At wit's end. Guy needs woman's advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
At wit's end. Guy needs woman's advice
21
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 4:04pm

Hello. This is something I think I would need a woman's point of view to understand.

I've been married for 17 years, and we have our host of problems along the way like most married couples do. I normally keep our problems to myself since I don't like to say negative things about my wife to others. I'm sure I have my own faults, and I am always careful that my own faults are not transferring blame to my wife. Because of this, I don't say anything to anybody. But I can't really take it anymore...

Over the years, my wife has been becoming increasingly self-centered and uncaring woman. It seems like everything is about her. She demands so much attention and is not willing to give anything back. She expects me to listen to her personal problems and conflicts going on in her life, but rarely gives me 2 seconds out of her day to sit and listen to something that bugs me without jumping to a conclusion, blurting it out, then moving on to something pertaining to her.

Never asks me about my business, how my day went, and so on. I've worked my rear off the last 6 years building a ranch for her, both financially through my business, and with my own sweat during weekends and evenings. The last 3 months I am doing something for myself and have been studying for an examination, and "farm chores" are on hold. Do I get a supportive wife? Heck no, she is getting increasingly bitter because I'm not planting her precious roses and all the other stuff she is buying and leaving it waiting for me to plant, build, cultivate, etc.

We have one son together, aged 15. We both are still fairly young for children of that age. He was gone yesterday (Father's Day) on a trip. He felt bad, but I said it would be OK. My wife spent yesterday making me feel miserable, didn't say one word about "Happy Father's Day". This is from a woman who wants to be treated like a queen on Mother's Day from husband a son alike. I don't remember a worse day in my recent history and had a heaviness that would not go away. Today I am getting the cold treatment, probably because I didn't give her enough attention yesterday (I was not in a good mood). So again, it's about her.

I've come to wit's end and don't know how much more I can take. I take vows seriously, but now am starting to think some crazy things about affairs and leaving one day and never coming back. How much can one person give without getting anything back? I have friends that pamper their wives, but they get pampered back, and I am starting to get very envious. The temptation for extramarital activities isn't about sex at all; it's about feeling appreciated.

Is this a doomsday scenario coming up? Any input would be appreciated.

P.S. Talking to my wife about this will not work. Here is another of her major faults. She cannot be wrong about anything. About once every few weeks I have to put up with "how I do this, how I don't do that, why do I do this, why don't I do that." Bring up anything wrong with her is a big mistake. At first I tried arguing with her, but that doesn't work, so I just learned to let it slide.

Avatar for ddnlj
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 3:36pm

For someone with as many deep-seated problems as she has it's a shame she won't seek some professional counseling. Does she understand that she is emotionally out of control and that it is taking a toll on everyone around her?

It is not fair for you or your son to live in such turmoil. Your son is learning relationship skills from the two of you, so what are you teaching him?

It's very doubtful your wife, at least right now, will recognize her problems on her own. She has such low self-esteem that she can't take on any more failures in herself; the blame has to go onto someone else now. And you're right. She does get a sense of power and self-worth from trying to control everyone around her. She may not realize she's a tyrant; but people who desperately need to control others are fearful and insecure. The fear of not being in total control is overpowering. My mother was like that. She had to control every aspect of everything around her to the point of creating havoc for everyone. Looking at my mother's history I know why she was like that, but it didn't make it any easier to live with her. And because many times people continue "tradition", so to speak, I ended up marrying a man so much like my mother it wasn't funny.

We could psychoanalyze your wife to pieces, but the truth is she needs some professional help. You may not like conflict, but you're going to have to either stand up to her and demand that things change and that she get help in order to change, or you are going to walk. You can't fix her yourself. She can't even fix herself without help. Either she work with you and the two of you make a decision to do what is necessary to fix the marriage so that both of you can live peacefully for the sake of your child, or you get out of the hostile environment that she has created. You're living with verbal and mental abuse and no one deserves that.

