Who is right/Who is wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Who is right/Who is wrong?
44
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:18am

Ok all, you're not through with me yet...!

Lately as far as the trust issue...well, I guess things are improving a bit. I have been keeping more to myself, spending more time by myself instead of that codependent crap...he on his end has been respecting what I ask as far as his selection of movies or whatever. We've been trying to talk about things but he still wants most of the time to not talk about them. I know he's hoping that I will find a way to get over this but he doesn't enjoy me bringing it up all the time. However, we have made some progress. As far as being able to trust him, I guess I've just been trying to read the signs more than anything with his sexual intimacy with me and so far I see it improving, so I think in that arena we are getting better.

But sometimes I feel like the guy is just inhuman sometimes!

I guess I'm realizing that because neither one of us came from very solid family backgrounds that there are a lot of relationship issues that we are struggling to work through because we don't know how very well.

Like the other day, I was just having a really hard day and was just sad about having lost my trust. He came over later that evening and I wiped my tears away but then later started getting upset. He took it as since he came over I got upset and saidhe was just going to go and I told him I was upset before he even came over. He says well it seems like you're getting worse and I said no I feel like I'm getting better. First I was angry (extremely) now I'm more sad, I said something to the effect of the stages of grieving...(wow do we really have to analyze human emotion so much?). Anyway, after things getting tense a bit since it seems he doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, I was frustrated because it seems like he just wants to live life without them...however, later it got better and we talked more and he opened up more to me and I asked him some burning questions that I've slowly been wanting to ask and he does seem to be genuine...

But then...

ok so financially I am strapped tighter than a corset. I am afraid to buy anything except what is absolutely necessary. I am still a SAHM, still dependent on my x (who lost his job but finally got another one not paying as much). I can't afford the luxuries I use to have like a cell phone, or whatever...I've been saying things about how strapped I am but he hasn't known to what extent, I guess. I received some money from my parents that they said for me to use to buy a cell phone and I told him this but then realized that it's only going to have to go to bills right now. Last week he had bought a satellite radio for his car (we both love music very much) and I was a bit annoyed but also excited about it and even asked if I could use it or whatever and he was a bit stingy...(now this is a man who is supposedly wanting to spend the rest of his life with me). Now he offered to possibly get a CHEAPER one for me but I said that I couldn't really afford the monthly payment and besides I figured money was kind of tight for him too (however he did do a bill consolidation recently so has more spending room).
Still in my own mind I know my priorities and that the bills have to get paid first, I can entertain the fantasy about such luxuries as a satellite radio but in reality just know I can live without it.

So I had told him that no I can't afford to do much of anything right now (and still need a cell phone or would really like to have one with two small children).

Now in the past he has mentioned to me about getting one and putting me on his plan, but I don't push anything. I just figured if he could afford it and wanted to get me one then he would right? Wrong.

So the other day he is all excited over a PDA. He is an electronics glut and was looking at all kinds of things and figured he wanted something to help him get organized. Now I have a PDA which I offered for him to use instead of buying one, but "no, it's not windows friendly" it's not this or that or the other thing...and THIS is someone who I am SUPPOSED to be planning a future with even though our finances are separate right now. I joked to him that he is an impulsive spender (which I know he can be sometimes) and I too have been known to spend money but I know also how to live within my means.

So I both joked and said well you'd better get it all out of your system now before I take over the finances. But I also said the next day that he really shouldn't buy one. Of course I'm getting irritated that he's even thinking of doing this when he knows full well that I still am struggling to pay my bills and STILL do not have a cell phone which I would really like to have (I got a flat when I was with my kids and fortunately HAD a cell at the time, but now I am afraid if anything happens without one now that I'm totally screwed). Not only this but my 3 year old daughter has been asking me over and over for a bed (she's still sleeping in her crib cuz I haven't been able to afford a toddler bed). The other night she was almost crying saying "I ask and I ask and I ask and you don't get me a small bed Mommy!" I puther in bed and she says (fighting back tears) "you can make me one like Daddy did" (and starts pounding as if with a hammer on the side of her crib) "you can make one for me". My heart is breaking because I can't even get a freakin bed for my daughter and she's practically in tears over it because her brother has one...so I told my bf this and he did offer to take me out and try to get her something.

