worried about marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2005
worried about marriage.
6
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 11:47am
I am not even sure how to start this but...here it goes.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. It has been rocky and we both have put a lot of work into it. We recently have welcomed a son into our lives, which is wonderful, but lately I have been noticing odd behavior with my husband.
He has many feminine qualities, and I always knew this but lately they are becoming more apparent. There are just things that he says and does that I often say to him "that is not something a guy would say/do" and I feel horrible saying this to him but I am worried that he may be beginning to have feelings for men. (i am not at all homophobic, but this makes my stomach turn to think of what would happen to our lives if it were true) he has said that i make him feel like less of a man and that some of the things that i say don't make him feel manly...i am honestly not saying them a lot at all though.
i have told my girlfriends some of these things but never to the fact that i thought this about him...well, they had an "intervention" of sorts and told me that they thought that he was gay from the time that they met him. so i am dealing with that, then every morning he has been acting very sneaky so i see what he is doing...putting on foundation before work! what the heck! so i have done my best to tell him how great i think he looks and how i think that he doesn't need it, well he says that he feels better with it and he is just selfconcious about scars and pimples. i am really trying to be open and supportive and tell him that we can find some other way to treat these issues. he told me this morning that he doesn't want to wear this "make-up" but he just feels like he wants to cover these things up.
now, i have come out and asked him on one occasion if he was gay and he said no. i told him that all i want is for him to be happy and if that is what makes him happy then i do not want to hold him back. our sex life is lifeless and boring. but this could be me too. so i am not sure what to do. please help me with any advice that you may have. i am really trying to tell him how great and awesome i think that he is and maybe it is just not enough. please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:22pm

I don't have tons of advice on the issue but I do have one thing I want to say.

Stop telling him that he says/does things that "real men" wouldn't do. That would destroy any guy. Whether you say it a lot or only occassionally, it's still not good.

And maybe, just maybe, he is self-conscious about scars and pimples and wants to cover them up. Honestly, there are times where I've put foundation on my H to cover a blemish.

I just asked my H and he said if I was making comments to him about how "that is not something a guy would say/do" every month or two, it would GREATLY affect his self-esteem and really bother him. He also said that if the guy was wearing foundation (and just foundation) to hide scars/acne, it wouldn't be an issue (unless he was a mechanic, then he said it would be odd, lol.), and he also agrees with me that there are A LOT of effeminate straight men out there. His BIL is one. Costume/drama major in college who loves to sew. First time I met him he went on and on about the fabric I had on. And the first thing SIL said when she told us about him was "He's NOT gay."

So, stop it already. Accept your H is telling you the truth and stop critisizing him.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:40am
I know someone who's husband of ten years announce he was gay and asked for a divorce, it happens. All her friends also suspected he was gay from the start as well. It happens, but that doesn't mean it's the true in your situation. I have some questions:


  • You said he's been acting strange lately; besides the make up, how is he acting different? How long as he been acting different?
  • You said your sex life is "lifeless and boring", but that it could be you too. What do you mean it could be you too? What's going on?
  • I assume there are more problems in your relationship than make up and lifeless, boring sex, yes? What are they?


    I will say that as Jen pointed out, telling a man he's saying things "no man would say" is ego and libido killing. It could also be why he snuck to apply the make up rather than be honest; after all, you already thought he was less than a real man, what would you say and think if you saw this? It's not exactly a statement that builds confidence, security or bonds people together. It could very easily be playing a big part in your sex problems.

    "...he has said that i make him feel like less of a man and that some of the things that i say don't make him feel manly...i am honestly not saying them a lot at all though." You don't have to say them often, once is enough. He's told you clearly what your statements are doing to him, and again, this is an ego and confidence killer.


    I'm not saying this is all your fault, and I do want to hear the answers to the questions I asked, but I wanted you to recognize that your actions and statements could be playing a big part in this too.








  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-25-2005
    Fri, 09-01-2006 - 11:18am

    wow do i feel like crap...

    i admit i am not saying the right things at all...but it has been 7 years of him telling me that if he sees me naked too much he is going to get sick of it, and him questioning why in the world would we have sex more than a couple of times on our honeymoon, time and time again him not wanting to pleasure (tmi - sorry) me in bed...me feeling like a piece of furniture that doesn't really do it for him, on our last anniversary telling me that he just wants to give up and saying it at least once a week lately! there are a ton of little things.

    to answer your questions:
    1. has been acting strange because i was teasing around and told him what would he say if i told him that i wanted to be with a woman? he said well he would want to be with a man. now if your husbands would say this then great. he has always been rather distant, but there is hardly any affection at all. he kisses me like i am his mother.

    2.know that our sex life is my responsibility too, so i am taking the initiative to pump it up. i told him that i think that we should designate at least one night a week for it no matter what. so we will see how that goes.

