Would This Bother You Guys?? - Need Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Would This Bother You Guys?? - Need Help
6
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:35am

Ok,

I REALLY need advice here… I met a guy on match (as I've already mentioned)… We've hung out 3 times so far and everything's great. He asked me to be exclusive with him over the weekend too. He's been very upfront and honest about his situation. I'm 29, he's 36 (will be 37 in august). He's divorced with 2 daughters, 11 and 13 (who I met last night). That doesn't bother me. The one thing about his whole situation that bothers me is not the fact that he has a good relationship with the daughter's mother (she is involved with someone and has been steadily for a while now), but the fact that he lives all the way out east and so when he needs to go to a job in nassau (almost 40 mins away) he'll sometimes stay at the house with the ex (or without her when she's staying at the boyfriend's) and the daughters. I am kind of uncomfortable with this and I told him so. He told me there is nothing to worry about, there is absolutely nothing going on there, that they're just good friends now and that she even knows about me and I'll probably meet her sometime soon. I've never dated a divorced guy with kids so I don’t know how to handle this. I just know that he's been very honest and upfront about everything else, he's gone out of his way to be respectful and to treat me right so far, but this one thing just makes me a little uncomfortable. I really need advice on this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:45am

OK well staying with the Ex at their house is not a boundary I would be comfortable with even in a trusting relationship.

It is great that they are friends...spend some time on the divorce and custody board and you will see the other side of this when they are not even close to friends and the havoc that this can reek on a relationship on numerous fronts.

It is great that you have made it clear to him that you are uncomfortable with this. His reaction is apparently that he does not intend to change this behavior. I don't think you can give him an ultimatum and have that work to the positive in this new relationship. So you are faced with accepting this for now and seeing if you can build enough trust with him so that it is truly OK with you (his preferred scenario, and depends on how strongly you are against it) or move on cause you are just never going to be comfortable with this situation even if you have a trusting relationship (probably where I would be). Are there other boundary issues here as well....money, amount of contact, extended family siutation, expectations of other types of assistance ....these can all crop up as well.

Good luck, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:52am

Jackia, I'm at work so haven't been able to really read your post thoroughly, but your first two sentences screamed danger enough to me that I felt it was important to get this out there now rather than to wait until I''m home tonight.


First of all, agreeing to be exclusive with a guy you've only been with three times is very unadvisable for anyone, you don't know him enough to make that kind of commitment.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:56am

I forgot to mention....


I'm also confused.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:23pm

Hello,

Well, I will say that I tried the computer dating thing when I was single. I met several very nice people on there. I met my current DH on e-harmony. It was sooo funny because I wasn't a member,I was just doing the free profile thing for fun. A match came up from my sisters tiny little town an hour from me. (a town where everyone knows everyone) She's known him for years. I asked her about him, she told him, and he gave me a call. He asked me out and I told him no for about 3 months. Then I finally told him ok, but only as a friend. Then we just fell for each other and have been exclusive since our first date. (recentely married) Anyway, my DH and his ex are great friends. She still lives in this little town. That is the one thing about this relationship that I've had the most problems with. In the beginning I was sooooooo glad they are still good friends. Also, the way he still treats and respects the mother of his children is a sign of his good character. However, she still loves him, and up until we were married always found a reason to need his help with something. I have had to dig deep inside myself to try and not let their good friendship come between us. (this is what she had hoped for) In your situation it sounds like he is being really honest, but it would still bother me. What does his ex's boyfriend think of the situation? Does your boyfriend go there a lot? Is there any way she could stay with her new boyfriend whenever he's there to make you feel more comfortable? My ex said my DH and I could stay at his home when we visited my daughter once. He was going to be gone that weekend with his girlfriend. My current DH just could not do it, it would have been too uncomfortable for him. I don't know what the answer is in your situation but it would definitely also make me uncomfortable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:08pm

Jackia, I know you're going to hate this, but not only is your involvement at this stage a serious concern, but I think there are some warning signs that you're not seeing. Not only is it not appropriate for you to agree to be exclusive with a guy you've only seen three times, but, by the same token, a man who asks someone to be exclusive after three meetings is inappropriate too, and the suggestion should be seen as a warning sign. Not only that, but a man who introduces his daughters to a woman he's seeing after such a brief period of time is not behaving in his daughter's best interest. These, IMO, are two serious warning signs that should cause you to slow down and be very concerned about moving forward with this guy.


Sweetie, you have a history of getting involved with men who aren't healthy for you, and you're diving in too soon and not seeing some important signs here again. I have to say, if you're "over" your last boyfriend after being so obsessed such a short time ago, that's a pretty big indicator of some issues; relationships take longer to get over than that -- much longer. Are you still seeing your therapist?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 11:44am

Hello Again,

I hadn't read your previous posts about your last boyfriend. I still have not read all of them. I did want to add that while the whole love at first sight thing/internet dating thing worked for me, if you have a history of falling in love quickly then I'd suggest taking things a little more slowly. After my divorce I was alone for a couple years and I
was very happy being single. When my D/H first told me he loved me, he did so very early into our relationship. (first week) I told him that I thought it was too early for him to know how he feels, that he's attracted to me but didn't know me well enough to love me. I told him that I was feeling the same things but wouldn't tell him I loved him unless I was sure, and that when I finally did he'd know I meant it. I really hope this all works out great for you.