BUT, the next day when I called him and asked him NOT to go buy this stupid PDA he had ALREADY gone out and purchased the damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Now we get into another argument because I am SO ANGRY that he seems so damn CLUELESS about possibly trying to help me out sometimes...He said "well I offered to get you a radio, I offered to put you on my phone plan, I offered to take you out and get DD a bed" and I say "don't you think this is a little out of balance?" I don't push issues because I think he may not have enough to help me out but then he goes and does stuff like this? I'm not going to say "Yes, get me a cell phone, yes get me a satellite radio, yes buy my daughter a bed". I mean I'm not going to tell him it's his responsibility when it's not! But it's like he doesn't even say to himself, "well I know J really needs this and so let me just go get it" but instead he goes and buys something very expensive for himself...!!!!!!!

Also, it seems that whenever people he knows seem to need help he helps them and meanwhile when I say that my house is a tornado and I really need to clean it, it doesn't seem to mean anything. Of course, if I ASK then yes he would come over and help. He has done things around here to help me like installing a ceiling fan in my DD's bedroom and even last weekend he came over with his son while all our kids were playing and he washed my dishes and swept and mopped the floor and cleaned up the LR. But that doesn't happen very often. We all spend a lot of time together with our kids and I have more toys AND I'm not as uptight so I let them play and make a mess but it means I have a lot more to clean. AND usually when we are together in the evenings, I will make dinner for ALL of us, I take the initiative to treat even him and his son as I would my family.

That I suppose is the problem I am having is that he doesn't seem to initiate anything on his own to treat me as his partner. It's like I'm still completely independent and am just responsible for whatever. Now he did offer some things and he has helped me in the past but usually ONLY when I say something. I would expect someone who considers themselves to be my SO to anticipate the other person's needs and not just wait until they insist on them.

So last night I'm thinking that maybe he realizes where I'm coming from and might even surprise me or something (which I have RARELY known him to do, but yet on other occasions when I know he needs something I am THERE without him ever having to ask - e.g. he's been sick a few times since we were together and though I don't have much money, I went out bought him a bunch of stuff and came back and made him food, medicine and even kept his son occupied so he could lay down). But last night he decided to go over and hang out at his friends house and have a few drinks instead. Didn't call, said he drove by but all the lights were off so he didn't stop.

I am so FRUSTRATED right now! I know I can't expect him to be a mind reader but I feel like he is so self absorbed sometimes that he can't see past his nose! I am trying to think how I can MAKE people Christmas presents right now because I can't afford to buy them and he's out buying himself a new toy....or a couple of them!

Sometimes I feel like this man really is CLUELESS to being human! I mean he's not always like that he can be kind and considerate...
In the beginning of our relationship I used to absolutely bend over backwards for him and slowly I stopped doing all of that because I felt like I wasn't getting much in return. He has made effort to do some things and has bought some things for me that I needed without me asking but I feel like for the most part he's in his own CLUELESS self-absorbed world! He says I'M being selfish because he just spent a crapload of money for my bday (which he did) for US to go away and even got gifts for me, but I can't USE a trip away to pay my bills or to get something I really need like a cell phone or to buy a bed for my DD!!!!!

I am a very passionate person and in the past I was always very direct, sometimes even to a fault. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I usually have always been so direct sometimes that I've had to tone it down and realize when I'm wrong. In this relationship I have become so undirect that it's made me nuts. I have become so careful about displaying my feelings whatever they may be and have tried to be careful to know when and if I am in the wrong but I am voicing myself again. I show my love and I say so. Sometimes I feel like I have to play guessing games because he's either too proud or too insecure to let me know if he's vulnerable or if he wants something... Sometimes I feel like I'm dating a brick wall...now maybe I'm just saying that because I'm mad but I am frustrated that I feel like this! I wish I could say "why don't you pay as much attention to someone else as you do to yourself"...

