if with a hammer on the side of her crib) "you can make one for me". My heart is breaking because I can't even get a freakin bed for my daughter and she's practically in tears over it because her brother has one...so I told my bf this and he did offer to take me out and try to get her something.
BUT, the next day when I called him and asked him NOT to go buy this stupid PDA he had ALREADY gone out and purchased the damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!
Now we get into another argument because I am SO ANGRY that he seems so damn CLUELESS about possibly trying to help me out sometimes...He said "well I offered to get you a radio, I offered to put you on my phone plan, I offered to take you out and get DD a bed" and I say "don't you think this is a little out of balance?" I don't push issues because I think he may not have enough to help me out but then he goes and does stuff like this? I'm not going to say "Yes, get me a cell phone, yes get me a satellite radio, yes buy my daughter a bed". I mean I'm not going to tell him it's his responsibility when it's not! But it's like he doesn't even say to himself, "well I know J really needs this and so let me just go get it" but instead he goes and buys something very expensive for himself...!!!!!!!
Also, it seems that whenever people he knows seem to need help he helps them and meanwhile when I say that my house is a tornado and I really need to clean it, it doesn't seem to mean anything. Of course, if I ASK then yes he would come over and help. He has done things around here to help me like installing a ceiling fan in my DD's bedroom and even last weekend he came over with his son while all our kids were playing and he washed my dishes and swept and mopped the floor and cleaned up the LR. But that doesn't happen very often. We all spend a lot of time together with our kids and I have more toys AND I'm not as uptight so I let them play and make a mess but it means I have a lot more to clean. AND usually when we are together in the evenings, I will make dinner for ALL of us, I take the initiative to treat even him and his son as I would my family.
That I suppose is the problem I am having is that he doesn't seem to initiate anything on his own to treat me as his partner. It's like I'm still completely independent and am just responsible for whatever. Now he did offer some things and he has helped me in the past but usually ONLY when I say something. I would expect someone who considers themselves to be my SO to anticipate the other person's needs and not just wait until they insist on them.
So last night I'm thinking that maybe he realizes where I'm coming from and might even surprise me or something (which I have RARELY known him to do, but yet on other occasions when I know he needs something I am THERE without him ever having to ask - e.g. he's been sick a few times since we were together and though I don't have much money, I went out bought him a bunch of stuff and came back and made him food, medicine and even kept his son occupied so he could lay down). But last night he decided to go over and hang out at his friends house and have a few drinks instead. Didn't call, said he drove by but all the lights were off so he didn't stop.
I am so FRUSTRATED right now! I know I can't expect him to be a mind reader but I feel like he is so self absorbed sometimes that he can't see past his nose! I am trying to think how I can MAKE people Christmas presents right now because I can't afford to buy them and he's out buying himself a new toy....or a couple of them!
Sometimes I feel like this man really is CLUELESS to being human! I mean he's not always like that he can be kind and considerate...
In the beginning of our relationship I used to absolutely bend over backwards for him and slowly I stopped doing all of that because I felt like I wasn't getting much in return. He has made effort to do some things and has bought some things for me that I needed without me asking but I feel like for the most part he's in his own CLUELESS self-absorbed world! He says I'M being selfish because he just spent a crapload of money for my bday (which he did) for US to go away and even got gifts for me, but I can't USE a trip away to pay my bills or to get something I really need like a cell phone or to buy a bed for my DD!!!!!
I am a very passionate person and in the past I was always very direct, sometimes even to a fault. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I usually have always been so direct sometimes that I've had to tone it down and realize when I'm wrong. In this relationship I have become so undirect that it's made me nuts. I have become so careful about displaying my feelings whatever they may be and have tried to be careful to know when and if I am in the wrong but I am voicing myself again. I show my love and I say so. Sometimes I feel like I have to play guessing games because he's either too proud or too insecure to let me know if he's vulnerable or if he wants something... Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a brick wall...now maybe I'm just saying that because I'm mad but I am frustrated that I feel like this! I wish I could say "why don't you pay as much attention to someone else as you do to yourself"...
