Will 30 days no contact help or hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Will 30 days no contact help or hurt
Thu, 06-20-2013 - 10:23am

Hi Everyone,

Last month actually 30 days today my boyfriend was suspended from work. He is suspended until further notice over lies someone told.  When the suspension first happened he didn't tell me I found out from his co worker. I texted him but he didn't return the text until 6 days later telling me he is not doing well. I tried to text him again with no response. I was very worried so 2 weeks from the day he was suspended I went by his house. He was sitting there in his work clothes and looking very thin and not well. I stayed an hour and left. He kept his head down and not said much. 


After I left I didn't make contact again until 8 days later I called him and texted him. He responded several hours later. He told me has has not heard anything from his job and he hates the place now. I tried to encouraged him to call the job but I doubt he did it. I tried to call the next day (last Friday) and he didn't pick up instead he sent me a text and said I'll call you back. He didn't and I did exactly what I wasn't suppose to do. I took it personally and told him I'll try him next week to see if he has time for me. He responded and said "I don't think you understand what I am going through I speak to my family because they live here if not I would be in a room by myself. When I get like this I can't help it. The only thing that makes me feel better is being in a dark room. I am depressed right now" I told him no i don't know what he is going through and I apologized that this is new and I don't always know what to do. This is hard for me you were taken away from me and sometimes I feel I'll never see you again. I said would it be easier if I left you alone and you reach out when you need me. He didn't respond. I sent him a message on Father's day and he said thank you.  I tried reaching out to him yesterday because everything I have read tells you shouldn't leave a person who is depressed alone. I got no response. 


He clearly said sitting in a dark room makes him feel better. The man obviously has been through this and has gotten himself out. We have only been together for a year and half,so this is the first time I am seeing this type of behavior.I am losing it and feel that anything I do and say will be a mistake and pi** him off. He doesn't lash out he just ignores me. We work at the same place and I am afraid that although we have a relationship outside the job,  when he sees or talks to me he is reminded of the job. The place that is screwing him around right now. So as of today I went into 30 days no contact. I don't know what else to do but give him so space. I just don't know if this will be seen as unsupportive and I don't love him because I do more than anything.  I told him I wasn't given up on us so if I stop speaking to him will that give him mixed messages?  it goes against everything i've read about people being depressed It says to call often but i feel calling often is only pi**ing him off and making him worse. If anyone has any other suggestions on how to help. The 30 days for me is needed to get refocused because I've been completely stressed and feel like I am becoming depressed as well. 


Thank you for listening. 


Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Fri, 06-28-2013 - 2:01am

Taz, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here.  Work has been crazy, to say the least.

Reading through this thread, it seems like every time anyone says something negative about your boyfriend's behavior you come back with something that lessens the issue the responder is bringing up.  Musiclover really nailed it, but you didn't see what she was saying, or you didn't want to hear it.  

Someone who excludes the people around him to sit in a room and dwell on his issue isn't ok.  He says he has depression problems, but here's the deal - HE needs to deal with them, and hiding for a month plus is not dealing with them, is not trying to deal with them and is certainly not acceptable.  Yes, he may be making some small movements but Taz, a week isn't ok, a few days is too much  a month is completely off the spectrum of acceptable. I have no problem believing he's got a depression problem, but it's HIS problem and HE needs to do the work to make sure it doesn't take over his life (like it has).  Maybe he's getting better and that's great, but the point is now you know that when things go back he crawls in a hole and shuts you out for a month and more.  That is not a healthy or normal relationship.  It's not acceptable.  Not for you or anyone else.  Plenty of people have mental health issues.  It is their responsibility to take care of those issues so that it doesn't affect their lives and the lives of those who they're in a relationship with.  When you're in a relationship with someone who has mental health issues, you have to have standards that they must maintain in order to stay in the relationship.  Problems that they face must be dealt with that allows them to remain an active person in the relationship.  If they don't, you don't stay.  Compromising a healthy life for yourself is not an option.  

In this situation you know that in the future you can count on having him withdraw for a very extended period when things go wrong.  You'll be in a relationship alone, feeling uncared for, unloved and will be unsure how to proceed or what to do -- just as you are now.  

This is unacceptable.  You've witnessed first hand that he doesn't seek help, he crawls in a hole.  Forget 30 days no contact.  Wish him well and move on with your life.

~ cl-2nd_life