If she cares enough about you and your son she will at least have the common sense to realize she's pushed her luck too far and she needs to make some changes. If she refuses, then you know exactly where you stand with her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 3:53pm
Well said.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 5:10pm

Again, all I can say is she MAY sing a different tune when you say, go to counseling or this marriage is over. "Suggesting" counseling is, IMO, very different from saying that.

And even if she doesn't go, at least if you tell her that point blank, you will know in your heart that YOU tried everything that you could.

I'm curious as to why you are so resistant to saying that to her. Perhaps you are really not ready to end the marriage if she says no (which sounds like the most likely outcome)?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 5:57pm

Sheri,

Giving her an ultimatum is not the problem, but they are fighting words, and if I say them, I need to be prepared to follow through on both counts. With that said, there are 1,001 different issues to deal with all at once, from packing up my business which I run from the house, finding a place and re-establishing elsewhere. My rights as a father in my state, alimony and child support laws in my state, and so on. To avoid stepping out of the heat and into the fire, I need to be prepared by consulting an attorney beforehand, at the least. Thank you for your help.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-22-2005 - 6:30pm

I understand! Thanks for the clarification. I'm sorry that it's likely going to come to a separation and divorce, but being prepared for that is a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 3:56pm

Hi I lurk here sometimes. There are lots of good posts. I am just throwing my 2 cents in here. In the past few months I have witnessed 3 tragedies related to bad relationships. I point this out to say that there are worse things than divorce. A co-worker of mine, a man had a wife similiar to the one described by imaslick. His marriage had been arranged. Anyway, I knew him well, and he was a very nice person. But on memorial day weekend he stabbed his wife to death, their son came home from college found his mother dead. My co-worker baracaded himself in the house and set the house and himself on fire. Everyone acted surprised. I thought it was so unfortunate that things escalated to this horrible tragedy. They had been married for 22 years, all those years of unmitigating stress and he did not seek help with a counselor. If only he had divorced her, but he didn't.

Then a friend of mine had an abusive boyfriend (he was verbally abusive, uncaring etc), she went back to him after being away. The boyfriend beat her all night and shot her dead in the morning. Finally, I know of an old couple separated for 40 years. The husband can no longer care for himself and because he never divorced his wife, the vindicative wife is making sure he gets the worst care possible. His children are having a hard time legally trying to stop the wife.

I bring these tales up not to be morbid, but to point out something that I don't see mentioned here too often. No relationship is worth being a martyr for, and things can get worse, terribly worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 7:14am

cheriberri,

hmmmmm. Interesting post. You are right,people don't usually discuss the point you bring up.

Thanx.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 12:51pm
I am glad that you understood the point I was trying to bring up. I was hesitant to post it because people would think that such instances are so extreme. But knowing these people personally, they were no different from the rest of us. Especially my co-worker he was the kindest man, I never thought he would do something like that he just wasn't the aggressive or violent type. (He stopped playing basketball with other co-workers because it was getting too rough). I did know that he was having stress in his marriage. He asked his wife for a divorce once and she told him that she would kill herself if he did. He told me that he didn't want his wife the mother of his child to be killed, so they discussed staying together. The two years later he ended up killing her. I honestly believe he just snapped and his actions probably surprised even him. I don't know, I hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-24-2005 - 1:11pm

Cheri, I hope you never hesitate to post that kind of thing on this board.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 06-25-2005 - 3:52pm

Although your wife has said that she won't go to counseling, she might respond to a suggestion made by a poster on another board here at ivillage. That poster suggested that the spouse who was thinking of ending the marriage say something like, "I am so concerned about our marriage that I am going to see a counselor with you or without you. I hope you will consider coming with me, so the counselor will also be able to see the matter from your point of view."

Please follow through and go to counseling yourself, with or without her. You really need someone objective to talk to, who can help you find the best way to either mend or end your marriage.