Wife doesn't see the need for Intimacy or Oneness

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Wife doesn't see the need for Intimacy or Oneness
19
Sun, 01-16-2011 - 3:54pm

We have been married for 25 years and it feels like we are living like roommates.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010

Thanks for

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sorry to hear things are not so great right now. You can go to therapy on your own without your wife. As a matter of fact I highly recommend it. Then start building the life you want for yourself, like hobbies, travel etc whether she wants to participate or not. Getting busy and doing the things YOU enjoy with or without her may make her wake up and give her the incentive to participate. There is no reason you should have to suffer in a relationship just because you have been married for 25 years. Go to therapy to learn some techniques to help you cope and start living your life.

If you really think about it, your wife's lack of interest in improving the marriage is showing a lack of respect for how you feel. You have every right to request that things improve. You deserve happiness. She is doing the things that make her happy and it's only fair that she compromise and do what makes you happy too.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
These boards have a lot of great advice, so I hope you stick around. There is also a Mismatched Libidos board where others are going through what you are.

Do you think she could be resentful about you working all the time and her having to raise kids alone (well in her mind)? Do you guys talk about your relationship at all - as in "are you happy, and what can we do to make this a great relationship?" I mean what benefit does a person get by just being roommates for the rest of your life? How is that rewarding or happy? Even if it were just financial benefits, that seems like you'd be missing out on a whole lot more. Can you talk about that stuff at all? Sex is usually a symptom of a greater problem in a relationship. What exactly do you ask (give us the verbatim) that causes her to blow up?

So the marriage was intimate emotionally and physically at first and then how long ago did it decline?

"So, what is the jist of what your counselor told you to help your "failing marriage"?"

Well, each case is very individualistic when it comes to marriage counseling. But in general it does take two people working at a relationship to make it last. We are just unsure (based on your info) if your wife is done trying, or if you can find a better MORE EFFECTIVE way to reach her, or if she just needs to work through resentment of some sort. That is where the therapist will help. Also, to help you sort through all those question you are grappling with. I always looked forward to talking with my therapist back in those days. Friends can only bear so much of the same topic!

I did get my ex to go one time to therapy. I said something like, "My therapist is helping me be a better person, but in order for us to do real progress on the marriage side of things, he needs to hear your perspective about what is wrong with the marriage." I gave him a "free card" to b*tch about me for the full hour. That is the only way I got him to come with me. In the end we divorced because he was emotionally abusive to me and not worth my time any longer.

I suggest you go, but tell your wife you're going to work on being a better person and will use the guidance of a marriage counselor. Then go alone for a while. Try the above tactic on her to see if she'll go. Might need to try a few times.

As of right now, it's too hard to say what you should do because we have no idea what is wrong or what she is thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

Hopefuldude-

Hi. I am answering you in bold type below.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008

The suggestion to go to a marriage therapist alone is a very good one.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001

Welcome back, Hopefuldude ~

When you posted in August, you mentioned a lot of fighting and anger on both your parts.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010

Yes, I did go to individual counseling last fall a couple of times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Do you think she could be resentful about you working all the time and her having to raise kids alone (well in her mind)? Do you guys talk about your relationship at all - as in "are you happy, and what can we do to make this a great relationship?
The kids are grown now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

If I tried to see it from her perspective... there's a lot about you that has bothered her about you over the years and she clearly has had to deal with you trying to justify the reasons why. Even if you have great reasons for being at work late, that doesn't change the way she feels about it. Reason and logic is fine but logic has no place in an argument against feelings. They are incompatible. I'm not sure if you know how to empathize with someone because empathy requires you to stop thinking about your own agenda. It seems easy to say your wife is cold and implacable but honestly it sounds like she may have put up an emotional wall a long time ago when she realized that trying to make her feelings known to you had no effect.

I'm not trying to criticize or judge you. Just thinking about how your wife might be taking your attempts at intimacy/connection.

I guess if it were me I'd leave.

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