Wife not into sex :-(
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| Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:58pm |
My wife and I are mid 30's and have been married about 4 years. We love each other, we have a great time together and communicate very openly. The problem is that she isnt into sex. If I dont initiate sex then I dont think we would have it more than once every few months. If I do initiate it, maybe once out of every few times we actually will have sex. She enjoys it when we do have sex but its not a priority for her. I want to have sex all the time. I masterbate at least once a day and that doesnt quell my desire to have more sex. We have talked about it many many many times and she feels like I pressure her into it and that I should let her 'come around'. She never does and I am again frustrated. I really dont know what to do. I feel like I have tried everything and I trully mean everything. She can tell me anything or suggest anything and I would do it if it meant we could be better sexually connected. Everything else in our relationship is incredible but I am going out of my mind by not having a sex life. I even thought maybe she just isnt attracted to me anymore but she swears it isnt me. She doesnt masterbate or even think of sex on a regular basis as far as I can tell. We're both in great shape and dont drink very often so there is nothing wrong physically.
Any advice will be appreciated.

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Some people just aren't into sex...they have low libidos and sex just isn't a priority to them.
I'm curious...has she been like this the entire time you've been together, or is this a recent development? If the latter, then it's possible it could be something physical or hormonal.
I know there's a board on Ivillage devoted to this issues (differing libidos) so you might also try posting there.
Sheri
~Erin
In that case, is she willing to go to her doctor and get a checkup regarding that specific issue, to make sure it's nothing physical?
If it is something physical, then hopefully it has a solution. But if not, I don't know what to suggest, other than couples counseling to try to figure out why her libido is shut down.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I have a friend who is going through a similar issue with her husband of 10 years or so, who is a great father and her best friend, but he never wants to have sex and she's at the end of her rope (but in her case he never was very interested--she thought she could live with it but it's harder than she anticipated). She doesn't want to get divorced or have an affair but neither does she want to live a life without sex. It's a tough situation--I hope you can find a solution.
Sheri
Ok, so don't go to a psychiatrist, then...there are plenty of other types of therapists out there.
If you do nothing, nothing will change...so do you want to have the *chance* of something changing, or to continue with the status quo?
And yes, you are trying to change her in this respect...but it's a change that you feel you need in order for the marriage to be strong and continue. There's nothing wrong with that. The change you are looking for is hardly an unreasonable one. Your other option is to accept her as is...are you willing to do that?
It doesn't matter what *other* women think or feel...you need to deal with your wife as she is, not compare her to "other women".
Sheri
Does she know that on a scale of 1 to 10 this is an 11 for you? Does she know that her marriage is at stake? I am not suggesting that you threaten her, but be very clear in your communication of your feelings on this issues. Tell her how it makes you feel when you are constantly rejected and tell her why sex is important to you. If you are just taking this back on yourself she may not know how serious this is for you. Having a sexual relationship with your partner who is healthy is not an unreasonable expectation and she should be at least making some kind of effort here to fix this problem or reach some kind of compromise.
Some women (and men for that matter) have the attitude that ....hey I don't feel like it, so he doesn't get it...period...its just about him having a good time anyways....he will just have to live with out it...oh well....c'est la vie...there are lots more important things we need to focus on. These women often end up divorced cause they fail to realize how devastating this attitude can be on their partner.
Before you give up make sure she understands where you are at. P.
I wish my ex husband would have taken that attitude with me. I think that had he threatened the end of the marriage, it would have given me a way out. I would have leapt at the chance to break up. Instead, I stayed with him and my lost libido for far too long.
To the O/P
What the posters haven't touched on so far is that problems inside the bedroom can often reflect problems outside the bedroom. It was certainly the case for me and my first husband. The problems can be as obvious as frequent arguements or at the other end of the spectrum it can simply be because life has become really boring. In my case, it was because my husband turned into a miserable git and was never positive or wanted to do anything nice (not saying that this is the case for you!)
I strongly suggest that you do marriage counselling together and try to unearth the problems she may have in the marriage. Just because her problems may not be obvious doesn't mean that they are not there. It may simply be a matter of tweaking your lives.
The other thing that hasn't been touched on is tiredness. It can be a big cause. Does your wife commute long distance to work? Or perhaps you've got a young family?
I won't be around to further this line of discussion because we're leaving for a short vacation. So, if you think this is a line worth following - hopefully someone else can continue for me.
Good luck.
I think there's more than one possible reason and fix for this, but I'll need more information to know which way to go:
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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