Maybe I've just been too clingy so that he thinks he can just do whatever he wants and I will stay but I'm spending more time by myself. He really thinks he is right and I just don't know because so often I feel like he is so self-absorbed....I'm telling you, this relationship thing for me is like putting a fish in jello. However, "my therapist says" (anyone see Hope and faith last night? lol!) that by pushing people away when things are hard that I would be depriving myself of close relationships...I can't win.
So am I overreacting?
Edited 11/12/2005 1:58 pm ET by quirky_girl

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Actually the bed we went to see we thought was a toddler bed but wasn't, it required a special bed pad and all the other beds were really twins. We figured to just get a twin mattress which was pretty cheap and some cheap sheets with bed slats to hold it up (it's still pretty shaky) and we put it on the twin frame. We could have just gotten a toddler bed then I could have used the mattress and the sheets but it ended up costing about the same amount.
I'm at a crossroads here. I'm so frustrated with him and the way he acts sometimes. No, I can't put all his actions into translation for all of you to see but i really do feel like he thinks about himself a great deal before he thinks of other people. He puts so much effort into his own home (saying: "but what I have will be OURS one day") but fails to put any of that effort into my place (eg cutting my grass, helping me paint, or whatever)
See, he knows that my x made good money and I lived a very comfortable life and sometimes I feel like he was jealous of that life I USED to have but do not have anymore obviously. Maybe since I am still dependent on my x it makes him feel less responsibility or desire to help me out, I don't know.
However, every time I turn around he has bought himself something, a game, new shoes, something for his house, a bike rack, a BIKE (oh only about $500), a new Playstation 2, a new snowboard, + all the equipment, a new bedroom set, new speakers, window tint, the new PDA of course, new clothes, a new chiminea, a new lawnmower, movie subscription, oh and having the highest end of cable and internet connections for his HD tv with HD channels, the list goes on. I think I can count on one hand the things he has actually thought to get me. I have filled my house with furniture from hand me downs and good will, haven't bought clothes since I worked at a clothing store about 8 months ago. Not saying I'm a saint of course when I could I have bought some luxury things but can no longer afford to now and am wondering if I'm going to be able to buy toilet paper.
I'm tired of having so much going on in my life (my mother is getting very sick again) and most of the time he seems to not want to hear about my problems and says he has so much to deal with...
I'm almost to my wits end here and feel like Ihave kind of blinded myself to the fact that he is very self-centered, which of course would explain ALL the behaviors I have been frustrated with.
What sucks is that I have invested so much time, effort, emotion and love into this relationship. I do love him and I almost wish I DIDN'T right now! I want to be with him but I know there is no way of making him grow up. Even at times I am frustrated because his tastes are somewhat juvenile at times, his choice of tv shows, playing video games all the time (I don't HATE tv or video games but his choices seem juvenile to me at times and his excessive interest in them makes me upset).
I do feel like I am asking him to change too much, more so than he will be able to. I know he is not happy because I am making him miserable by all the actions he is doing to make me miserable. Sometimes things go without a hitch and we're getting along great but then there's something else about him that just makes me nuts...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I haven't loved any of the people before who were very thoughtful of me and here I have someone like this who I AM in love with! Am I that STUPID??
I don't know what to do! Break up? Take a break from the relationship? Talk to him about this knowing he will be upset and knowing he may consider it but may just revert to his old self...???!!! Relationships are SO frustrating!
The only thing I wouldn't do is talk to him about it.
Okay. I understand a little better now.
And I'm not trying to be a booger, so bear with me. If you agreed to go this route, and didn't have him insist on it after you voiced disagreement, then why are you upset? I know why you are upset with his attitude, I mean just about the bed itself?
Jen
It sounds like you are expecting this guy to deny himself personal things that the money he has worked for affords him in an effort to keep you in the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.
That lifestyle went away and it obviously will not be reestablished with this guy.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
to everyone who's interested:
Right now we are sort of engaged. I have a ring he made, but not an engagement ring. (he can't afford it...ha ha...but can afford so many other things...) We have planned on getting married. No date is set but we have spoken about when we are going to try to buy a home or get a place together and with his spending habits that will be nowhere in the near future.
