Wife not into sex :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wife not into sex :-(
21
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:58pm

My wife and I are mid 30's and have been married about 4 years. We love each other, we have a great time together and communicate very openly. The problem is that she isnt into sex. If I dont initiate sex then I dont think we would have it more than once every few months. If I do initiate it, maybe once out of every few times we actually will have sex. She enjoys it when we do have sex but its not a priority for her. I want to have sex all the time. I masterbate at least once a day and that doesnt quell my desire to have more sex. We have talked about it many many many times and she feels like I pressure her into it and that I should let her 'come around'. She never does and I am again frustrated. I really dont know what to do. I feel like I have tried everything and I trully mean everything. She can tell me anything or suggest anything and I would do it if it meant we could be better sexually connected. Everything else in our relationship is incredible but I am going out of my mind by not having a sex life. I even thought maybe she just isnt attracted to me anymore but she swears it isnt me. She doesnt masterbate or even think of sex on a regular basis as far as I can tell. We're both in great shape and dont drink very often so there is nothing wrong physically.

Any advice will be appreciated.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:09pm

Some people just aren't into sex...they have low libidos and sex just isn't a priority to them.

I'm curious...has she been like this the entire time you've been together, or is this a recent development? If the latter, then it's possible it could be something physical or hormonal.

I know there's a board on Ivillage devoted to this issues (differing libidos) so you might also try posting there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:10pm
That must be very hard for you. Sex is more important than a lot of couples realize, and its unfortunate when a couple is not on the same wavelenght. If there are no alteior motives for her not having sex as often, than maybe you are just not compatable sexually. Is this something you can live with/without? That is a question you need to ask yourself. It sounds to me like this is weighing very heavily on your mind, and it wont go away. If this is something that is not going to improve, then maybe you should a) see a sex therapist, or b) I know this is hard, but think about moving on... That is a big issue that should be resolved one way or the other.
~Erin
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:14pm
Thanks for responding. She was more into sex when we were first dating and married. She also said that she had much more sex with previous boyfriends and this has never been a problem in previous relationships. So that of course leads me to the conclusion that it is me and I simply dont turn her on. But she doesnt masterbate when she's alone so I feel like something is missing that I wish I had a magic wand to fix.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:23pm

In that case, is she willing to go to her doctor and get a checkup regarding that specific issue, to make sure it's nothing physical?

If it is something physical, then hopefully it has a solution. But if not, I don't know what to suggest, other than couples counseling to try to figure out why her libido is shut down.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have a friend who is going through a similar issue with her husband of 10 years or so, who is a great father and her best friend, but he never wants to have sex and she's at the end of her rope (but in her case he never was very interested--she thought she could live with it but it's harder than she anticipated). She doesn't want to get divorced or have an affair but neither does she want to live a life without sex. It's a tough situation--I hope you can find a solution.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:27pm
It is very difficult for me and it occupies my mind constantly. I am a very sexual person and need it not just for the closeness but also for the fun of it so I feel like we're missing out on a great part of a relationship that is otherwise perfect. Can I live without sex? No. Not having sex is one thing, but not being able to express my affection physically means our relationship will eventually be like brother and sister and that doesn't interest me at all. This has been a problem for years but I'm determined to do the right thing and see if we can work through this as I hope for a change but its getting tiring. I have thought about moving on but I would miss all of the great things about our relationship so I dont think that's a real option. We have read books and we talk about it but if I dont bring it up, she no longer thinks there is a problem and because she doesnt think about sex, then she's not missing anything and so everything seems ok to her but I'm again confused and so the cycle repeats. I joke to myself that I should have a mistress who can take care of my sexual needs but know that is crazy and leads ultimately to the end of the relationship anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:32pm
She has been to the doctor and everything is ok physically. I think counselling may be the only option but it seems like I'm trying to change her and my fear is that it would only solve the problem temporarily. Maybe I'm just sceptical of pyschiatrists. All the more frustrating when I read about so many women who are so sexual. I think women talk about sex more than men sometimes ;-)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 2:40pm

Ok, so don't go to a psychiatrist, then...there are plenty of other types of therapists out there.

If you do nothing, nothing will change...so do you want to have the *chance* of something changing, or to continue with the status quo?

And yes, you are trying to change her in this respect...but it's a change that you feel you need in order for the marriage to be strong and continue. There's nothing wrong with that. The change you are looking for is hardly an unreasonable one. Your other option is to accept her as is...are you willing to do that?

It doesn't matter what *other* women think or feel...you need to deal with your wife as she is, not compare her to "other women".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 3:59pm

Does she know that on a scale of 1 to 10 this is an 11 for you? Does she know that her marriage is at stake? I am not suggesting that you threaten her, but be very clear in your communication of your feelings on this issues. Tell her how it makes you feel when you are constantly rejected and tell her why sex is important to you. If you are just taking this back on yourself she may not know how serious this is for you. Having a sexual relationship with your partner who is healthy is not an unreasonable expectation and she should be at least making some kind of effort here to fix this problem or reach some kind of compromise.

Some women (and men for that matter) have the attitude that ....hey I don't feel like it, so he doesn't get it...period...its just about him having a good time anyways....he will just have to live with out it...oh well....c'est la vie...there are lots more important things we need to focus on. These women often end up divorced cause they fail to realize how devastating this attitude can be on their partner.

Before you give up make sure she understands where you are at. P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 6:33pm

I wish my ex husband would have taken that attitude with me. I think that had he threatened the end of the marriage, it would have given me a way out. I would have leapt at the chance to break up. Instead, I stayed with him and my lost libido for far too long.

To the O/P

What the posters haven't touched on so far is that problems inside the bedroom can often reflect problems outside the bedroom. It was certainly the case for me and my first husband. The problems can be as obvious as frequent arguements or at the other end of the spectrum it can simply be because life has become really boring. In my case, it was because my husband turned into a miserable git and was never positive or wanted to do anything nice (not saying that this is the case for you!)

I strongly suggest that you do marriage counselling together and try to unearth the problems she may have in the marriage. Just because her problems may not be obvious doesn't mean that they are not there. It may simply be a matter of tweaking your lives.

The other thing that hasn't been touched on is tiredness. It can be a big cause. Does your wife commute long distance to work? Or perhaps you've got a young family?

I won't be around to further this line of discussion because we're leaving for a short vacation. So, if you think this is a line worth following - hopefully someone else can continue for me.

Good luck.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:55pm

I think there's more than one possible reason and fix for this, but I'll need more information to know which way to go:

  • You said she' basically asked you to back off and let her come to you and you said you have but that she never comes around, exactly how long do you "back off" for before you try to initiate sex again?
  • When you "come on" to her, what do you do, what are your moves?
  • How often do you actually have sex?
  • Would your wife say this is the only problem in your relationship?
  • How are your evenings and weekends spent?

    I'll be checking back for your answers.







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    when you don't get what you want."

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