    3.there have always been issues in our marriage due to mostly his family-i don't get along with them. and he has wathced them beat me down, i know that he can not control what they say or do, i dont't know...

    i am trying, in so many ways to show him that i love him and want to be with him. one second i think, no he isn't gay then the next i get this feeling in my stomach that is just horrible that he is.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:13pm
    Meesha, I hope you didn't feel attacked or judged, that's not at all what I was trying to do. It sounds like you've got a lot of problems here.


    If you can stand it, more questions:


    1.The teasing. I don't understand why it's okay for you to tease about wanting to be with a woman, but his saying the exact thing back throws up a red flag. And I really don't understand how this would cause him to act strange from that time on.


    2.Sex. If I read you right, it sounds like sex has always been a problem in your relationship; it sounds like maybe he's never wanted much sex and that's been frustrating to you? If that's true, I don't know how much "pumping up" you'll be able to do.


    3.What's going on with his family? How is it that they're beating you down?


    Saying he just wants to give up (on your marriage? life?, what?) weekly is more than a little sign, that's him screaming that he's very unhappy. Have you discusses what he wants to give up, why and what to do about it?


    I understand that if he admitted to being gay it would make his behavior about seeing you naked, the lack of sex and all make sense. It would be easier on your self esteem than thinking that you just don't do it for him. But, he's not saying that, whether it's because he really isn't or because he won't admit it no one can know. What you have to do is decide whether you want to work on the issues that you know are in front of you or not. If you want to divorce him, you don't need the excuse of his being gay to give you permission. If that's not what you want then I think you need to put your suspicions aside and confront the very real problems that do exist. If they aren't resolved, then you can move forward knowing you did everything you could to make it work. Focusing on what you suspect might be doesn't make sense when there are very real and tangible problems right in front of you.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 09-25-2005
    Fri, 09-01-2006 - 4:58pm

    you are right the teasing is not fair for me to say it would be ok for me and then i look at it differently for him. i get it.

    the sex no has never been mind blowing sex. he often says that he is still "trying" and i say alright it is not a big deal. when i would really like more. and maybe that is why when all of this started to surface more i just was looking at every little thing that i could to make some sense of all of it. you are right on though, i have always been more into it than he has been. something that i wish were not true.

    his family- ever since i met them they have been very cold to me, when i am alone with his mother she throws out insulting comments about me and my family and i have come to the point that if she does it again i am going to blow up at her. over the years he has said things to her and that the relationship that i have with his family, and lack of, is one of the only things that we fight about. they just never accepted me. i have extended the olive branch time and time again and i feel just...done with it. i know taht it would make him very happy if everything was great and i had a nice relationship with them that is why i have tried so much. i just can't anymore. the latest thing that she is pulling is contacting him everytime she thinks that i don't respond just the way she wanted to emails or phone calls. it is not that i don't respond or drop her a line once in a while, it is just not exactly the way she wants so then once she goes to him with this he of course comes down on me. look, i have been in therapy due to a lot of this. i can't change his family. at the beginning i wanted to have a close relationship with them as i do mine, but have accepted that that is not going to happen.

    he was referring to giving up on the marriage. i asked him last night if he really wanted to work on things and if he was sure. he said that he did and he was sure.

    i suppose that in my initial post i was wondering if anyone knew of a situation that the husband was gay and what were the signs, how they knew.

    i know that there are a lot of issues that we have to address, and sort out. no, i do not want to divorce him.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 09-01-2006 - 7:48pm
    From your first post, I thought the frequency of sexual contact was a problem, from what you say here that's not it, it's your satisfaction level, correct? Does that mean he's interested in sex as often as you are? If it's not TMI, when he says he's "still trying",, what does that mean? Was sex ever good and satisfying between you?


    I assume from what you said that he's somewhat clueless about his family. I understand that his mother saves what she does for when you're alone with her. I would think he's have some idea how his family really is, but it doesn't sound like it if he comes down on you when he gets complaints from mamma. How do you respond to her? I hope you don't just take it. If you've been in therapy because of it, that says it all; any situation that causes you to need therapy in order to deal with it is pretty serious. I had a boyfriend who's mother was like that once. She visited once (lives far, far away) and when she left I told my boyfriend she was not coming back. No way would I allow someone back in my house to treat me like that. Some people just don't want to have the kind of relationships you want to have, when that's the case, continuing to try is a masochistic act, IMO. It's healthier to remove yourself from it and refusing to put yourself in that situation any more.


    So he said that he really wants to work on things, where do you start? What are you doing to make things different/better, to resolve your issues? How long has it been since your relationship has been good, strong and healthy?


    Sorry if I offended you by asking if you were looking for a way out in your gay suspicion. Some people want out but don't feel they can leave unless they have a tangible reason for doing so. What I mean is, not being happy isn't enough for them, they have to be able to identify that their husband is cheating or some other "divorceable item". I just wanted to know if you were looking for the same -- an excuse for an out.

    Have you considered couples counseling? Would he be willing to go?








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    when you don't get what you want."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"