Why is she so upset with me still?
Find a Conversation
Why is she so upset with me still?
| Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:34pm |
I need some help on this issue please...
Saturday night my girlfriend of six months and I went to a party, and she proceeded to get a little drunk... well she accidentally knocked me into a tikki torch, and my hair caught on fire! My hair is so long, so it could have potentially been really bad, but fortunately I put it out quick enough. Here's the tricky part though..., in the 10 seconds that it happened, after I put it out, I turned and lightly slapped my girlfriend... in front of her two friends. I know this is a HUGE no-no, and if I could take it back, I would. But I wasnt thinking very rationally, and it was just my reaction to seeing my hair on fire, knowing it could have been really bad, and my girlfriend was the cause.
Well, she didnt take being slapped to well. She said he would rather be spit on then slapped, its such an insult, why was that my reaction, my hair isnt as important as my girlfriend, Samson and Dalila was actually brought up by one of her friends.... she continued to say all kinds of things about being slapped, not once apologizing for accidentally pushing me into the flames. I told her I didnt want to fight, and tried to walk away. Well, we ended up leaving, and called it a night. Yesterday we decided to talk about it, and she continued to try to make me feel really bad. In the grand scheme of things, the incident is not that big of a deal, but I think she is milking the situation because she has a temper herself, and this one time I lost my temper. I was supposed to go to her family's house yesterday for a BBQ, but we both decided it wasnt a good idea. The whole family was asking about me, and she made sure to tell me that today, again trying to make me feel bad. My question is, should I suck it up, and let her vent, or is she wrong to continue this, and just has anger issues? How I decide to handle this could make or break our relationship. I really care about her, but Im embarressed and hurt. I dont want her or her friends to think Im an a$$ with a temper, cuz thats just not true. I dont know if I can ever face them again..We broke up once already because of her temper, but things were fine until this happened.
Saturday night my girlfriend of six months and I went to a party, and she proceeded to get a little drunk... well she accidentally knocked me into a tikki torch, and my hair caught on fire! My hair is so long, so it could have potentially been really bad, but fortunately I put it out quick enough. Here's the tricky part though..., in the 10 seconds that it happened, after I put it out, I turned and lightly slapped my girlfriend... in front of her two friends. I know this is a HUGE no-no, and if I could take it back, I would. But I wasnt thinking very rationally, and it was just my reaction to seeing my hair on fire, knowing it could have been really bad, and my girlfriend was the cause.
Well, she didnt take being slapped to well. She said he would rather be spit on then slapped, its such an insult, why was that my reaction, my hair isnt as important as my girlfriend, Samson and Dalila was actually brought up by one of her friends.... she continued to say all kinds of things about being slapped, not once apologizing for accidentally pushing me into the flames. I told her I didnt want to fight, and tried to walk away. Well, we ended up leaving, and called it a night. Yesterday we decided to talk about it, and she continued to try to make me feel really bad. In the grand scheme of things, the incident is not that big of a deal, but I think she is milking the situation because she has a temper herself, and this one time I lost my temper. I was supposed to go to her family's house yesterday for a BBQ, but we both decided it wasnt a good idea. The whole family was asking about me, and she made sure to tell me that today, again trying to make me feel bad. My question is, should I suck it up, and let her vent, or is she wrong to continue this, and just has anger issues? How I decide to handle this could make or break our relationship. I really care about her, but Im embarressed and hurt. I dont want her or her friends to think Im an a$$ with a temper, cuz thats just not true. I dont know if I can ever face them again..We broke up once already because of her temper, but things were fine until this happened.

Pages
Exactly when is slapping considered an understandable or allowable first reaction to anything by anyone, male or female? How do you justify affording "sympathy for having just had an extremely traumatic experience and being perhaps a bit hysterical" when days later she's complaining that it's not that big a deal and that he's not even apologized for the accident? That's waaaaay beyond trauma and hysteria and right on into justification and refusing to take responsibility for her actions. It's bogus. No guy would ever be afforded sympathy for trauma and/or hysteria.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 7/26/2006 9:56 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with you 100%. There are other issues at stake too. Every time a woman is excused for behavior that would be deemed unacceptable and abusive if it were a man the cause against domestic abuse is hurt, damaged, reduced; abuse is minimized because it's seen as acceptable in some situations. The ripple effect is felt by the abused woman who's fate is in the hands of a judge who buys into the bull that's perpetuated by those who make it excusable. It was just a slap, he was under pressure, he didn't mean it, he said he was sorry, it wasn't that big a deal.
Not wanting to get on a soapbox, but women's rights have a ways to go yet. In this arena we're not looking for special rights or more rights, we're looking for equal rights. When special allowances are made for women it makes the cause of equal rights look pathetic, it gives those who disagree good reason to disagree and look down on the issue. If women want to be equal, then they have to play by the same rules, no allowances for hysteria or anything else. As far as hysteria goes, good Lord, haven't we been viewed as "hysterical females" long enough? Isn't that one we'd all like to see die? We're not delicate, whimpering, emotionally unstable wrecks, why on earth would anyone want to draw back to that stereotype?