Maybe I've just been too clingy so that he thinks he can just do whatever he wants and I will stay but I'm spending more time by myself. He really thinks he is right and I just don't know because so often I feel like he is so self-absorbed....I'm telling you, this relationship thing for me is like putting a fish in jello. However, "my therapist says" (anyone see Hope and faith last night? lol!) that by pushing people away when things are hard that I would be depriving myself of close relationships...I can't win.
So am I overreacting?




Edited 11/12/2005 1:58 pm ET by quirky_girl

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:06pm

From an email/song he sent me recently -

You see in all my life I've never found
What I couldn't resist, what I couldn't turn down.
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew,
But I can't walk away from you.

I have never had anything have this much control on me.
I've worked too hard to call my life my own.
And I've made myself a world, and it's worked so perfectly,
But it sure won't now, I can't refuse,
I've never had so much to lose.
And I'm shameless...

You know it should be easy for a man who's strong
To say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong.
I've never lost anything I ever missed,
But I've never been in love like this.
It's out of my hands.

We've both agreed that he's often too proud or stubborn to admit when he's wrong about something. His initial reaction is always defensiveness until he actually THINKS about things.

No matter how many times we've said "it's over", with him, it's never been true. One time I told him we should break up and actually left, he called me the next morning.

I know this may be coming from left field and I don't want it to come out wrong but it makes me wonder...sometimes I wonder if having me is more like a reward for him or having a trophy than actually wanting a relationship and loving someone. He likes his friends to see me or to be seen with me in public, has said I'm the "best he ever had" and the best looking person he's ever been with. He tells people about me and my looks but it's like when he actually considers ME as a person, it's almost like I wonder where I'M really at in this relationship, like I kind of go along with perfecting his image but as far as dealing with me as a real person, I sometimes feel like I'm not even there...and he tries to make attempts to keep me (he's even said that he treats me like sh*t, of course some things have somewhat changed since then but those words came from his mouth). It really scares me that sometimes I feel like I'm a companion who is "lots of fun and will look good to everyone but when it comes time to deal with J and her emotions or issues...I'm outta here..."(until he realizes he doesn't want to lose me) then says he'll do this or that but then it lasts about a whole 2 or 3 days...

I know I just have to make a decision.




Edited 11/15/2005 5:29 pm ET by quirky_girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:01pm

I can't deal...
I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. (no not really)

My mother is a schizophrenic/manic-depressive and in just a matter of a couple of weeks she has gone completely downhill. I know this is not related to the topic but I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack.

She has been in a relatively zombie-like state for several years because of the high med dosage but is beginning to act completely manic again and no one else will do anything so it falls in my lap to make sure she is taken care of even though she lives 4 hours away with all my other family.

And DD's ceiling is caving in even more cuz of rain and there's buckets to catch the drips...(was supposed to be taken care of but hasn't happened yet).

Sorry for whining...life's heavy right now...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:53pm

I'm sorry about your mother, that has to be very hard to cope with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 11:24pm

You need to see your therapist. If you don't have an appointment already scheduled for tomorrow (or the next day, but really tomorrow is best) call her, tell her you're in crisis and get in. You have too much going on, you're focusing on your boyfriend issue (probably subconsciously to avoid focusing on your mother) but your mother's condition is going downhill which demands attention. You need to see your therapist. No, I don't think you're having a nervous breakdown, I don't think your suicidal but I do see that you are in crisis and you truly, really, honestly need to see your therapist. Please, please, please, make the call and see her within the next 48 hours.


When you do, some of this will fall into place for you, some of it will stop being such a serious problem and focus and you'll not be in the condition you're in. Make the call Quirky, you need to.


Come back and tell us it's been made, then come back again after you've seen her and let us know how you're doing.







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