Why do I feel like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2010
Why do I feel like this?
6
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 1:14pm

I am a 36 year old wife, and mother of two boys, 2 1/2 and 17 mos.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Tue, 09-21-2010 - 2:23pm

Don't try to delete your feelings, explore them more deeply!

You say you miss the romance and passion. It kind of just happens that they seep out of marriage at times. But that doesn't mean they are lost. They must be earned back.

What do you long for that your husband cannot deliver? Have you shared your inner most secrets with him? Told him what that wild fire girl inside you is thinking of doing? Not what you are thinking of doing to the co-worker, but in general what you want to do to another person and what you want done to you? What desires are you holding yourself back from him?

I would not focus on what he can or cannot deliver. What can you deliver? What does he *want you* to deliver? Start there since you are obviously wanting to do something drastic, find out what you can do it and do it to your husband.

Passion and the economy are not so closely linked. Romance and passion are alive in us all, sometimes we just keep that part of ourselves hidden from the one we are claim to be closest to. Those experiences are not saved for the well-to-do at all. Sometimes having to wait, being denied, and struggling can ignite passion and romance. Instead of looking for your husband to change, think about what you can do to bring back some of those exciting adventurous experiences into your life. They need not be costly choices. Make choices that fit within the confines of your marital vows and your views of family, and your family budget, but don't limit yourself to just those things you have right now. Be creative, and let yourself be alive while also being a dutiful wife and mother. It's not impossible, the challenge of it makes it even more worth doing.

You don't need to become a single parent or a cheater in order to become an exciting, passionate person again. Cheating is never, ever good. There's always a better way than that. Divorce is the right answer for some but let it be a last resort. Try everything else first. Wanting more passion is good, but what else can you do to make it come into your life? Think about what you would be doing if you were just a mother, besides sleeping with other men what would you want in your life and ask yourself is there a way to get those things while remaining married and faithful?

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."


John W. Gardner





Photobucket





Ten Rules for Being Human



Photobucket





"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:46am
Hi Sassyea ~

I know before you said you wish your husband would dress up more on weekends, but that he's not that kind of guy. I'm wondering, was he ever? I'm thinking he must have been.... You also said the two of you had a whirlwind international romance that went very fast. How fast? And how long before he became the person he is now? You say when you voice your desire for more action your husband tries to accommodate you but that you just don't think it's in him. Can you explain what happens? I'm thinking it's quite possible that there's more possibility than you think there is, but need more information to know what might be helpful.

Yes, having children, especially young ones, changes life, and the recession certainly can hamper things, but there is hope and one can and should still have a fun and wild life with your man away from the confines of being parents. Getting out there and doing things not only satisfies that need that comes up in you but keeps your relationship stronger and closer. Raising a family is hard work and can consume you, it's important to save out some time for the two of you; don't forget you ARE the foundation of the family, your relationship must be maintained in order for the family to grow and be strong.

I'll be checking back for your answers so I know what to suggest ~

















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



Photobucket





Photobucket










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Wed, 09-22-2010 - 12:40pm

You feel this way because your are comparing your husband with this new crush at work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 1:27am
Great post, Riverwest.

Often I get so focused on the the information in the post that I forget there was an important clue and/or question in the title and don't address it at all. I'm glad you caught it and addressed it. You're absolutely right - a husband can't possibly compete with fantasies about some other guy. Your fantasies portray the other guy as being perfect and a relationship with him being wonderful, whereas your husband's shortcomings and flaws are well known to you and enter into the picture you have of him.

It's been a while since you've been on the board. It's nice to see you back, you give great advice.



















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



Photobucket





Photobucket










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-23-2010 - 2:13pm
I really don't think that most people are prepared for the way having children changes your life. Of course children are wonderful but they are also a lot of work & a lot of taking care of very young children is boring & repetitive. It's also difficult to go a lot of places when you are dragging little kids along. It's also true that the initial excitement & passion that you have when you first meet someone doesn't last--it just can't. It doesn't mean that you don't love your DH, it's just different. I think a lot of women feel that they are abnormal if they admit that maybe family life isn't that exciting. I do think you have to accept that maybe right now things aren't always going to be at the top of the excitement heap. When you can accept that and realize that it's just a phase of your life, I believe you will feel less frustrated. I'm not in a smiilar situation to you since my kids are almost grown, but I could look at it in a way. I'm divorced & have a DD in college & DS in 9th grade. Since I'm a single mother I can't just go out whenever I feel like it. My ex sees our DS a lot but he found out that he might have to work during the week until 7:00 p.m.--if he does that, forget any visits during the week, which will further curtail my social life. Maybe it's just that I got used to being boring, but now when I get the chance to go out it's a big deal. Like last weekend I went to brunch w/ some old high school friends. That might not be very exciting to someone young & single who is always going out, but it's a big deal to me to do anything to get out of the house. I look at it like in 4 yrs my DS will be out of high school & then I'll have every night to do whatever I want. Maybe it won't be that long, because eventually he'll be driving & be more on his own. So right now you are kind of curtailed because of having young children, but you can see what you can do w/in the confines of that situation. You can do a lot of free family things like go to fall fairs, the zoo, the park, the beach. If you can possibly do it, try to have a date night w/ your DH once a week or every other week. You don't have to go somewhere really expensive--it's just putting time into your marriage that's important. I read a book once called Eat Chocolate Naked which is about how to keep the romance alive in your marriage. Some of the ideas are really simple. It might be nice to have these fantasies about your coworker but if you go there too much, your marriage will suffer. You only see the good side of the coworker. You don't know what he would be like in a relationship. Every body has their faults.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 2:08am

I think the thing to do is cut off contact with the co-worker as much as possible, and redirect that energy to your husband. If you are the one who feels a lack of spice, then I would say it's your job to find it and bring it into the marriage. Good luck.






Edited 10/2/2010 11:46 pm ET by darling.carly