Why am I so confused/hurt?
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| Fri, 01-20-2006 - 2:54pm |
Hi all! This is my first time posting on this board but I thought it might be just the place for my current predicament.. This will be long so bear w/me..
My husband and I have been married 3 years, together for 5. We have a soon to be 3 yo son and 1 yo daughter.. My husband has a great job with a really sucessful company and about 6 mo. ago his company needed someone to fill a position in one of their overseas offices.. Hubby volunteered for this so that we could benefit financially from a tax free income and other monitary incentives that go along with the position.. The contract is for a year but every fall his company gives out what is called "family packages" and this is where an employee can bring his family out there overseas to live with him.. The company pays to move us and pays for us to rent a house and even buy a car.. they basically give you a lump sum so that you may do these things and that sum is sizeable.. Since hubby arrived too late to put in for a family package we have to wait until October to get one and then the kids and I will be joining him.. This is my background information.. now to my issue..
So I've been away from hubby since July and he's only been to visit once, for thanksgiving and that was for two weeks.. he's coming again at the end of Feb. for the kids birthdays and that is only for 1 1/2 weeks.. From there I won't be seeing him again until July.. and even then I'll have to wait until Oct. til we're together again.. The first 3 months being apart we were in contact all the time.. It was really hard adjusting to his absence but I've tried not to make a big deal of it since it WAS a decision we made.. no one forced us into this.. I missed him a lot but honestly I didn't cry too much.. lately however, we've been having an on going battle about our communication and I find myself depressed and crying everyday..
My problem is that I'm not happy with our communication.. lately it seems as if he's apathetic and unenthusiastic about talking to me.. We do talk everyday though, this I cannot deny.. we email and phone at least once a day. But I do love hearing his voice everyday, that's what gets me through.. it's just lately he's been balking and basically telling me I'm nagging him.. that I want to talk on the phone for hours on end and I want him to hole himself up in his room.. He says he doesn't like talking on phones and that on his days off (he gets three days off a week) that we can talk for no more than an hour on the phone.. that's all I get.. And it saddens me that he wants to put such a restriction on that.. I am not saying I need hours of talk time but I don't want to be restricted if we're having a good conversation or if I happen to have a lot to tell him.. He mostly just cuts me off if there's a little bit of a lull.. He says he doesn't like having to hear about all the sounds of our house and the kids in the background that he wants to go keep himself occupied so he's not so depressed.. He's a computer geek so he works on all his techie stuff.. he has a roommate that he really gets along with so he hangs out with him alot and he's taken up guitar too.. I don't complain about any of these things.. I think it's good for him to have hobbies but I just find it insulting when he tells me he wants to get off the phone to go do other things..
It's just, I consider this separation as a chance to get creative with our relationship.. I know we've been together for awhile but I feel there is more to be learned about eachother and I try to elict thoughts/information out of him about himself but he seems as if he's content with how we are.. like he has me all figured out already.. this too depresses me.. the phone is the only tangible part I have of him and I know it's not possible or fair to be on the phone all the time but it makes me feel better just to get the chance to have a good talk to him.. However, all we've been doing is arguing about our differences in opinion on this subject.. we get into fights about it all the time and it's really wearing on both of us.. He's suggested that we do the phone 1-2 hours every day he's off and that when he's at work we email and he'll give me a short call (which he's not really supposed to do, but sneaks one out anyway, which I am appreciative of.. I never bug him about these issues while he's working..). This is where the confusing part for me comes in.. His suggestions don't sound unreasonable to me but I still find myself being unsatisfied.. Maybe it's because I don't feel he tries hard enough to make decent conversation of maybe I just feel unimportant by his getting off the phone with me to go do his hobbies or make new friends.. (He says he's making these friends so that when I get there we have people to hang out with.. all these friends are guys with wives/girlfriends, so they admittedly are the kind of people I'd agree to having friendships with.. no single people). I also feel like he's not terribly romantic.. I mean, he never really has been but I thought being long distance that he'd put in extra effort to help us get closer and more intimate.. we both agree that we want to work on these areas in our relationship but since the holidays I can't really tell ya he's been trying too hard with that.. I on the other hand send him care packages with all his personal requests (his movies, toiletries and such) but I always include a little something special in them.. I must have sent one every month since he's left.. the only romantic thing he's done is buy me my standmixer that I've been wanting ever since college.. he also bought me a nice pumpkin loaf pan and cookie decorating accessories, that was random but that's about it.. I send him ecards, love letters (sealed, with the kiss of course), his favorite drinks/snacks, new cd's & movies and other little odds and ends that I think he'd enjoy.. I even made hotel and restaurant reservations when he came to visit and "dressed up" for him as well (I was also mad because it took me so long to get ready and all my hard work went to waste in about 30 seconds.. LoL). But more seriously I just feel like I'm always on the look out for little romantic ideas and he's got nothin'.. He tells me he has something planned for his visit but we'll see about that..
