Whose rights, what rights?
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Whose rights, what rights?
| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:18am |
In the middle of an argument my wife threw out the comment "I have no rights in this home!"
My question is, what rights can she be referring to? What rights does one have or should one have in a home or household? I don't consider myself an idiot but would find it difficult to enumerate what I could view as "rights" in a family.
Please supply your answers gently and without animosity, remember, I'm a man, and as such, claim ignorance as to some of the finer workings of a relationship.

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OK, I think I get it. You're saying that a statement about "rights" is more about a perception of not being listened to or having opinions valued.
I think I do listen to her. But will agree that when we disagree I do not acknowledge immediately that her idea "wins". I need time to think things through.
any suggestions?
I have read and re-read
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Henry,
I don't have a suggestion just yet, just a couple of questions if you would humor me please.
Is your wife's level of communication equal to yours? Meaning, does she have the same ability to label her emotions and articulate her cognitive processes?
And...do you respond to her with the same academic and even sterile responses as you do here or is this just information gathering mode for you here?
Okay...forgive me...that was more than a couple of questions ;-)
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
>>OK, I think I get it. You're saying that a statement about "rights" is more about a perception of not being listened to or having opinions valued. <<
yes, exactly.
>>I think I do listen to her. But will agree that when we disagree I do not acknowledge immediately that her idea "wins". I need time to think things through.<<
My husband and I don't always acknowledge a 'win' either. Sometimes one of us will say "hey, that sounds like a great idea" and do what the other suggested but at other times, it's not so straight forward.
Sometimes neither of us likes the other person's idea. So, if he doesn't like my plan A and I don't like his plan B, instead of battling it out - we find plan C. Or D or E or however many different ideas it takes to find something that will make us both happy. We use this theory with anything from house hunting to curtain choosing. If we find something that I don't like, I can veto the choice. Likewise, my husband can do the same. So, we just keep looking at different things till we find something we both like.
Lastly, there are some issues that aren't worth fighting about. My DH wanted to buy a BIG television for the Football World Cup this year and I saw no need for a new one when our old one was working fine. I tried to find plan C or D, but he wouldn't negotiate. I realised that this is important to him and simply not worth getting upset over. Sometimes, it's better to say "well, if it's important to you....". I can think of a handful of occaisions when he's done this for me too - so it's not a one way street of me giving in all the time.
This is just my humble opinion but I think that everyone has a different view of what their rights are. When your wife said that she has no rights, I highly doubt she felt trapped in your relationship or felt repressed. I think she was frustrated and thought she wasn't being heard. I know that I have had that feeling before and it is very frustrating. You have said that you state your opinions very strongly. Maybe because she doesn't state her opinions as strongly, she feels she gets overpowered by you?? I cannot say exactly what was going on in your wife's head when she said these things...only she can tell you that. But, I do think people are going a little too deeply into this whole statement that your wife made. I don't think she was making some big declaration about how she feels about the marriage. I think she was just frustrated thinking her ideas weren't getting across to you. This is a cycle....she says to you, "you never listen"....you get frustrated by that so you actually stop listening and then she feels all over again that you don't listen. I think the best thing for you to do is tell her how you are really trying to listen to her opinion but it is hard for you when she keeps telling you that you aren't doing it.
If your wife is saying to you, "you never listen" she doesn't literally mean that you have NEVER listened. It is just an expression she is using. Obviously you do listen to her but at the time, she is not feeling like you are hearing her. You need to keep her on track and I think a way to do that is to let her know that you can't do anything about what happened before but you will try to listen to her now. I think reassuring her that you are hearing what she is saying and also validating those feelings is important. Tell her you understand where she is coming from.
The one right that I feel like I deserve in my marriage is respect. I feel like if my husband respects me, not only as his wife but also as a human being, all of the other rights I feel are important will fall into place.
Well, you didn't respond at all to the advice about reading the book recommended to you or about going to counseling....both are still at the top on my recommendation list to you.
I felt the need to add some more thoughts/observations. I believe that every relationship problem involves two people; so it is useful to try and understand how you BOTH contribute to the dynamics that develop between the two people. Your posting seemed mostly about her problems and how she creates the problems you are living now. I think it is more beneficial for you to look at your own behavior and how it is contributing to that same dynamic. Because really, your behavior is all that you can change in order to hope to affect a greater change between the two of you. You can't change her. So, in that spirit, I hope you don't find my observations/speculations/etc offensive.
