Wife not into sex :-(
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| Wed, 07-05-2006 - 1:58pm |
My wife and I are mid 30's and have been married about 4 years. We love each other, we have a great time together and communicate very openly. The problem is that she isnt into sex. If I dont initiate sex then I dont think we would have it more than once every few months. If I do initiate it, maybe once out of every few times we actually will have sex. She enjoys it when we do have sex but its not a priority for her. I want to have sex all the time. I masterbate at least once a day and that doesnt quell my desire to have more sex. We have talked about it many many many times and she feels like I pressure her into it and that I should let her 'come around'. She never does and I am again frustrated. I really dont know what to do. I feel like I have tried everything and I trully mean everything. She can tell me anything or suggest anything and I would do it if it meant we could be better sexually connected. Everything else in our relationship is incredible but I am going out of my mind by not having a sex life. I even thought maybe she just isnt attracted to me anymore but she swears it isnt me. She doesnt masterbate or even think of sex on a regular basis as far as I can tell. We're both in great shape and dont drink very often so there is nothing wrong physically.
Any advice will be appreciated.

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#1- It isn't you. Take that out of the mix.
#2- Giving her time to "come around" isn't fair to you. Sex therapy or couples therapy is in order.
#3- If you are MBing once a day, you probably have a high sex drive. The two of you need a compromise badly!
#4- The truth of the matter is that if you do give her about 6 to 10 years, she's going to come around BIG time. That is the peak of a woman's sex drive. She'll probably drive *you* insane.
I don't think we have enough information to be making those kinds of statements and judgments yet. I think there may be a lot he can do about this.
I can tell you that I have been in a situation that may be similar to this and it turned me from a woman with a high sex drive to a woman who was turned off instantly and who cringed at the thought of sex.
We're judging that *it's not him*, *she has no right to do this*, *I wish my guy was like you with precious little information. **Let's do remember that this woman *used* to have a high sex drive too.
If condemning her and telling him turns out to be absolutely wrong this problem will get worse, not better.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well CL, now that I'm here I can take the other stance... LOL!
I find that for me, my libido dropped because of nonbedroom issues. I wasn't connecting outside the besroom so I didn't want to connect inside the bedroom. If I went too long there it was harder to want to connect in the bedroom. The big problem was that my H only tried to connect physically. He would pay attention to me when he wanted sex. That's when I would get kisses and hand holding, etc. And I knew it. So I came to dread him wanting to snuggle. If we snuggled I knew he wanted sex. So I couldn't take any affection because I knew I'd have to deal with turning him down later. I also told my H to BACK OFF and wait for me to come around. He would, for a week or so, and then it was "I've been patient, can we have sex now?" type thing. WHICH DID NOT HELP. Everytime he would not let ME come around but start pushing before I was ready, it meant that the next time he did that, I would be waiting the whole time for him to decide it had been long enough. I'm guessing that is part of your wife's issue. With your sex drive so high, she MAY feel that you only want her for sex. She MAY feel that you only value her when she puts out, especially if you fight about the frequency.
I would think a good counselor would definitely be an idea worth persuing.
Jen
Jen, I think what you suggest could well be the problem, as could other things. But, without the OP's answers to the questions it'll be impossible to have any real picture as to what the situation is.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agee with you there. At this point all we can do is take stabs in the dark.
Jen
>>#1- It isn't you. Take that out of the mix.<<
Why do you (and other posters on sex boards) say this? I see the same things when women are upset about men's lost sex drives too.
While it isn't always the case, a lost sex drive most certainly CAN be caused by something the partner is doing wrong. Anything from having a turbulent relationship to being a lazy so-and-so. In my case, my lost sex drive was most definately caused by stuff he was doing wrong.
Edited 7/9/2006 5:05 am ET by iv_aisha2004
There are several reasons in the OP that prompted me to give this advice rather than assuming that there is some serious flaw in their relastionship that is causing this problem-
>We love each other<
>She enjoys it when we do have sex but its not a priority for her.<
>I want to have sex all the time.<
>I masterbate at least once a day and that doesnt quell my desire to have more sex.<
Given this information, it appears that he has a high libido (HL), while she has a low one (LL). We can only go on the information provided by the poster.
The only thing that may be a problem is that he *may* be pressuring her into having sex. THis is a problem for people who are in a relationship with a HL/LL.
Thus, my statement that it is not something that is *wrong* with him. His having a HL is not his *fault.* Her having a LL is not her *fault.* It just is, and they need to find a way to deal with that.
>Why do you (and other posters on sex boards) say this?<
Edited down to: Although, I felt that you were attacking me, I have chosen to remove my response to this.
>>>There are several reasons in the OP that prompted me to give this advice rather than assuming that there is some serious flaw in their relastionship that is causing this problem-
>We love each other<
>She enjoys it when we do have sex but its not a priority for her.<<<
See, my H could have come and written the SAME thing, even a year plus ago.
I guess form my standpoint these things mean NOTHING without the other side or at least more information from him. I love my H, we have a great time together, I THOUGHT we were communicating openly, I would enjoy sex when we had it but it wasn't a priority, and I THOUGHT that the problem was that I had a LL. Though I wouldn't have classified his as high.
The problem, did in fact, turn out to be my H. My libido was off because our relationship was off because he was off.
>>>There are several reasons in the OP that prompted me to give this advice rather than assuming that there is some serious flaw in their relastionship that is causing this problem-
>>>I want to have sex all the time.<
>I masterbate at least once a day and that doesnt quell my desire to have more sex.<<<
And while this COULD BE that he has a HL, it could also be that there are other issues at play. There just wasn't enough info given.
Jen
No, I honestly wasn't attacking you - I just didn't understand why you said it. Thanks for the explanation - I can now clearly see why you came to this conclusion.
(Mind you, the posters on other boards say the same with far less information than this poster provided!! I still don't get why they say it. Perhaps it's some type of political correctness?)
I do have to agree with Jen though and say that my ex husband could have written the same thing based on how he *perceived* the status of our marriage. I think that when I left the marriage, it came as a total shock to him! Regarding the bit where the OP's wife swears that she's still attracted to him, I used to say the same thing. Mainly because I didn't know how to say "No, I don't find you attractive anymore". Lies are often easier than the truth.
I will also agree with Jen and say that I really don't have enough information to go on. This is just ONE theory of mine based on my own experience. There could be all sorts of issues at play such as tiredness, depression, young family or stress. I could be TOTALLY wrong.
Changing subjects completely, I notice that your signature has links to special needs issues. Would you mind taking a peek at my post on the holidaying with friends thread? The one by cmcorrine. Have you got any ideas?
Edited 7/9/2006 6:41 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
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