Is withholding a secret lying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Is withholding a secret lying?
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 9:15am
Hi there. I have been married for 1 year and our relationship was built on friendship and trust. My husband has assured me he's totally honest with me, and tells me everything, he'd never cheat or lie. I know he has good values.

Yesterday I found nicorette gum in the washing machine. When I asked him about it, he told me he's been addicted to it for 2 years, he has 10-20 pieces a day. He says he was embarrassed to tell me since his ex-wife put him down for using it, and says it's the only secret I do not know about him.

I feel betrayed and lied to. Mostly because he's told me that I'm his best friend and he tells me everything, yet this has been kept from me since I met him, 2 years ago.

I am in shock right now.. and not sure what to think. I feel betrayed, am I off-base? I need your help. Should I worry what else he's keeping from me? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 3:52pm
Life is going to be a long time for any marriage if there are no secrets. If you know all there is to know about someone, what else is there to talk about? Can you honestly say that there is not ONE thing you keep from him?

He was embarrassed to tell you because he was afraid that you would see him in a negative light. Well, guess did! Perhaps he should have been more forthcoming, but we all have our vices that we don't want to be lectured about. For some it's food, others it's nicotine, or excessive shopping. He wasn't doing it to hurt you. Be supportive of him, and if he wants to quit he will. But you can't convince him to do it. He has to want to do it on his own.