Will 30 days no contact help or hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Will 30 days no contact help or hurt
11
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 10:23am

Hi Everyone,

Last month actually 30 days today my boyfriend was suspended from work. He is suspended until further notice over lies someone told.  When the suspension first happened he didn't tell me I found out from his co worker. I texted him but he didn't return the text until 6 days later telling me he is not doing well. I tried to text him again with no response. I was very worried so 2 weeks from the day he was suspended I went by his house. He was sitting there in his work clothes and looking very thin and not well. I stayed an hour and left. He kept his head down and not said much. 

 

After I left I didn't make contact again until 8 days later I called him and texted him. He responded several hours later. He told me has has not heard anything from his job and he hates the place now. I tried to encouraged him to call the job but I doubt he did it. I tried to call the next day (last Friday) and he didn't pick up instead he sent me a text and said I'll call you back. He didn't and I did exactly what I wasn't suppose to do. I took it personally and told him I'll try him next week to see if he has time for me. He responded and said "I don't think you understand what I am going through I speak to my family because they live here if not I would be in a room by myself. When I get like this I can't help it. The only thing that makes me feel better is being in a dark room. I am depressed right now" I told him no i don't know what he is going through and I apologized that this is new and I don't always know what to do. This is hard for me you were taken away from me and sometimes I feel I'll never see you again. I said would it be easier if I left you alone and you reach out when you need me. He didn't respond. I sent him a message on Father's day and he said thank you.  I tried reaching out to him yesterday because everything I have read tells you shouldn't leave a person who is depressed alone. I got no response. 

 

He clearly said sitting in a dark room makes him feel better. The man obviously has been through this and has gotten himself out. We have only been together for a year and half,so this is the first time I am seeing this type of behavior.I am losing it and feel that anything I do and say will be a mistake and pi** him off. He doesn't lash out he just ignores me. We work at the same place and I am afraid that although we have a relationship outside the job,  when he sees or talks to me he is reminded of the job. The place that is screwing him around right now. So as of today I went into 30 days no contact. I don't know what else to do but give him so space. I just don't know if this will be seen as unsupportive and I don't love him because I do more than anything.  I told him I wasn't given up on us so if I stop speaking to him will that give him mixed messages?  it goes against everything i've read about people being depressed It says to call often but i feel calling often is only pi**ing him off and making him worse. If anyone has any other suggestions on how to help. The 30 days for me is needed to get refocused because I've been completely stressed and feel like I am becoming depressed as well. 

 

Thank you for listening. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 2:01am

Taz, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here.  Work has been crazy, to say the least.

Reading through this thread, it seems like every time anyone says something negative about your boyfriend's behavior you come back with something that lessens the issue the responder is bringing up.  Musiclover really nailed it, but you didn't see what she was saying, or you didn't want to hear it.  

Someone who excludes the people around him to sit in a room and dwell on his issue isn't ok.  He says he has depression problems, but here's the deal - HE needs to deal with them, and hiding for a month plus is not dealing with them, is not trying to deal with them and is certainly not acceptable.  Yes, he may be making some small movements but Taz, a week isn't ok, a few days is too much  a month is completely off the spectrum of acceptable. I have no problem believing he's got a depression problem, but it's HIS problem and HE needs to do the work to make sure it doesn't take over his life (like it has).  Maybe he's getting better and that's great, but the point is now you know that when things go back he crawls in a hole and shuts you out for a month and more.  That is not a healthy or normal relationship.  It's not acceptable.  Not for you or anyone else.  Plenty of people have mental health issues.  It is their responsibility to take care of those issues so that it doesn't affect their lives and the lives of those who they're in a relationship with.  When you're in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues, you have to have standards that they must maintain in order to stay in the relationship.  Problems that they face must be dealt with that allows them to remain an active person in the relationship.  If they don't, you don't stay.  Compromising a healthy life for yourself is not an option.  

In this situation you know that in the future you can count on having him withdraw for a very extended period when things go wrong.  You'll be in a relationship alone, feeling uncared for, unloved and will be unsure how to proceed or what to do -- just as you are now.  

This is unacceptable.  You've witnessed first hand that he doesn't seek help, he crawls in a hole.  Forget 30 days no contact.  Wish him well and move on with your life.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 10:20am
Yes someone made accusations about him he met with hr, managers etc. and it was under investigation while it was under investigation he asked several people to go speak on his behalf and the company was pissed that he interfered with the investigation and suspended him until further notice. Per his union contract he is still getting paid. I think the company will have to do something soon instead of paying him indefinitely When ask about him all the company says that he will be gone for awhile. No I am not diagnosing him as depressed this is his words to me. According to him he is looking for another job. After reading up on depression actually its the exact opposite people tend to withdraw and isolate themselves especially from their loved ones. It's not just me he has cut off contact with. His best friends have called and texted and he hasn't responded. He is in a bad way right now although I agree he needs to do somethings to stop this downhill spiral there is not much that can happen until there is a resolution of coming back or getting another job. Thanks for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 2:05am