He has come to expect at times for me to treat him as my H by the actions I had already started doing a long time ago. when I felt taken advantage of I slowed and pretty much stopped but have gotten slack because of it.
He comes over my house often when he has his son or invites me over and I usually do make dinner because that's a small way of saying that I don't mind doing that for you because though we aren't married, I consider him and his son my family.
I have purchased items for his son's room when he moved in and was decorating it. I've spent money, and lots and lots of it, on buying things for him which he said he would pay me back for but never has. Or just doing little things, which I really used to do often. He mentions doing things for me to help me out but for the most part never does.
We have spoken and I thought had come to an understanding of who would do what around the house, in the relationship and though we're not living together there have been attempts to try to do that, at times he mentions things but usually never follows through. (as far as helping me out) I have given him so much in so many ways and I feel like he just takes from me and is so concerned sometimes with his own image or status or whatever that he forgets about anyone else.
Honestly guys, we aren't living together but it's more circumstantial than anything and right now from what's been spoken we are in a committed relationship and are supposed to be planning our future but I don't see much effort on his part to do that. I don't think how he's acting is appropriate for where we're at in this relationship. I think something is going to have to give here...
>>Seriously, if I was dating someone and they pointed out that I bought some new clothes and a new camera and took my dd out to eat and why was I at least not saving all this money or spending it on them... I'd probably dump them on the spot<<
Yes, I'd also dump a boyfriend on the spot if they criticised my spending habits. Your thoughts on how he should spend his own money are unreasonable and your email was unacceptable. It's HIS money. He earns it and he can spend it how he likes. If you were married, it would be a different story...but you're not.
Quirky Girl, being as that you are behaving in a manner which many of us would find unacceptable in a partner, I'm wondering if you are unconsciously trying to sabotage your relationship? Perhaps if you act badly enough, he will end the relationship and then you won't have to make the decision?
It's a ploy that has been used many times throughout history.
I don't agree and if anyone is going to end the relationship it will be me.
When I tell him my account is seriously overdrawn, I can hardly afford to pay my phone bill (or any other bills for that matter), I think it is downright selfish to be in a relationship with someone you say you want to spend the rest of your life with but decide to go buy a video game or some other piece of equipment instead of thinking about your SO. If he told me he was in my spot and I decided to go clothes shopping instead of considering that he might need groceries to feed his son, I would feel ashamed of myself. If I was financially secure (as I was before and he was struggling) I would jump (as I did) to make sure he had things he needed. He even said he didn't think he would have enough to celebrate much of a Christmas with his son last year, so I went out got a tree, bought ornaments, tinsel and lights and put it in his apt so he and his son would come home, find it and could decorate it together. When he has needed work clothes because he didn't have much, I bought them for him.
So when I tell him I can't go to my best friend's house to celebrate an important birthday for her because my account is overdrawn, I can hardly afford to pay my house bills, I can't afford a lawnmower so I have to pay the local boy to do it when I can afford it, I can hardly afford to put clothes on my children's backs because they have grown and my fridge is completely empty because I can't afford to buy much and am emptying my pantry to find things for us to eat, and the check that my parents sent to me for my b-day which was to be used for something that I would have wanted but instead has to be directly deposited because my account is literally negative by hundreds of dollars...then for him to go out and purchase clothes, a new PDA, a new game for his PS2, a cd, a new satellite radio and whatever else I don't know about, then I think that seems incredibly selfish when I have not treated him that way when he was in bad financial shape.
>>if anyone is going to end the relationship it will be me<<
Why do you think that he's incapable of ending the relationship?
If you are looking for a man who counts favours and repays them accordingly, then you are with the wrong guy.
STOP telling him what you perceive to be his faults and stop trying to change him. He is who he is, and nothing you say will ever change him long term. Sure, you may manage to guilt him into short term change, but it won't last.
You seem to be in love with a dream of who he could be if he did things your way. But he's not that man. He is the man who is standing in front of you right now.
Accept him as is or move on.
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