why won't my husband have sex with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2003
why won't my husband have sex with me?
4
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 12:29am
I AM A DESPERATE WIFE THAT WANTS TO SAVE HER MARRAIGE. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 6 YEARS AND HE NEVER EVER WANTS TO TOUCH ME AND EVERYTIME I GIVE HIM A LITTLE LOVING HE PUSHES ME AWAY AND SAYS CALM DOWN AND LEAVES THE ROOM. HIS TYPICAL DAY IS WORK COME HOME WATCH TV, ASK WHAT'S FOR DINNER, AND DOESN'T SAY MORE THAN 3 SENTENCES TO ME THEN GOES ON THE COMPUTER AND PLAYS GAMES THEN GOES TO SLEEP. OR IF REALLY TIRED HE JUST COMES HOME, EATS, AND FALLS ASLEEP. I HAVE TRIED TALKING TO HIM ABOUT HOW I FEEL (I NEED LOVE, ATTENTION,ETC.)BUT HE NEVER WANTS TO LISTEN NOMATER HOW I APPROACH THE SUBJECT. ALSO I HAVE ASKED IF HE WILL GO TO COUNCILING WITH ME AND OF COURSE HIS ANSWER IS I DON'T TALK TO YOU WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WILL TALK TO THEM, I HAVE EVEN GOTTEN THINGS FROM THE INTERNET THAT EXPLAINS HOW I FEEL SO HE COULD READ THEM MAYBE IT WOULD THEN SINK IN BUT HE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM.. I EVEN BOUGHT A BOOK CALLED A SEX STARVED MARRIAGE AND I READ IT, IT WAS SO AWESOME AND HELPED BUT WHEN HE SAW IT AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD REALLY LIKE YOU TO READ IT HE JUST MADE JOKES AND NO MENTION OF IT SENSE.... SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME I AM AT A LOSS AND I REALLY LOVE MY HUSBAND AND DON'T WANT TO LEAVE BUT EVERY DAY I GET CLOSER AND CLOSER TO WALKING. ALSO HE HAS BEEN PROCRASTINATING WHEN IT COMES TO STARTING A FAMILY ALL HE EVER DOES IS MAKE JOKES. AND TWICE WE TRIED FOR 3 MONTHS THAT IS ACTUALLY HAVING SEX ONE TIME EVERY MONTH I USED A TEMPURATURE CHART AND EVERYTIME I WOULD TELL HIM I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME HE WOULD GET MAD AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE SEX..PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!! THIS PAST X-MAS ALL I WANTED WAS AN ANSWER TO YES WE CAN HAVE A FAMILY OR NO AND HE SAID WE COULD TRY THIS YEAR AND GUESS WHAT SAME AS BEFORE 3 MONTHS AND THEN NOTHING.... I GET SO DEPRESSED I YEARN FOR A FAMILY AND WANT THIS SO MUCH AND HE DOESN'T GET THAT IT BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME HE TURNS ME DOWN. I HAVE GOTTEN TO WHERE I AM AFRAID TO BRING UP ANYTHING OR TOUCH HIM IN ANYWAY. I WOULD SO LOVE TO HEAR FROM SOMEONE THANKS FOR YOUR TIME, DESPERATEWIFE2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 4:21pm
Let me try and put this in a nutshell. First, be glad that you don't have children with him and stop trying to get pregnant. It will be a hundred times harder to get out of this marriage when you have the needs of a child to consider, and a child would suffer tremendously with a father who is cold and unloving towards its mother if you stayed. You'd feel trapped. Second, he refuses all attempts to work this out and treats you with comptempt when you offer solutions. He doesn't want to work it out. Third, you don't even communicate as friends, not even as friendly roommates.

Sure you love him, but it sounds like he has fallen out of love with you and he isn't even attempting to go through the motions of husband-like behavior.

Pack up your bags and leave. You don't have to get a divorce immediately, but you should get a lawyer and at least file for a legal separation in order to protect your rights and financial interests.

You're beating your head against a cold, brick wall and all that will do is give you a massive headache. It won't make the wall disappear.

There's a small chance that leaving him will rattle him enough to ask for a reconciliation and a promise to change. If that happens, do not go back until he has agreed to marriage counseling and attends sessions with you regularly for a period of months. At that point, you can evaluate if he has made a concentrated effort to be a husband, or not. Don't move back before that point.

There's a greater chance that he won't ask you to come back. Be prepared for that, accept reality, and realize that you now have the opportunity to find a man who will treat you with love and respect and want to be a father to your children.

Byt the way, please don't type in all caps. It's consider "shouting" and is difficult to read. Best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 7:33pm
Dear Desperate: I think Charite gave you some excellent advice. If he won't go to counseling or read a book, there is little hope right now. Is there a family member who you could talk to that might speak to him before you actually pack your bags? I agree that it would be a disaster to have a baby with this man.

I've been there and I understand how you must feel.

-Jaynette-

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Sun, 06-22-2003 - 3:31am
First off, I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible situation. How dare your husband treat you with such disrespect! My only suggestion I have for you is, do you have a brother, sister, even your parents you could stay with for a bit? I would sit down with your husband and tell him how you feel. Tell him that it hurts when you are rejected and that his lack of motivation concerns you. Ask him if he is willing to do something to better the situation. If he says "no" leave him for a while. You both need some time to re-think what you are doing in this marriage. Maybe he'll realize he needs you and he is willing to change, or you may realize that you're better off without him and you will find someone who will treat you like the queen that you are. Good Luck to you! I wish you all the best!

Catwoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 2:39pm
Are you SURE you really want to start a family with this man? He doesn't sound like a very good husband, and that can often be indicative of what kind of father he'll be. Are you hoping that a family will improve your marriage? Are you hopeful that a baby will fill the void in your life, will give you the love you're in such desperate need of? I hope not. Because while having a baby is wonderful and joyous, it is VERY hard work. You NEED the total support of your husband. You really do. And if he can't even be attentive when it's just YOU, what do you think he'll do when you have a baby? When he's sleep-deprived and the baby is crying all day? Do you really think he'll be capable of being a father? And do you really think you'll be capable of caring for a baby all day, and then have nobody to turn to at night for support?

Is it possible that he's having an affair?

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you might be better off on your own. What's the point of being in a marriage with no love, support, or intimacy? And if he's unwilling to get help, then there's not much you can do. I think you can find someone more worthy of your love, who WANTS to give you a family. Good luck to you!