Something doesn't sound right about the whole story!  Someone told lies about him, and he was suspended?  For how long?  If they didn't give him a time frame, then it was a nice way of saying he's fired.  If it was lies, then did he defend himself?  I don't think you're hearing the full story.  You're "diagnosing" him as depressed......but it takes tests to come up with a definitive diagnosis of clinical depression.  Being sad, or reclusive isn't depression, it's sadness, and he needs to get over it........either defend himself and get his job back, or go find another job.  He's not accomplishing anything by sitting in a dark room.  This guy has problems, and the fact that he has a problem, but he's avoiding you because of it......says it's not much of a relationship.  Most people with problems are willing and even anxious to talk to their "significant other".......I'd say the "no contact" should be for the next 30 years, not days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 9:19am
Hi 2nd_life, He doesn't get angry with me. He is angry at the job and why he is being put through this. A few times when I reached out he has responded but for the most part he has not responded and during those times he responded is when he told me he hates the job and that he is looking for a new one and at this point he doesn't care if he comes back. I called him last Friday and he didn't pick up but texted that he would call me back and when he didn't i got upset and thats when he told me he was depressed and the only thing that makes him feel better is sitting in a dark room. He doesn't talk much. When I went to him he was sad and not saying much at all. I hope this clears it up a little. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 1:32am

Taz_jiggy I'm not sure I understand correctly.  In your post you describe someone who doesn't reach out or respond when you do, and when you go to him you get nothing more than a morose explanation that he's depressed and only sitting in a dark room will fix it.  However, in your replies you suggest he gets angry at you and that he's taking steps to find new employment.  Can you share a description of the situation that captures what's really going on? I'd love to answer, but can't really because I'm not sure what the actual situation is.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:28pm
Thanks Musiclover12 Yes you are right i can see him being upset initially, but then re-focusing and trying to move forward. He did tell me that he is looking for a new job. Which I think is a great because I don't see how he could come back. We are going into month 2 and my attitude is like you said if you don't want to talk fine we won't talk and at this point i can't justify waiting around. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:20pm
Hi Oyveymaria Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. Yes he does have a habit of retreating to his own world when there is an issue. He would do that a lot in the beginning of the relationship and then stopped because I expressed to him how that made me feel. Then the suspension happened and he seem to revert back to his old ways. In talking to his best friend for over 20 years today he told me he hasn't heard from him in about a month (when the suspension happened) and I saw his co-worker also a good friend of his at the job yesterday and he told me he has been calling and texting him several times a day for the last month and he is not picking up or returning his text. It seems he has completely shut down with the exception of talking to me a couple of times. At this point I am taking caring of me and when he is ok and joins the world we will talk and most likely the outcome being an end to our relationship. I'm looking forward to spend time with me and refocusing. thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 11:02pm
Safire thanks for your reply. No he doesn't suffer from depression on a daily basis. That's why this has thrown me for a spin because I never saw it coming. He has very bad communications issues which we have been working on, but this is clearly out of control.Yes I am hoping getting some distance will help me see things clearer because this has consumed me for the last month but today is the first time I felt the cloud lifting. Thanks again for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 3:59pm

I was married to someone with bipolar disorder.  I have done reading on the subject and someone else can't "cure" the person who is depressed.  You can be supportive, which you are, but he needs to take responsibility for himself--sitting in a dark room and not talking to anyone but not taking any action or getting counseling or medication, is a route to nowhere.  Is this his plan for the future, just to sit in the house by himself and hope that his problems go away?  that doesn't sound like much of a plan.  I could see someone being upset, like when this first happened, and saying I need some time to myself, but not contacting you for a month when you have been in a long relationship isn't a good solution.  My reaction would be fine--you don't want to talk to me, then deal with it yourself, but I'm not waiting around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 3:20pm

I have pesonally dealt with a few serious bouts of clinical depression. I know that everyone handles it differently. He has continued to avoid you for weeks, shutting you out, keeping you in the dark and outright ignoring you. He is stringing you along in a sense, knowing that you are very worried for him, and yet he can't be bothered to even reply to a text. He is showing you that when the going gets tough, he retreats into his own world and doesn't care if he hurts others. He wants you to understand what he's going through but he wont even share the bad news with you, never mind explain his feelings or even pick up the phone. 

If I were you I would take a good hard look at him and how he is dealing and how he is treating you. This will most likely happen again somehwere down the line in his life. Can you imagine if you were married and had children with him while he was like this? Personally I would stop contacting him all together. He says he talks to his family...well then let him lean on them. Let them care for him. You don't want to add fuel to the fire by breaking up with someone who is in a deep depression but you have the right to think of your self. If he contacts you in the future, which I assume he will at some point, I would let him know that you can't handle being with someone who shuts you out and ignores you, essentially scaring you. You sound like a very caring person. Find someone who appreciates and accepts it and will return the favor. 

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