Will it ever change?
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| Thu, 02-16-2006 - 3:37pm |
My bf and I have a great relationship for the most part. We have our differences from time to time but overall we are both very much in love and very happy together. We do have something I see as a major roadblock though & I'm just not sure what to do with this.
A few months back I had found a lot of porn he had downloaded onto my computer. I am pretty open about porn but draw the line when it's accessible to the kids & also when it involves minors. My computer is the ONLY one in the house and the kids use it regularly so that was problem number one. Then when I saw the age of the girls in the files he downloaded I was extremely p***** off as most of them were minors! We ended up in an argument about it and I thought that was the end of it till about a month ago.
This time he had his computer at my house, I don't even remember the reason why he brought it over, nor is it really important. Anyway his computer was running and as soon as I moved the keyboard out of the way to get to my computer, the monitor turned on and there was a download program running with various teenage pornograpy files listed that had failed to download the night before (I had went to bed much earlier than he did). This time I was really angry at him about it. We argued about it once again and he assured me that he would get rid of ALL of the porn on his computers and would not download anything again.
Then last night I was at work, he stayed at my house with my kids as I was short a babysitter last night. He brought over his computer to do some updates (I have a much faster internet connection than he does at his house). I've had this suspicion that he has not stopped with the pornography so I looked on his computer. Sure enough, there were files downloaded on January 30th, 31st, and last night. We usually spend the nights together when I'm not working and the 30th & 31st I was working so he would have been at his house. Today I found over 200 files of pictures and video clips involving pornography and most of them were teenagers. I called him at work & asked him how the teen vidoes were last night & he outright denied it. Said he worked on the updates then went to bed. I basically tell him I'm not stupid when it comes to computers and that I knew he had downloaded that stuff.
Later on he calls and tells me that his kids are going to daycare and he would be by later to pick up his stuff then hangs up. I couldn't get ahold of him as he left for lunch then so I drive to his work to find out what he means by that. He tells me that he has nothing to say to me. So I ask if he's calling it quits because of this and he tells me it's up to me. NOPE, not going there, every time we have a disagreement he says open ended things that could be taken as a break up and then when I ask if he's done with the relationship he throws it back on me to make a decision. I told him that my feelings on the relationship still stand firm, and that this time it's up to him. I asked him about 5 times what he's going to do & each time I either got no answer or got told that he was going back to work or told what he was going to do at work (again no real answer). I finally tell him that I was sorry for infringing on his time and walked away. He follows me and opens my car door & tells me if I drive away it's over. We get into an argument in the parking lot & he finally says he'll be over after work so I leave.
Now I'm sitting here wondering if things will ever change. We've had this argument 3 times now and he still just completely ignores my feelings on the subject. Then to top it off he lies about it. Makes me wonder what else he's capable of lying about. I just don't know what to do. 99.9% of our relationship is so wonderful & I hate to throw it all away because of this but I just can't tolerate lies & deception.

By the way, hop over to the "Families Damaged by Pornography" board here on ivillage. You might come away being a little less "open-minded" about porn.
ALL OF MY SIRENS AND RED FLAGS ARE GOING OFF.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I have to chime in here and say that a man with an affinity for underage children should NOT be in your house -- period.
Emt's previous post can be found here:
Stuck in limbo due to family
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Emt, this is serious, very, very dangerous situation for your children to be placed in and very, very likely you're in a relationship with a man who has a porn addiction.
Having had training in children and sexual abuse, I can absolutely guarantee you that it doesn't't matter which sex your children are, if this man is a pedophile, your children are in danger and may have already been abused. If not, they may be in the grooming process, where they are readied for abuse by the abuser. Ugly stuff I know, and I bet you're thinking, "My guy would never do that!" You could well be joining the millions of women who wrongly thought the exact same thing. As someone who works in a federal probation office where pedophiles, porn addicts and others are supervised, I have read more descriptions and reports on what porn addicts download, how they operate, the crossover from porn addict to sex abuser (it's very often a matter of conditioning, and viewing kiddy porn is a major conditioner). I can tell you stories of email and IM conversations that are part of porn investigations that would make your skin crawl as they relate to what these guys say about not being able to wait until they can get their hands on their girlfriend's children, etc. Meanwhile, the girlfriend/family/friends have no idea what this guy is really like, they're defending him, standing by him and the evidence in the investigation (the emails and IMs) are not something that can be disclosed to them. Your children are in danger. Resolving to never leave them alone with him again is not enough, they -- and you -- need to be far, far away from him -- always.
Perhaps he's not a pedophile and perhaps he never becomes one. Kiddy porn (teen porn qualifies) is illegal. Hundreds of files is indicative of an addict - absolutely. Hundreds of files is also indicative of a federal conviction for a sex crime. That means prison, years of supervision and a lifetime of registering as a sex offender. This is serious and this is not something you want in your life, please believe me.
At the outside, what you know for certain is that:
These reasons should be more than enough to cut all ties with this guy.
Emt, I, like you, don't have a problem with porn, but this goes way beyond "typical, acceptable" use, this is something you need to take a stand on and now. Don't wait for him to decide, tell him you want no part of him anymore and make a hard and permanent break immediately. I know this is hard for you, but every fiber of your being should be screaming to get your children and yourself permanently away from this man immediately -- no looking back.
I also hope you'll answer Dirextor's questions, I'll be checking back for your answers to her.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't know if you will be back to read this or not, but I have to say that you need to protect your kids. This dude is looking at kiddy porn. GET RID OF HIM. I don't care how much you love him, etc etc.
I don't normally TELL people what to do in such explicit terms but I will say it again. GET RID OF THIS GUY.
I guess now I will explain my reason for being so emphatic. Which goes along with everyone elses but has an added dimension to it.
When I was a preteen, I was abused by a family member. One with a known history of abuse. (I didn't know.) In MY opinion, it wasn't "major" abuse, ie I wasn't raped, etc. It never got that far because I said something early on. But you have no idea how much I resent my mother for not protecting me from it. It took YEARS before I could stop the nightmares. And I still have residual issues, though I have worked through most everything. But you do NOT want to subject your kids to that. And if you do, well, then be ready for them to hate you.
Jen
EMT, I've just read everyone's messages and very much agree with them.
I'll be honest and say that I hadn't even considered the pedophile aspect, but I would have dumped him for single act of downloading porn into PCs that my kids use.
I don't have issues with porn per se, but my priorities are 100% with my children and under no circumstances would I want to risk having them find it.
This man has proven himself to be a liar. Who knows what other lies he's told you? Your whole relationship could well be based on lies.
emt07peg,
I'm sorry if I repeat any of the other posts, I was just too anxious to post that I couldn't go through all of the others. I don't mean to offend you with my post and I don't want to make waves. I'm sorry that this may sound harsh, but I can't think of any other way to come out with my two cents.
I can't for the life of me believe that you are more concerned with whether or not this relationship is going to work and not the fact that this man, who addicted to looking at child porn was in the house ALONE with YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!! Do you not see something wrong with this picture??
Who cares about the man, your kids are your top priority and you should be looking out for them first.
I'm my humble opinion a leppard can't change his spots. He is who he is.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal