Why am I so insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Why am I so insecure?
8
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 1:41pm
I have a problem trusting my boyfriend, we've been together for almost a year and a half, he's given me really no reason not to trust him, still I find myself constantly worring about what he's doing when we are apart, I check his cell phone and bank account on a regular basis just to make sure he isnt hiding anything from me. I love him alot and want our relationship to work... how can I get over being so paranoid and jealous?

Help!

J

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:36pm
Is there any situation from your past that makes you distrust your BF? I do know that you need to find some way to get this under control. If he finds out that you're checking his phone and bank records he will see that as distrustful.

Have you tried talking to your BF about why you feel insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 3:07pm
You improve this by getting to the bottom of it, and that's done in counseling, if you're serious about getting past it. Many of us have done it, nothing is 100%, but it really can help if you're motivated. A lifetime of insecurity guarantees all kinds of problems.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 4:36am
Therapy. You have to find out what in your past has made you feel so insecure. For me, it was a difficult childhood and body image problems, for you it could be something completely different, but discovering the root of the problem is the key to moving on from it.

If you don't fancy therapy at the moment for whatever reason (though I would highly recommend it) there are a myriad of self help books that could help you uncover what's driving this insecurity.

In any case, I wish you all the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:57am
I think insecurities like you describe come from a fear of loss. You so fear losing your BF that you become compulsive about making sure you know every move he makes. You so fear the idea that he might have an affair that your sense of trust is skewed and even though he hasn't done anything you visualize it in your mind and makes you want to check around behind him to try to reassure yourself that everything is OK.

Where securities are strong, a woman will face a relationship problem when it arises, not before it's happened. If her man has an affair, she deals with that when it happens and she either accepts and forgives or dumps him. If he leaves her, she moves on. Where insecurities dominate a person, that person can't bear the thought of anything happening to the relationship. The insecurity literally drives them to keep a tight rein on their partner and watch them with an eagle eye.

You have to be able to not only tell yourself that you can trust your BF, but you also have to tell yourself that if you can't trust him it's not the end of the world. If he does something wrong, you can forgive him and move on or you can leave him and move on. Either way life doesn't end. He's not the last man on earth. There are millions of men out there, just as wonderful as your BF and if he screws up, go find another one who will appreciate you better. While you may love your BF and think he's great, if he does something to hurt you then he's not so great, is he?

In other words, don't waste time worrying about something that #1 hasn't happened and #2 would not end the world even if it did happen. You checking around behind your BF is not going to stop him from cheating on you if he wanted to, AND you are aware of how insecure it makes you feel. Instead of visualizing your BF cheating on you, visualize yourself standing up for yourself in such situations. Visualize yourself as strong and capable and able to move on if need be. Tell yourself that you deserve nothing but the best and if someone does you wrong then you won't tolerate it.

There's not much reason to find out where your insecurities came from. Instead you've recognized them (a first big step), now you have to work to make yourself a stronger woman. And you do that by realizing that you can and would live even if your BF did something wrong to you. You'd move on, you'd be OK and you'd find someone else. Once you can convince yourself that you'll survive no matter what, you'll be able to stop looking for trouble where there isn't any.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 1:41pm
Thanks - I'm really trying to focus on the positive things about our relationship, and not comparing them to what has happened with my relationships in the past. I'm just so afraid of being hurt again that ever time I'm away from my boyfriend all I can think is negative thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 6:14am
Sorry, but I still think there's a deeper issue at play here. Perhaps your insecurity is a result of being hurt previously, but unless you confront the issue head on, it won't really go away. Forcing yourself to think positive thoughts is a good start, but truly understanding WHY you feel the way you do is of the utmost importance and I'm sure it goes deeper than - my last boyfriend treated me badly. Feelings of jealousy and insecurity are often deep-seated, but hey I could be wrong.

If therapy doesn't appeal, try reading "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. It'll provide you with plenty of food for thought and some really fascinating insight.

I wish you the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 9:32pm
I just want you to know that I know how you feel because I am the same way. I feel very insecure and get jealous very quickly, especially because my bf has many friends that are girls. He has not done anything or even said anything to make me distrustful or insecure, it's just the way that I react. In my case, I'm pretty sure I know why I am so insecure (it has to do with my relationship with my dad), but I don't really find that that helps me so much in dealing with it, only with understanding it.

For me, every day is a constant struggle. If he doesn't call or email me every day I get insecure or jealous. I have to resist the urge to look through his stuff, etc. But each time I am tempted to "check on him" I think about what the consequences of this would be if he found out, and what my doing that really does to our relationship. It basically confirms in my mind that I don't trust him. I don't want the relationship to be this way, and this thought is what stops me. Also the thought that I know that if I do it once, I will be tempted to do it again and again. In other words, its not something that I will check out and then say to myself, Okay, I can trust him now. So I don't even want to let myself start.

So I guess my advice to you is before you go through his stuff, think about what the costs of doing that are. Are you willing to give up the trust and honesty in a relationship?

And yes, as one poster pointed out, there are other guys out there. But if you don't learn how to deal with this problem, it will probably occur again in other relationships. For me, the way I have to deal with it, it's almost like a drug problem or something in that it requires constant maintenance!

Good luck to you! Hope this helps.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 9:31am
Dear J...I am new here & just started a message about what I am going through right now because I didn't trust my husband. Please read my message.

discussion title: It's a trust issue

I would hate anyone else to go through what I am going through right now.

Grannib