Initially, I wrote something on one of my earlier responses about, what seemed to me, was your need to gather information to go back and continue your argument - so that you could win that fight. I erased it out of fear of offending you (and thus close your mind to any of my other points). No offense meant, but the things you have written came across to me as though you have a greater desire to win the argument than your desire to understand what your wife was really upset about so that the two of you can have peace. In more simple terms...you don't seem to really have a desire to find peace with her so much as a desire to win the argument. By win the argument I mean you want her to see how what she is feeling is wrong...you want to fix the problem by having her understand how what she is feeling is unreasonable. So even if you get her to see that (your win), you actually lose.
With that said, I repeat your own words and maybe you can see if there is truth in your need to win also:
::YOU WROTE::Her desire for immediate responses, for winning an argument, may cloud her perception that she is actually getting what she asked for.
Your desire to win an argument may also cloud your perception as well. Is your desire to win and be correct more important to you than making your wife feel happy, secure, fulfilled, etc? Don't answer me, but look within yourself for your own truth.
With zero doubt on my part.....both of you are contributing to your situation. Learning more about communication styles, difference between men and woman in general and differences between the two of you will all help (whether you do it or you both do it together). So will counseling. So will being perfectly clear on what it is that you do or don't do or how you fight with her or how you listen to her or whatever that is causing her to feel as though she 'doesn't have any rights'.
::YOU WRITE:: back away from the argument because I see it as unresolvable.
I really think you are saying 'un-winable' vs. irresolvable. Every discussion has a resolution of peace that is available. You have the choice ever single time to find a resolution that causes peace and harmony between the two of you. Yet, it seems to me you'd rather win than find that resolution.
This is the part of what you wrote, that made me feel as though I needed to respond to you again:
::YOU WROTE::Feelings, as you know, are subjective. Because my wife may feel disenfranchised or repressed doesn't mean it is actually so.
I have to disagree with you here. I think you have it backwards.
Because your wife feels disenfranchised or repressed makes it so. Because she feels the way she does, that makes it so. It becomes so - whether or not whatever happened to make her feel that way is reasonable.
When your wife (read the book because it is actually most woman) says the things she does in a fight; when she expresses the frustrations she is feeling she isn't looking for you to solve what is causing those feelings...she is looking to you to show that you understand what she is feeling. She is looking for your support and understanding - not a solution. You are looking for a solution to the problem.
One of your solutions is simply to dismiss how she feels. Look what you wrote...because she feels something doesn't make it so. Because she feels something it makes it so. When she tells you she is feeling something and you discount her very RIGHT to feel the way she does as not being appropriate you are throwing fuel on the fire. Now she becomes wrong for feeling what she does and that can never be wrong.
So, there you have it: SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO FEEL WHAT SHE FEELS.
Because she feels what she does it is actually so. It is her reality, even if it is irrational to you.
If you change and attempt to understand what it is she is feeling (make it your objective, rather than winning the argument) everything about how you fight will change on a dime. Stop trying to win and show her how she is wrong for feeling the way she does and just show her you understand how she feels and you will find that you 'win' almost every single time.
The only response I hope to get back from you is that you are leaving to buy the book recommended to you by a number of people that responded to you. GL.
Edited 11/15/2006 12:49 pm ET by lled2
Henry, reading through your responses, I think I'm understanding what your wife means. To recap what I'm assembling: You say that the difficulties come when there is a difference of opinion. You say that you are strong in giving your opinion on everything and anything. You say that your wife says always and never, and that she wants rights.
I think what she wants is to have her position/input/opinion/suggestion/idea/viewpoint matter. It sounds as if she may feel that your input "always" outweighs hers and she "never" has the right to have her input hold it's ground.
It might help if you recognize that your communication is overpowering her and she feels dominated by you. It would be great if you could make a point to consider, value, and use her input without interjecting yours at times. Do you ever say "that's a great idea," or "I didn't know that," or "I see your point," or "you're right, let's do it"?
Just a thought...
I mean rights can mean so many things to alot of us as we all think diffrently?
I think your wife is saying what she feels and standing by her words and that she has all rights and you have none and well it really seems like she has control over you cause you seem to ask us what we can't help you with If you really need answers then just ask her after all you are married to her and you should be communicating and if you are not then that is a problem in it self?
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