Why is my boyfriend acting so weird?
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| Sat, 07-15-2006 - 2:12pm |
My boyfriend told me out of nowhere that he wants to breakup. This is someting that has happened before, but we always stayed together because it's not what he really wanted.
He said he just doesn't understand relationships and doesn't think he's a good boyfriend. Everything in his life pretty much sucks and he feels like nothing ever goes his way. He says that he is not happy with his life or himself and thinks it's best if we aren't together because it's the best for both of us.
On the other hand, he doesn't want me out of his life completely because he loves me and cares about me (he has all the same feelings for me that he has for the past year we've been dating).
Now, he has severe depression. He's working full time at a job he hates, he's in college and under stress, and he has NO money. His bills cost him every penny that he makes. Luckily even though he will be 26 years old soon, he can still live with his parents. He's 6 years older than me...and I make more money than he does, have a career, and have not gone to college. I know this bothers him to some extent, as i always pay for everything we do together.
I really don't understand what the issue is and I try to get him to explain it to me but he doesn't even make any sense.
What i've understood it to be is that he feels like he has nothing to contribute to this relationship. He feels guilty because we go out and i always pay. He doesn't like that I care so much about him and love him, and he thinks I shouldn't have those kinds of feelings for him, because he's never done anything to deserve me. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but he has no other solution to these issues except to break-up.
Is this his depression talking? I have no idea.
So we talked and I told him that if we both love eachother and want to be together then we SHOULD. He said we should just be friends. How the heck do you go from being a couple to friends? I told him that if we were just friends I would never be happy because i'd always be holding onto the hope that someday we'd be together again, and THAT is not healthy. So then we were talking about being "just friends" and creating "rules" and I got the impression that he just doesn't want to feel pressured into trying to be a good boyfriend (he pressures himself) but at the same time he can only do that by stepping out of the relationship So we decided no relationship-type stuff like kissing, holding hands, etc...and then he said no "i love yous"...which would be hardest for me because i do love him and he loves me...
Anyway, those were "the rules" and then i asked him if he'd go out with me for our one-year "friendship" (lol) instead of anniversary. So i got dressed and i was looking SO hot (i figured maybe he'd snap out of this with a short skirt and a low-cut top, lol). He told me about ten times how good i looked when i got there. We went to dinner and joked the whole time about "we're just friends"...but at the same time there was no kissing, no touching, we were like a couple, but nothing intimate. I was fine with everything and having a great time...it was one of the best dinners we had in a long time. (and he drank half a glass of vodka at dinner...which comes into play later on)
Then we went to Barnes and Noble and before we got out of the car he's like "this is really awkward". And I'm like "why?" he said he didn't know, the whole situation just felt weird, and i asked him if he wants me to take him home (i drove) and he said no, so we went inside. He was acting weird and I think the vodka was starting to kick in, lol. (he's on an anti-depressant so any little bit of alcohol gets him drunk, but sometimes it takes a long time before he is actually drunk) He was acting more lovey-dovey in the bookstore holding me around my waist and shoulders and stuff.
THEN we went to blockbuster, got a movie, and went back to his place. He was pretty drunk by then and (it's hot in his bedroom) so he took off all his clothes except his underwear (which is a normal thing for him, except tonite we were suppossed to be "just friends") Anyway, 10-15 minutes of movie-watching go by and he asks me to go downstairs and get us water and when I come back to give him a blow job - lol. I was confused, and after like 2 minutes of talking about i don't remember what, I did exactly what he said, lol. (which isn't anything abnormal for us, but we were suppossed to be "just friends")
That turned into about 2 hours of sex - really GOOD sex...(when he drinks vodka he can't get off so he quit when he was too hot and sweaty and tired, lol) We said i love you like 10 times (He even voluntarily said i love you to me w/o me saying it first)
and I was confused afterwards but i was too tired to worry about it.
So today I woke up and I talked to him and we were joking and stuff and i'm still confused and i think he is too. He didn't want to say "i love you" when we hung up. I told him to think about everything and i'll think about things, and to call me when he's ready to talk. (we are still going to the beach on the 27th)
I know he loves me. I know he wants to be with me, and everything has been so good between us. I don't understand whats going on.
Can ANYONE give me some insight to this situation. Some things may not make sense, or could easily be taken out of context, so i'll try to stay on top of the replies.
Thanks!!!!!!

Stop saying what you know he is feeling (over and over like you are trying to convince yourself) and listen to what he says and his actions. He has told you he does not want a romantic relationship with you...he is giving you a total "its not you its me." Real reasons aside, the bottom line is he doesn't really want a bf/gf relationship with you, although if he keep you in close proximity he can use drinking too much to get some BJ's (oops we accidentally crossed that line again).
So he has told you directly you are not the long term girl for him, and on top of that he sounds pretty messed up emotionally. So why not move on? Don't you want and deserve to find someone that loves you and WANTS to be with you??? Or do you want to waste the next 10 yrs of your life trying to understand and heal this disaster of a man only to wake up one day and realize you wasted 10 yrs of your life when you could have been with "the one."
Good luck trying to convinve this one how "he really feels" P.
My boyfriend is bipolarYou might read through your old post too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 7/16/2006 2:01 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wanting sex doesn't equate love. Trying to stay close to someone while trying to end a romantic relationship is pretty impossible. He still has feelings, he's made that clear. Just because he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean he's not interested in having sex. Him stating that being with you felt "weird" illustrates that it's not possible to jump from romantic relationship to friend in one felled swoop. Habits and old feelings are slow to subside, until you've completely gotten over your feelings, your old feelings will rise back up and yes, you'll feel a pull back to the relationship, even if it's a bad relationship or one you don't want. I know you see his behavior as an indication that breaking up isn't really what he wants, but that's likely not the case. When you consider that he's attempted to break up with you several times before, it's even more evident that breaking up is indeed what he feels is right to do.
I agree with Orangecuse 100%. Even if you have feelings for someone, it's entirely possible to know they're not right for you and feel ending the relationship is best. Fact is, sometimes ending a relationship with someone you truly love is the right thing to do. Regardless of why you think he's doing it, or what reasons he may have given you, he's made it clear that ending it is what he wants to do, and that's what you should be paying close attention to. I would strongly suggest, however, that you not attempt to be "friends" with him, at least not for a good six months to a year. You can't be friends with someone you have feelings that are more than "friend" feelings for, and as long as you stay in contact you'll be assuring that you're stuck in your feelings, unable to move on or get through the hurt that goes along with any break up. Staying "friends" will also assure that you continue to have a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't want a full relationship with you. I have a feeling, based on what you've said, that you might think of staying "friends" as a way to continue to entice him into sex, which you think might get him back into a full relationship. I have to tell you that guys generally see girls who put out without a relationship in a different light than those who refuse to have sex without a full relationship, even if they're old girlfriends. The fact is, they're willing to have sex without anything more, and that's what seems to count.
I understand that your boyfriend sees many problems that you don't see, but I have to say that I suspect given time, you'd be pretty disillusioned with the same things he's talking about. Your relationship is quite uneven and eventually you would get tired of carrying all the responsibility.
The bottom line is he's told you he doesn't want to continue a relationship with you, all you can do is believe him and move on. If he decides at a later date that he'd like to try again, there's no reason he can't, but for now, he's made it clear it's not what he wants. His stated request needs to be respected.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"