Will this be me in a few years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Will this be me in a few years?
3
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 4:13am
I would appreciate any thoughts/ insights/ comments/ suggestions from all. Thanks for posting and please dont be too harsh on me....

Perhaps its my own insecurities, or my age (24) but I dont want to end up like this woman. I read her online posting and this is what it said.

"I am 26 and my husband 37, married 2 years, and have a 2 year old child. My problem is that my husband was married before for 8 years and they have a son together. When we first were married it kind of bothered me that we couldn't get married in the church, but I figured life isn't perfect and that was a small thing to get mad about when you find the right person. However soon after we got married I found out that in his divorce decree (which I hadn't read before) he gave his ex-wife a lot of things (1/2 his retirement, life insurance guaranteed to only his son, and he bought a BMW for his wife right before they divorced and continued paying for it after the divorce and $60k in bills, and gave her the house.) I feel he did this because he still loved her but they had money problems and she started having an affair because of it and married the rich guy she had an affair with while my husband filed bankruptcy.

The reason I am mad is because it has been a real struggle for us to keep above water and food on the table. I feel it's unfair that she took so much from him and that in the future she can take so much from our family. Also my husband is real bitter now and is embarrassed that we only live in a trailer and only have one car. I find myself obsessed with dogging this woman out almost every day and can't feel good unless I am pointing out all her bad qualities. It has become a way of life for me. I realize he let her get away with this so it is partly his fault too, but I see her as the enemy and the reason we are struggling so hard.

***I am also regretful for not having the opportunity to have that wonderful church wedding and get mad thinking of all the firsts he had with her (i.e. sex, buying a house, first child). I am so jealous of the relationship they had and feel cheated that I didn't get the same opportunities. I also feel the need to try to do everything better than she did. If I hear she cooked a meal good, could dance a certain way good, or had a certain size diamond ring. I make it my mission to do whatever better than her and have to have a bigger diamond or I throw a fit. I get so jealous I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her, and I fear that one day because of the love that never really died they might end up in bed together again. He also denies having any romantic feelings and says he hates her for what she did, only I feel that even though he hates what she did, he might still have feeling for the way they were. I am almost ready to get a divorce because my own jealousy is driving me crazy, even though I really love him. I know that sounds stupid. I wish I had someone to have all the firsts with and all the excitement and novelty that comes with that.***

His son doesn't visit us too much because his mother doesn't let him. However I have started getting nasty with the son. I think I am taking out my frustrations on him and I really really hate myself for that. I have become a bitter, jealous, obsessed person. My husband has started telling me I am obsessed with his past and he is getting sick of it. I am a grade-school teacher so this isn't usually in my character. My question is should I get a divorce? It seems the more I fall in love with him the more jealous and insecure I get that I wasn't first.

Signed,

The Second Wife"

Although my current boyfriend does not have a son, I am not sure about his finances with his ex-wife. The main paragraph that really hit me and I realized I was not alone was when she said that she felt resentment and anger and she wanted out now after they married. Is she wrong for feeling this way? I fear that I may feel the same way in a few years when my love for him deepens. Initially it would bother me alot, when we would attend his friends weddings or anything would remind me of her or their wedding, i would have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom because i did not want to cry in front of him and his friends and family. it hurts me alot for some reason to think about the fact that this person that I love so much has had a wife before. i just feel like i am always going to be second in his life and everyone will always see me as the replacement. i just never feel that i am good enough or as good as her. i just keep thinking about his life with her. did he love her as much as he loved me? how did he treat her? was he really happy with her? is he happier with me? am i more special to him in his eyes? is it better this time around or am i simply a replacement? i guess maybe i am too competitive nad jealous about his life with her in the past, he started a life with her, he bought a car & house with her, they lived together, sex, etc. he had promised to love this person in the presence of God for life, he had chose her to be his life partner because he loved her so much. they had gotten divorced because they simply grew apart and she wanted different things in life, she no longer wanted a family but a career was more important to her and she moved back to her country. of course he was heartbroken and blamed himself for being inadequate and screwing up his marriage. after some time, he has moved on and that was when he met me. i also know that he wants to marry me in the near future. but i am worried that these demons will still come to haunt me in the years to come. i cannot change or hide from the fact. i feel as if all this thinking is driving me crazy. and it is driving him crazy because it frustrates him that he cannot help me change his past and he has to see me this way. I guess when I come across reminders of her or their marriage, I get really depressed and sad and theres this awful sinking feeling in my chest. But, I try to reassure myself with the fact that he loves me dearly and he treats me alot better than her. He tries to do everything in his power to make me feel "first" and special, I know we are 2 totally different people but he knows that I do have a hard time with it. He promises me a more grander wedding, a bigger ring, a better house, etc. so that I wont compare. He tells me that he loves me more and he loves everything about me more. My parents agree with me that he is a wonderful person and we have a good relationship. They dont seem to think that his prior marriage is a big deal, they just try to reassure me that its just a piece of paper and people make mistakes and that sometimes their life takes a new course (destiny). Perhaps his destiny had to end that way in order to meet me. But I cant help my feelings or thinking when I do feel jealous or insecure sometimes, but I dont hate his ex wife or resent him. Over the course of 3 years, I have learned to deal with my emotions and I have managed to block it out most of the time. Not that I would ever get USED to it, but I guess, deal with it. I am constantly looking for answers and maybe advice that can support me or help me thru this mental battle. I am trying everything I possibly can to learn to fight my feelings and tell myself I am being childish. I just wish I couldnt feel this way and I could stop these feelings. I have never really felt this way when I had previous serious boyfriends, because I guess their ex-gf were just that, a gf and not a wife. In my eyes, a wife is just different. And I just wanted so badly to be his first wife. So I know where I stand. Either I shut up and deal with it or if I cannot deal with him, leave him. But I love him enough that I want to learn to deal with it, as much as I can bear. And just maybe in time, things will be ok. Thanks for reading and if you have any comments, I would definitely appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 6:26am
You have some serious work and growing up to do before you even THINK about getting married. The only bright spot in what you have described is that at least you are AWARE that a problem exists - that's the first step (but ONLY the first step) toward solving it.