Until men are allowed to slap and hit under "trauma and hysteria", we aren't allowed the excuse either, and that's exactly what it is -- an excuse. Slapping is a deliberate act. We all have to practice control of ourselves, no excuses or allowances. If she'd had a gun in her hand and had pulled the trigger out of "trauma and hysteria" she'd have been found just as guilty of murder (it happens). Granted, the guy is not dead or even physically hurt really, but the act is the same and the verdict should be the same too. Considering a continuing relationship with her should be something that's not considered by this guy; not only does she justify hitting, she doesn't take responsibility for it and further expects him to apologize to her. Honestly, this is total abuser mentality, and yes, women can be abusers just like men can.
To me, excusing this or "affording sympathy" is incredible and unconscionable. And looking down at the guy for not apologizing, for being upset, for not letting it go, or anything else is even more incredible and unconscionable. Let's blame the victim! Wow.
Thanks for posting this, Lled2. I'm interested in hearing what the rest of the board members think about this.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 7/26/2006 10:40 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I disagree strongly that the OP didn't take responsibility for her action--she is obviously mortified by what she did and she has apologized profusely to her BF.
I think that people can and do act out of character in response to shock and that some grace should be applied, whether the person is male or female. If it's a pattern, that's a different story, but a one time, out of character act in response to being put in danger? I just don't see immediately assuming that someone is an abuser or has an anger problem based on that.
And actually the law does make a distinction--the person in your example with the gun would most likely be charged with manslaughter not murder, because there's no premeditated intent and the circumstances of what caused the person to fire the gun would be considered.
By the same token, the bf put the OP in danger, albeit involuntarily--if she had been hurt, he could be found guilty of a crime too. And yes, pushing someone by accident is different than slapping them, but I sure would be apologizing like crazy if *I* pushed someone and caused them to catch on fire!!! And I sure hope I would make allowances for that person reacting out of fear and shock. But again, it's a question of whether that behavior is a pattern or a one time out of character act. Of course we have only the OP's posts to go on, but I think in this case, it was the latter. And it doesn't matter whether she's male or female, IMO.
Sheri
::I disagree strongly that the OP didn't take responsibility for her action--she is obviously mortified by what she did and she has apologized profusely to her BF.
If she continues to justify why she did it (which she does)...because of anything he did... then she is not taking responsibility for her actions. That is true whether or not she apologized and is even mortified that she did what she did. That is a classic part of the abuse patern.
::I think that people can and do act out of character in response to shock and that some grace should be applied, whether the person is male or female. If it's a pattern, that's a different story, but a one time, out of character act in response to being put in danger? I just don't see immediately assuming that someone is an abuser or has an anger problem based on that.
I agree with you here Shari. I wouldn't assume they were an abuser either. I would keep a close eye out in the future for any others. True, as you say, whether or not they are male or female? I doubt it from society's viewpoint. I seriously believe there is a good chance that someone calls the police if they actually see this happen at a party or in public if the guy is doing the slapping. The opposite, obviously not true.
I get it that the situation, combined with a lack of a pattern of this or other uncontrolled outbirsts of anger as well as a true expression of remorse would have most guys being very forgiving. The truth is that I doubt I would have held a grudge and I would have been exteemly remorseful and scared for her. But regardless, it would have been an accident. There is a huge difference.
I once broke the ankle of a girl. We were out to dinner and had been drinking. It was even a work and we were from different offices. It was, however, 100% an accident. I felt horrible for it, yet there was no changing the truth it was an accident. By the way, she did not slap me in the face when it happened. It wasn't a risk of injury - it was a serious injury.
Reacting out of shock - with a slap is no accident. It is controllable and making the case that she was unable to control her actions because of the situation is not taking responsibility.
My opinion on this is that she admits she had a 10 sec "delay" before slapping him. And for some reason she's insistant that she slapped him "lightly". Both of those tell me it was thought of, considered, and done anyway.
Jen
Hitting is not acceptable regardless of the gender initiating the violence.
You said: But, really, tell me what you think
I did in the above statement in my last post.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
There is a flaw in this research process.
No, if I posted it on the Domestic Violence board, that would have (somewhat) unfair.
The other two boards are just as anti-abuse as this board. All three deal with general relationship problems (which often include abuse situations).
This is the closest board there is to the other two (IMO).
YOU::That isn't always true, and particularly when a man in our society can be thrown in jail for simply defending himself against abuse.
So So true. I tried to make the point that if he had slapped back it would have probably been even more 'instictive' yet when the police got there, guess who would be spending the night in jail?
here's the thing: if, when she slapped him 10 seconds after the fact, he lost his balance and hit his head on the side of a table or on the side of a rock and it killed him or he broke his neck and was paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life, all the sorry's in the world wouldn't spin the earth backwards to the moment when she chose to raise her hand to him.
If the tables were reversed and he hit her after she accidentally knocked him into a tiki torch, most women on iVillage would be hollaring for him to be locked away for the rest of his life.
the OP of the initial thread was looking for permission from others to excuse/justify her actions--hence the spin of her thread question "ok to slap when hair is on fire?"
LOL...so true. The title was a clear indicator that she didn't understand to start with. Then I read what she wrote and was like, "what, this woman doesn't understand that striking someone else is wrong?!?!"
Then people stating telling her that HE was a control freak and manipulator because he couldn't just accept her apology the second she gave it. There are still people over on those boards telling her what she did is understandable and that he is still in the A hole for the situation.
In fact, now I'm the A hole for even pointing out the truth of the situation as I see it. They are telling me that I am victimizing the victim in the situation. Now, I am the abuser - LOL.
Pages