This is really long though, so I think I'm gonna cut it right now.. There are a handful of other issues but they too basically stem from his lack of romanticism.. I'll be back to update on his alleged "plans" though.. Thanks for any input.. I just feel so confused and he makes me feel that I'm being unreasonable.. maybe I am but all I really want is some enthusiasm.. I just love and miss him SO MUCH! When I'm on the phone with him I don't want to constantly be looking at the clock wondering when he's gonna get tired of talking.. I'd rather focus on making a good conversation.. Anyway, that's my story.. and I don't want to stick to it! LoL.. Thanks for reading!
-Krystal

Krystal,
I don't see where either one of you are bad or wrong or anything like that. I see where it's a basic man/woman difference. I know that most men I've ever talked to on the phone don't do well "making up" chitchat. It could be that he feels he's doing that. And it could be annoying to him to feel like he has to create something to talk about because you want him to. He could also feel rather helpless to help you feel better and not want to be stuck in that situation, so getting off the phone is just easier. He could be thinking that there is nothing he can do to help you miss him less when it comes to phone convo's. And if men can't fix a problem then they really don't like dealing with it.
About the mail and little things, have you told him that getting mail from him would help you not miss him so much and make you not as needy when it comes to phone time? that might spark something there. Or just a simple -- I feel down sometimes and getting surprises in the mail is something I want. I don't think he's purposefully dissing you, I just don't think he's thinking about it.
Being apart for a year is going to be very hard. My sister was a military wife and had to deal with deployments and such quite a bit. The trick is to STAY BUSY. Get a hobby, get a part-time job, get friends who don't have a DH around.... But start DOING things. I know you have 2 small kids, so find yourself a couple of good sitters. If you get busy the time will go faster and you won't be near as down and consumed with missing him. Being a mom of small kids, I know how much time you have to sit and wish DH was there with you. It's going to drive you nuts. What do you love to do? What would you like to learn to do? Join a few groups, whether it be scrapbooking, pottery class, etc or go and get a job that would be just FUN. But don't sit and want your DH to be as miserable missing you as you are missing him. It sounds like he's trying to keep himself busy in very appropriate ways and you need to do the same.
Good luck and please let us know what the surprise is. :)
Jen
HEre's all that I hear.....
That you two in marriage on a daily basis have more of a habit of dealing with the business side of the marriage - more than the romantic aspect.
In short, you're busy raising kids, paying bills, handling details, doing chores, taking careof responsiblities and conveying messages and making decisions.
So when yu're apart...there isn't alot to say - as there is no commonality in your activities of the day to resolve, involve, communicate, or solve together.
So becuase you're stuck ehre with the kids, waiting on this package...what you're finding out is a great deal of your "involvement in life' has been vicariously thru him. YOu want to hear about his day, his problems, his thoughts, feelings, concerns.........and you have little to involve in that is yours - that doesn't involve him or motherhood or housework.
So now you're wnating him to "romance" you from across an ocean........how realistic is that? Was he romantic while on this side of the ocean? And did that romance if it existed get demonstrated in actions or in words?
Because basically what you're needing is the "fix of a daily life" - because you have little going on that doesn't involve and require him.....now that he's over there, you're bored to tears with just obligation and requirement, while in a state of limbo waiting for life with him to resume and all the hustle and bustle of taking care of details and living vicariously thru him, and th ekids.
Wha the's experiencing, if this is correct, is RELIEF...in huge proportions. With distance, there is no way to drop what he's doing and rush to your side every time you have a feeling or a thought or a dilemma. HE can't be there to produce your feeilngs, or fix them.......and it's SUCH A RELIEF.
He probably didn't realize how much of his life-force energy was spent involved in "creating a life for you, fixing the feelings because of the life situations hecreated, etc. etc. etc."
So he has little say - he's just relieved that your problems aren't his to resolve or fix, so he doesn't want to involve in them and be bogged down in guilt and upset as a result of not being able to fulfill his "traditional role"......while realizing waht a relief it is not to have that obligation hanging over his head.
NOT that he odesn't want you and the kids...he does...but it's just such a taxing and overwhelming obligation to be responsible for someone's thoughts, feeilngs, words, ideas, desires, anxieties, frustrations, resentments, angers, and fears...and have to fix, eliminate, alleviate, or cause them....he just didn't realize he was putting all that energy and focus into that - until he doesn't have to.
And he's in a foreign country -where that energy and effort is now being put into establishing himself at this location of the company, learning the standards and habits of the new community and country, perhaps learning a language.