The first thing I would do is see a therapist about your "issues." First, you need an objective observer to help you discover whether they have ANY basis whatsoever. The truth is that they MAY. No one here, however, could possibly know or assess that. What I mean is, no matter what your b/f says, the root of your feelings may actually be in less obvious clues he gives you about your ACTUAL position in the relationship.

Once you have determined that your relationship is really as great as you say it is, then it's time to turn your work and attention to yourself. In order for a marriage to work, and for you both to be happy, you will have to GET OVER the feelings you have about the ex-wife. She exists. There's NOTHING you can do to change that. So, if you can't get over the feelings you have described (with the therapist's help), then the smartest thing you can do for yourself and the kindest thing you can do for your fiance, is to move on.

The LAST thing you want to do (and it doesn't sound as though you are considering this, thank heaven) is to let yourself believe that "it will just work out." It won't. I didn't read the quote you started your post with, but clearly, what that woman did was forge ahead with the marriage before getting over the obstacles. That's like setting out on a long trip with half a tank of gas in the car and no money to buy any more. You're not going to get very far, and you are going to be disappointed.

Now, I also said you needed to grow up - and by that I meant that part of overcoming your problem is getting to the point where you can see your situation clearly. You have to be able to internalize the Serenity Prayer "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You need to accept the realities of the past and the fact that those realities cannot be changed; you need the courage to overcome your insecurities (or whatever the real issues turn out to be); and you need to gain the maturity it takes to accomplish these tasks.

If you do this work, you'll be a better person for it, no matter what the ultimate outcome of this particular situation turns out to be.

Good luck to you.

Lee M.

Avatar for jenniferstell
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 5:14pm
I don't really have any miracles words to make you feel better, but I can give you my story. See, I'm currently in my second marriage. My first husband grabbed my heart at a young age and totally took control of it. I loved him so much and so hard that it sometimes took my breath away! Our marriage came to an end because he just "found someone else." I felt as though I was dying inside. Then, one day I felt a little better and another day I felt a little better. After about 2 years, I met this fantastic man that I'm now married to. I never thought that I could love someone as much as my first husband, and you know what? I do now. My love for my current husband is as strong and sound and abiding as my love for my first husband never could have been. I will never regret marrying my first husband, so don't try to make your bf regret his previous relationship. Had I not married my first husband, I may never have even met my current husband. I still remember the feelings I had for my ex-husband, but they're just memories. I'm allowed to have them and so is your bf. They're just memories and they fade. If he has now chosen you (as I chose my current husband), then trust that he is over any feelings he may have had for her, but don't be scared of the memories. I can tell you from my own experience, the memories are nothing compared to the love that I share with my husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 6:20pm
Do not marry him until you have completely let go of these feelings 100%. That could take years, or a somewhat shorter time with therapy, or never happen at all. If you can't come to grips with this, and let go of the mindset that as a second wife you'd be second best, that you would be cheated out of being first choice (even though he hadn't even met you in order to make some kind of choice), if it causes you so much pain to know that he loved someone else before you, lived a full life before you and didn't live as a solitary, celibate monk, then you must search for a man who has never been married. Even though I think your feelings are the result of deep insecurity, that you are not even close to being ready for marriage, and your feelings are not those of an emotionally healthy woman, they are your feelings and they are real. Just remember that there are no guarantees in life. You could move on, and fall in love with a man who has never been married, and doesn't ever want to be married. Then you wouldn't be so hurt and obsessing about being a second wife, you'd be crying in sorrow over not be his wife at all.