So now that effort and energy is being put to produce an effort - rather than spin around on a wheel.....and he's finding it's infinitely more enjoyable to produce something - toher than stress - with his time and energy.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Since your husband volunteered to take this spot that his company needed filled, aren't they willing to make some adjustments as well and offer up a family package, or at least a partial family package to get you over there sooner? Most companies are willing to make some changes under circumstances like that. If you haven't looked into it, I would absolutely check with their human resources department to see if that's not possible.
I agree that you should be insulted that your husband puts a time limit to your calls and tells you he wants to get off the phone to do other things. It's pretty easy to see what's going on here, he's got a vacation -- free time, no responsibility, like he's back to being single. You, on the other hand are at home, straddled with all the responsibility, the kids, the house, and it's a lot. You may get out to work a few days a week and you may get time out for some down time (and that's very important), but you're still the one who has to arrange it all, get the kids up and ready, get them to daycare and you're the one who has the full responsibility when you get home. Not only that, but those days that you stay home, and those hours that you're home with the kids alone make you starving for adult conversation. You have a real need to talk to him, he needs to understand that and listen. Hasn't he ever been home with the kids alone for a full day and more? Doesn't he have a clue what it's like to be in your shoes? Curious here, did he insist on the daycare before he left or after? Quite frankly, his dislike for hearing about what's going on at home says he's not feeling responsible as a father or a husband, and he's not feeling at all guilty about the full load of responsibility you've got. He should want to hear what's going on, he should want to offer his thoughts, suggestions, offer his support, sympathy, etc. Yes, he's a long ways away and can't really help, but he's distancing himself and he's loving every minute of it too. On that issue I would have a very long and serious conversation with him about the load you're carrying, his responsibility and the fact that he should want to hear what's happening and whether he wants to or not, he should listen as long as you have something to say to him. When you said, "This is where the confusing part for me comes in.. His suggestions don't sound unreasonable to me but I still find myself being unsatisfied.. " are you talking about his suggestion to limit your calls? If that's what you mean, you're unsatisfied because while in a normal setting his suggestion isn't unreasonable, but your situation is far from normal and limiting calls doesn't fit the very real and understandable needs that you have. A few things you said that I have a problem with....
"that I want to talk on the phone for hours on end and I want him to hole himself up in his room.." Is that what he says, that you want him to hole up in his room? If so, I would be more than a little offended and angry at that. Here you are at home carrying the full load of care of his two kids and he's off free to do whatever he wants for months at a time, accusing you of wanting him to hole up in his room? Gee, wouldn't you love the chance to have a little time to yourself like he has? His comment is more than a little offensive and self righteous.
"He says he doesn't like talking on phones and that on his days off (he gets three days off a week) that we can talk for no more than an hour on the phone.. that's all I get.."Again, I say, gee, it's too bad he doesn't like talking on the phone. Meanwhile, you don't like taking care of the full load at home by yourself. What's a bigger bother, being solely responsible for everything or talking on the phone daily? Gimme a break.
"...it saddens me that he wants to put such a restriction on that.."And it should sadden you. It should also anger you. This is supposed to be a partnership, right? Why is he calling all the shots here, why aren't you telling him what you need, what you expect, instead of letting him tell you how long you'll talk, if you can call, and basically trying to guilt trip you into feeling like you're intruding on his time. What about your time??? The whole premise of him socializing to cultivate friendships for when you get there honestly sounds pathetic. Gee, thanks, honey. You go out and have fun "for us" while I stay home and deal with the entire load. It sounds like an attempt to justify his going out and having fun, putting it in a way that sounds like he's not just out having fun. Please. Honestly now, how can he find friends for you? That's something you really have to do yourself. He may find people he enjoys but there's no way you can know if you'll be friends with their wives and girlfriends until you actually get to know the wives and girlfriends yourself. I think you're having a hard time with all of this because it's pretty hard to swallow. I think you don't really buy it, but you don't want to believe it is what it really is.
I do think your expectations that being long distance would make an otherwise unromantic guy romantic were unrealistic. Being apart isn't going to change his personality or who he is. Another thing that really stood out for me is your gifts. You get him personal things, items you know he'll enjoy, movies, food, cd's, etc., he gets you kitchen supplies? Now there's some real pampering. Like my father always said, "an appliance or a household supply is not a gift and should never take the place of a gift. What you want/need for the house is not gift material -- ever.
Quite frankly, Ladiechef, I think you're getting a raw deal and the very short end of the stick. I think having a very serious and assertive discussion with him on what you do and do not want, need and expect is way past due. It's time for you to stop being walked all over, it's time to be assertive and stop taking his bull.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"